Not feeding a child who is at your house for a play date …

[ElatedAzurePlayer]

A friend shared something with me that genuinely surprised me, and I’m curious how others see it.

Her daughter went on a play date after school (aged 11) and when she was picked up later she asked if they could get drive-thru on the way home. It turned out the family had ordered a Deliveroo takeaway for their own dinner but hadn’t included anything for her.

I can’t quite wrap my head around it. If I have a child in my home around mealtime, I’d always offer them food or assume they’d be eating with us especially if I’d invited them!

Is this just my way of doing things, or do other families handle this differently? I am not a judgmental person - but AIBU to judge this family for such shitty behaviour towards my friends daughter?!

Yeah that’s weird to me. I basically try and shove food down anyone’s face who steps through my door at any time. My kids’ friends would definitely be on that list.

That's just rubbish manners on their behalf OP. Wouldn't dream of having a kid over and leaving then hungry or not offering at least if we could afford it. If they're making end meat and can't afford to feed one more mouth I'd understand but considering they're taking out I'd say that wasn't the case as they cost a fortune!

Either I feed people who are in my home at meal times or in rare circumstances we wait for them to leave.

If I had a child here till 7pm I wiuld feed them . Its a long stretch from lunch time.
I wouldn't have my family sitting guzzling while one sat watching like Oliver Twist!!

Where we live in rural Ireland that would be absolutely unheard of. Anyone in anybody's house at meal times gets fed.

Play dates here always ended at 6pm and had a meal at 5pm then another play afterwards.

as mentioned in swedish/finnish culture this would be normal so possibly also in others. Are the family by any chance from northern europe.

It's definitely not normal in Sweden to invite a child to your house, order a takeaway and not offer them any!

It is bizarre that they ordered food and presumably ate it in front of her and didn’t include her! Perhaps crossed wires somewhere as it’s so odd I’d think there was some sort of misunderstanding. I can understand not doing dinner at all, but to sit down and have your dinner when there is a child visiting and not include them is weird. It’s like something out of The Sims!

I’d find it really rude tbh who even eats a takeaway in front of a child and doesn’t offer them any. My son normally has a 10 inch pizza but when his friend came round I ordered a much bigger version for them to share which was only a few quid more. I could literally never do that to a child

Not quite the same but we still wonder at the volume of food offered on this impromptu play date - when DS was about 6 we bumped into his friend and DM in town, and after chatting for a bit she invited us back to theirs for coffee and the kids to play.

After a while she said she would do dinner for the kids and then served up DS 2 fish fingers, his friend (also 6) got 8 of them, and the 8yo DBro got 10 fish fingers. Her DC each received a generous portion of chips but DS only got about half a dozen chips and they all got a huge mound of broccoli which none of them ate. DS was so hungry that we stopped at McDonald’s on the way home as it was the nearest place still open. I do wonder why there was such a difference in the number of fish fingers they were served; they are definitely wealthy so it wouldn’t have been a cost issue.

So they were eating in front of the child and didn’t offer the child any food? Extremely weird and rude!

I think I've seen three posts agreeing about the 'Swedish culture thing'. What is that?

I was an awkward, shy and fussy eater as a child. I can 100% see a friend's parents ordering a chinese/indian as a treat (that I'd never have eaten) and asked what I'd like and me making up a lie about my mum making me dinner when I got home and that she'd told me not to eat before - then telling my mum they hadn't fed me and her being fuming she had to take me for a McDonald's 🤣🤣

Terrible manners if the family didn't offer anything but would put money on it being a fussy child!

Weirdos. Or tight.

Either way, pretty unpleasant.

I don’t know how they could sit and eat a meal in front of a child and not give them any…what were the thinking? Especially if 7pm was the arranged pick up time.
Although as a parent I would never assume. The making the plan with the other parent I would find out exactly what was going on. If I arranged to pick my child up at 7pm I’d ask if they were going to be having dinner there.

It was an internet/Reddit thing about 3 or 4 years ago claiming Swedish people don't offer food to other kids playing at their house, which then kind of morphed into this accepted truth of 'Scandinavians/Northern Europeans don't feed guests'.

This is not normal practice in Sweden. That’s only a tiny part of the cultural norm. If a person is invited and will be there for a mealtime, parents will ask if the visitor would like to join the family for a mealtime. This usually done when the visit is arranged. If a child turns up unannounced (which in itself is generally not done) the expectation is, they would leave before mealtimes. Only then, if they don’t, might the family ask them to play in the child’s room.

In any event, anyone who is Swedish, living in the U.K. is going to be fairly culturally aware and would ask the question.

I was raised to feed anyone who was in my house at mealtime, no matter who they were. Whenever we have friends over, we ask if they want to stayfor dinner (if my daughter is ok with that) and if they say yes, I’ll ask them to check with their parents first. There is no reason not to do this. If the children didn’t have a phone with them, I’d contact their parents.

Don’t worry! If the mum is like me, she knows!

My DD did a bit of work experience almost a year ago with someone at my work. He STILL apologises that he didn’t get her anything at Costa. Because she wouldn’t take anything! LOL.

Two is a bit measly but, to be fair, I wouldn't be giving my 8 year old 10 fish fingers either. And I doubt I could eat that many myself.

~

I honestly don't understand people who do this. If you're in any way under my care (whether that's in my house on a playdate, or if we're in the park with friends), you'll be treated like one of mine for the day. Whether it's snacks and meals or just keeping an eye on the kids playing around or getting an ice cream. If you can't do for all, you don't do for one. And I'm very much of the opinion that, if you've invited a child somewhere for a day out with your own kids, you don't expect them to pay.

Of course, there's always the situation that she was too polite to say that she actually would have liked something. But in that case, I'd still have ordered something and let her know it was there if she changed her mind.

If my kids have friends over, if I have friends over and I’m ordering you best believe I’m including them. They get well fed… I can’t imagine not feeding someone. 🤪

This reminds me of when I was a child, I remember being about 11 and going over to a friends house. When her mum said it was time for dinner I was told to wait in the lounge whilst my friend and her parents went to the dining room to have dinner. After they were finished we just carried on playing and I didn’t think much of it other than I couldn’t wait to go home and have dinner.

My parents never let me go over to her house again. Every other play date I had or went on everyone was always fed. Really bizarre, and clearly stuck with me as when I read this I remember that awkward feeling I had sitting in a random lounge. 🫣

I have done the odd short playdate where dinner was not included due to time constraints- but snack etc was (and made clear to parents -e.g please pick up at 5 before tea etc) but I can not really think someone ate dinner and didnt feed a friend of thier child who was there playing must be some error in this third hand tale! As a child I sometimes didnt eat at friends houses if I wasnt in the mood / didnt like the food (I was a fussy eater as a child)

This was also me and my daughter was the same , we’d rather stave and seem polite that take or ask for food or drinks!
so it may not always be they didn’t offer.

Getting picked up at 7 isn't necessarily too late at that age to think they can have dinner at home. But ordering a takeaway while she is there and not giving her anything is awful! If you really a take-away, wait till they are gone!