Not feeding a child who is at your house for a play date …

[ElatedAzurePlayer]

A friend shared something with me that genuinely surprised me, and I’m curious how others see it.

Her daughter went on a play date after school (aged 11) and when she was picked up later she asked if they could get drive-thru on the way home. It turned out the family had ordered a Deliveroo takeaway for their own dinner but hadn’t included anything for her.

I can’t quite wrap my head around it. If I have a child in my home around mealtime, I’d always offer them food or assume they’d be eating with us especially if I’d invited them!

Is this just my way of doing things, or do other families handle this differently? I am not a judgmental person - but AIBU to judge this family for such shitty behaviour towards my friends daughter?!

Lots of playdates here and vice versa
Money sent for sweets so that host doesn't pay.
Food will be sorted by host.

This.

If you weren’t providing food across a mealtime then I would expect it to be organised and agreed in advance with a good reason for not providing food. I’d expect to send or receive a message along the lines of the following: “xx can come got play date after school on xx date but we cannot provide proper meal as we are due to go to a relatives to eat to celebrate their birthday. Can you pick up at 5:30”. Generally whenever my child has had play dates, food has been specifically mentioned “they can stay for tea” and a time for collection “I can drop them off at x time / can you pick up at x time” or “not sure what time yet maybe about x time but I’ll message later if that’s ok”.

However to actually make food or buy a take out and eat in front of them and specifically exclude a guest (and a child at that) is unbelievable. Especially with a 7pm pick up time. A child will be starving by then! Really off.

One of mine has a friend like this. Rather than asking I tend to just give visiting kids a drink and put out snacks they can pick at now

Did the family eat in front of her and not offer any food or did they eat after she had left?

It is very weird, particularly given they were ordering in. Is it possible the invitee was offered "do you want some pizza" and said "no thanks" not realising this was the only dinner option? Although, surely any adult would have tried to offer other foods.

I went to a sleepover once and wasn’t fed. I remember begging my friend for food late on but she said we couldn’t go to the kitchen because it woukd wake her parents. I always ate a full meal before going round after that.

Years later my mother came and delivered breakfast to me on her wedding morning after we’d once again stayed at her mother’s, because yet again I wasn’t fed. I can’t get my head around it.

Absolutely mad behaviour. Whenever my kids have play dates I offer snacks and drinks and if its over a meal I would always feed them. Cant imagine all sitting there eating and they have nothing. Like seriously who would do that? Really odd and id be upset if it happened to my kids

The takeaway thing is a bit much. If they were eating dinner before 7 they should have fed her too.

From around Yr5, we all had dinner together later than 7 as DHs seminar teaching didn't finish until 7 some nights. However, if DC had a friend over I'd usually feed DC and friend.

How mean!

This happened to me a couple of times when I was a kid. Families inviting me round to play after school or taking me on a day out and then eating take aways / bought food in front of me and not offering me anything. I distinctly remember a family shrugging at me not having any money to buy lunch at a museum. It was humiliating & I can still recall the feelings of worthlessness.

It probably didn’t occur to my mum to offer the families money for dinner / lunch out as she was very a) skint and b) autistic. Even if my mum was a ‘CF’ (she wasn’t - she was just bloody clueless about such social niceties, but always fed any kids at our house or on trips. Might have only been a cheese sarnie and bag of crisps but she’d feed), you still buy a kid a bag of chips, right?

As a result, I too massively over cater.

I can’t imagine inviting anyone over, of any age, and not offering them food.

And even if not invited, I’d definitely not have a takeaway and exclude someone in the house,

Years ago my youngest went to his best friends for a sleepover. He went straight after school on the Friday. Best friends mum was away, so it was just his stepdad and younger siblings. Friday night the stepdad cooked for himself and his kids. My son and his friend got to share a bag of crisps. Saturday morning the stepdad cooked breakfast for himself and his kids, nothing for best friend or my son. My son came home about three asking when dinner was because he was starving.

He never went to them again for another sleepover. He never went on another sleepover without snacks in his backpack, just in case.

I remember this happening to me as a child, primary age so was a pre planned play date. The whole family sat down and had dinner and I had to go sit in their living room and watch tv until they were done 🤣

So would I.

I think it was appalling they didn't feed the poor child. I always included any visitor in meals, it wouldn't occur to me to do otherwise unless they turned it down.

I'm really shocked.

I’m 33, I’m still like this. I will only ever ask for a glass of water if someone offers a drink and I feel like I need to have one.

I do my own fucking head in!! But I can’t get past it!!!

I feed anyone who’s here over a mealtime!

This is odd to me. If I was at a friends house at dinner time they would feed me, the same if a friend was at my house at dinner time, my Mum would feed them. It's crazy to feed your own family and leave out a guest.

I think it's a little odd that they didn't feed her, though I can understand their reasoning. In today's climate—where complaints come easily and allergies are a real concern—they may have decided that no good deed goes unpunished and chose to avoid potential complications altogether

My child would not be going there again

I've always thought it was a folktale.

It's so strange.

If so you wait with dinner to after pick up.

Oh lordy. The poor stepson and your son were left out of meals.
That poor stepson- that’s child neglect- did his Mum know ? 🥲
At least your son knew he would get food when he got home.

My brother had the same with his stepdaughter a few weeks ago. She was invited over to a friend’s house after school (not U.K. so no lunch at school and finishing very early afternoon) and the family had lunch and did not include her. She came home starving in the evening.

It’s very odd to me - I was always offered food when at friends’ houses, and, likewise, anyone over at ours was always fed over mealtimes.

I don’t have kids but can’t imagine to exclude someone from meals. I even offer tradespeople some lunch if they’re working in the house over lunch, as I find it awkward to eat in front of them! (Usually hot dogs on these days, lol).

I used to refuse food at that age as I thought I was being polite. Is it possible she said she didn't want anything?

Yanbu. I can't comprehend not offering food to a child at any time tbh.

How did they even do this? Did the girl sit with them while they ate, or did they all tuck in together while she was left to entertain herself?

That seems very odd.

Unless the reality is they ordered pizza and assumed she would help herself as everyone else was but she didn’t because she felt awkward? That could happen if the parents were not good at letting her know that she could dig in.