Not feeding a child who is at your house for a play date …

[ElatedAzurePlayer]

A friend shared something with me that genuinely surprised me, and I’m curious how others see it.

Her daughter went on a play date after school (aged 11) and when she was picked up later she asked if they could get drive-thru on the way home. It turned out the family had ordered a Deliveroo takeaway for their own dinner but hadn’t included anything for her.

I can’t quite wrap my head around it. If I have a child in my home around mealtime, I’d always offer them food or assume they’d be eating with us especially if I’d invited them!

Is this just my way of doing things, or do other families handle this differently? I am not a judgmental person - but AIBU to judge this family for such shitty behaviour towards my friends daughter?!

Gosh. I will have to remember to ask because if anyone is doing that to my kid…they aren’t going back!

eating in front of a kid invited without offering is not ok in so many culture!!!

DH’s family are like this. They’re incredibly tight, and it genuinely wouldn’t occur to them to offer. When I first started staying over with him, back when he still lived at home, I found it so odd that they would call him down for his plate. Fair play he did bring it up to share with me. 😂

My family are the complete opposite. My mum and dad both grew up in neglected households, so meal times and making sure everyone was fed was really important to them. If anyone called unexpectedly at dinnertime, or our friends where round or any friends they suspected were going hungry, they’d always make room for more. Mum would always say, “It’s nae bother peeling an extra spud or two." Or my dad would lay all the jars of pickled and beetroot on the table for us to "fill yer boots"

7pm is one of those time that’s right on the cusp of a meal. I think your friend should have asked if she’d be having dinner or whether to pick up before dinner.

Im wondering if they ordered dinner to arrive at 7pm when they knew your daughter would be going? Maybe they don’t like to eat before 7pm.

For a child of 11, I wouldn’t assume 7pm would include dinner - I’d hope it would, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought I’d feel the child at home once they got in.

If collection was at 8pm, I’d expect dinner to be part of the play date.

Would always offer to feed. If I couldn’t afford an extra takeaway meal, then I would offer an alternative or wait to order food later.

I remember being at a friend's house and I also used to refuse to be polite. Her mum made me stay for tea 😂 she knew i hadn't eaten and it was late.

There was a viral thread on Reddit a year or so ago about which countries you would likely be offered food as a visitor. That's why the thread sounds familiar to me. There were lots of people from Scandinavian countries staying that as children visiting friends houses, they would be asked to play by themselves while the family had a meal together without offering their guest anything. Was seen as normal for them.

Not RTFT but could people expand on the Northern European / Swedish / Finnish cultural thing please?

I hope you reported him to the police and his employers???!!! Abusing a child by shouting at them and then force feeding them food he knows they are allergic to as vomiting is a major symptom of allergy and probably is a fish allergy which the vomiting can lead to anaphylaxis - that’s what happened to me with fish even though I’d eaten it for years before I started vomiting after eating it and then had severe reaction

So mean of them

Did they feed their own child? I'm assuming they had the takeaway and didn't feed both kids not just left out the other child.

When I was about 11 I went to a friend's house on a Saturday afternoon, pre arranged and invited. The parents sat down with a cup of tea and a packet of biscuits (full packet) and my friend asked if we could have a drink and a biscuit and was told no and get glasses of water.

Later we went back downstairs and my friend asked what was for dinner, to be told her parents had already eaten and there was none for us. About 7pm I asked to go home (was supposed to sleep over) because I'd had nothing but a glass of water the whole 6 hours I'd been there and it didn't appear any food was being provided. I rang my mum and she collected me. My friends mum told her I felt unwell and wouldn't eat!

I never returned. I sometimes think about that friend it didn't seem like it was unusual for her.

If it's a planned visit and the child was invited and it crossed a meal time, they should be fed.

If it wasn't planned then either.. the child is fed, or when it gets to meal time, it's "come on, it's time to go home, it's dinner time".

Those are the options. Eating while the child sits there and has nothing - particularly when it's takeaway so there's not the excuse of the meal being pre-planned and not enough to go round - is really mean.

It makes a good thread on a British family forum and everyone seems surprised. Similar thread on Familjeliv wouldn't create the same kind of unified reaction. It's funny how touchy some are and cannot accept anything that suggest that Sweden/Swedes are not the envy of everyone.

Something similar happened to my son at a sleepover. They weren’t told to eat before they got there. I got a text from my son to say he was starving as they’d not been fed and could I order some takeaway to be delivered. Could I get it delivered to the doorstep so as not to embarrass the parents.

That's really weird.

Although ds3 had a friend round and few weeks ago and I called from the kitchen that dinner was ready. Ds3 came and asked me if his friend could have food too. I was a bit embarrassed that either ds3 or his friend would think that I would feed my own dc and not the friend.

I’ve had kids tell me they’re fine, it’s ok etc when asked about food, hoping it was something like this, ie that they misheard or misread what she said or didn’t ask her enough (I’ve had children I nearly needed to pester as they were so shy and weren’t going to admit what they would or wouldn’t eat!)

Unless there was a communication/ allergy issue it sounds like tightfistedness. How mean to a child to eat in front them.

That's disgusting behaviour, ordered food for themselves but gave nothing to an invited child at teatime knowing they would be hungry from school! I'd of given them food and snacks all visit!

My child would not be returning to this home for anymore playdates. These peoples actions, were rude and unkind.
Saying that .my child from an early age would have said. "I.m going home now!" She actually did this aged 4. She was invited to join a neighbours child for 'dinner'. Dinner was
"Just a slice of pizza"handed to them in the garden. Which was all she was offered.

Very weird and very rude

Well I hadn't t realised it makes you lose physical control of your mouth so yes, you're probably right.

I had this done to me once when I was a child. I had to sit and watch the family eat.

Actually it often doesn’t make you lose control of your mouth.

Bug well done for continuing to demonstrate that you have little to no understanding of neuro psychology/evolutionary biology/ endocrinology/developmental psychology.

Do you mean they were dropping your child back at 7pm and getting a takeaway as part of this journey to eat after they'd dropped her?

That's odd. Do they always eat late and presumed everyone else did so she'd go home to eat?

I always checked details with paydays parents when my kids were invited somewhere-collection time and details and if dinner was included.

Their culture is to have a child in their home and not offer them food? Seriously weird.
Kids are usually ravenous when getting home after school and need topping up even before the evening meal.