Not feeding a child who is at your house for a play date …

[ElatedAzurePlayer]

A friend shared something with me that genuinely surprised me, and I’m curious how others see it.

Her daughter went on a play date after school (aged 11) and when she was picked up later she asked if they could get drive-thru on the way home. It turned out the family had ordered a Deliveroo takeaway for their own dinner but hadn’t included anything for her.

I can’t quite wrap my head around it. If I have a child in my home around mealtime, I’d always offer them food or assume they’d be eating with us especially if I’d invited them!

Is this just my way of doing things, or do other families handle this differently? I am not a judgmental person - but AIBU to judge this family for such shitty behaviour towards my friends daughter?!

You know this because you've been to Swedish/Dutch homes and they've done this, or because you saw a tiktok a couple of years ago telling you this is what Swedes/Dutch people do?

Presumably you let the parents know when you invite their child for the playdate that you won't be providing food though?

So mean to leave a child out.

I hope you told the mum what happened. I’m sure she had no idea that her husband wasn’t feeding her son when she was away, and only fed his own kids. I really hope you told her.

Irrespective of what time the play date is a child will always be fed in my home or at least offered plenty to eat and drink. Leaving a child out is just ghastly.

Was it a meal your child actually likes? Could it have been more like it was awkward and she was shy to help herself so did eat some but only a tiny bit and was still hungry.

When I was about that age if a friend's family had a takeaway I was taught not to help myself, and was anxious to do so, and definitely don't have too much or seconds. Which often meant I didn't really get a proper meal.

If they really just ate it in front of her and actually did not offer anything or tell her to help herself or even share her friend's food, that's really rude.

That's awful. The family who offered you nothing to eat or drink on a day out were rude and in the wrong, not your mum. You don't invite a child for a day out and expect not to feed them. (And if you can't afford to feed them, even if you all only eat home made sandwiches, then you tell the other child's parent in advance.)

That is an absolutely shitty way to behave.
Unfortunately ours appears to be a go to house for DS14 and his mates, they literally eat me out of house and home but I wouldn't dream of letting them go hungry.

Same. That is really depressing, poor boy :(

Very strange and not very nice.

Did they check with the parents? I've had some rather devious kids at mine over the years. It might be she didn't like/want the takeaway not that she wasn't offered it. Or thought a drive thru on the way home was a better deal.

All you’ve proved, is your have no understanding of how anxiety works. Congratulations!

I have lifelong generalised anxiety disorder, diagnosed clinically and treated with therapy on NHS and I agree with PP. You can make active choices to change, albeit difficult to do so.

LittleMy is not wrong, though. I agree with this. Don't know about the Dutch, but yeah, it is not unheard of in Sweden. I've not seen any TikToks but I grew up there, have the passport and spend ample time there every year. LittleMy's username suggests a Nordic connection, as well...

I dont think its always necessary to feed the visitor on a play date but I do think if awful to order the family take away and not the guest unless her parents were massively late and it was just a timing issue

And often families invite people over and then eat meals in front of them?

I feed whoever is in my home at meal time - with 3 teens that can vary massively with no notice but I have options in the freezer so I feed whoever is here. Not feeding a guest is totally weird.

Had never heard of it - but Google search suggests this. However, digging a bit deeper it seems to apply more to uninvited guests!

https://www.swedenforbeginners.com/the-swedengate-story

Where did I, or anyone, write "often"? But does it happen? Yes, it does, it is not unheard of, as I wrote. Just because something might not be the norm, doesn't mean that it is unusual. Amongst my friends, I can't see it happening. But would I be surprised if I heard about it happening? No, I wouldn't.

I mean it's not unheard of here either 😂

If a child is not being picked up until 7 pm I would always provide some food, even just a pizza for the 2 of them.

But OP, you need to check with mum of her friend what the plan is about play and food, and pick up. You can't just expect it all to be organised without your input about it.

it’s awful! How can they sit there and watch a child not eat whilst they are filling their faces!! Diabolical also This 100% happens in families too! One of my friends was in a step family dynamic, they’d been invited to stepfather parents home and the stepfathers mother only cooked a full Sunday roast for the biological kids! My friend the stepchild was given a blue ribbon bar in lieu of lunch (this was way back before mobile phones)

My friends mom went spare when friend returned home hungry and the other child was fully fed (surprisingly that relationship lasted a few years even after this event -but he cheated on her and that was the last straw he was a bit of a wrong un but that was years later).

I think culturally in this country a lot of people are not hospitable, unlike other countries where guests are genuinely welcomed, fed etc. I wouldn’t dream of doing this, but my kids have occasionally come across it.

Not just weird, absolutely outrageous!

they ate in front of her??? And didn’t offer? While she was hungry?

👀👀👀👀🥹

Did she by any chance say she didn't want anything to be polite or shy? I used to do this all the time growing up. I was so shy. I'd probably text the mum and say 'Thank you for having .... after school for dinner. Was she ok?' And see what she says. Saying that I've also eaten dinner at a friend's house and told my mum I didn't have anything so I could get a McDonald's on the way home.