Not feeding a child who is at your house for a play date …

[ElatedAzurePlayer]

A friend shared something with me that genuinely surprised me, and I’m curious how others see it.

Her daughter went on a play date after school (aged 11) and when she was picked up later she asked if they could get drive-thru on the way home. It turned out the family had ordered a Deliveroo takeaway for their own dinner but hadn’t included anything for her.

I can’t quite wrap my head around it. If I have a child in my home around mealtime, I’d always offer them food or assume they’d be eating with us especially if I’d invited them!

Is this just my way of doing things, or do other families handle this differently? I am not a judgmental person - but AIBU to judge this family for such shitty behaviour towards my friends daughter?!

If I’m preparing a meal and there is anyone in my home - whether an invited guest or someone who has come over for a cup of tea - I would offer them a meal. If I didn’t have enough food I’d go out and buy more. If I didn’t have any money, I’d wait until they were gone to eat. It’s weird and rude, especially to do that to children. As a child, I had a friend whose mother used to serve them dinner and dessert while I was over and not offer me a morsel - no way would my parents ever do that to a child in their home, and I found it weird at the time. (Although my mother raised us that you should never ask for food in someone else’s house unless it was offered, so I said nothing).

My child has food allergies so I would always ask in advance when she’s invited for a play date if food is going to be served, and say that she has allergies so if they can’t be accommodated I can collect her before tea.

Disc they order the takeaway to eat after the child left? We don't tend to eat until after 7:30 pm most nights so they might not have thought a 7 pm pick up meant dinner. No excuse if they ate in front of her though!

My DB and SIL do this - routinely have people over and make meals/ order takeaway for themselves & don’t offer anything to anyone else. Not even a glass of water. Recently we were invited to theirs at dinner time and they made homemade pizzas for themselves and nobody else, and then got out a chocolate cake and offered slices to their kids but not mine. I find it weird as fuck.

In their case it’s a combination of severe control issues around food & also being enormously wealthy which makes them feel justified in being entirely self-centred. Other people just aren’t real to them somehow - and I guess holograms and mirages don’t need feeding!

A similar experience has stayed in my memory. I was quite young, maybe 8 or 9, and at a friend's house when they started lunch. It was clear I wasn't included. I said something like "aren't I getting any?" and they shamefacedly gave me some (it was chips). It really surprises me that I spoke up like this, as I'm not considered even assertive now (so people have told me).

I think it's Peri menopause or I've just run out of fucks to give but I would say something if that was my kid and there was certainty she'd been invited for a time slot covering meal time and everyone else in the house had been fed and she hadn't been offered. I would honestly text saying can you let me know in future when inviting my child over if you are going to be ordering food for your family and excluding her because she was understandably starving come pick up time so next time I will send her with a packed meal or come and pick her up early so that she can also be fed. I would be so unhappy at other parents doing that and I am a bit of an asshole these days and can't help myself but say something

Are you joking?

happened to me as a kid maybe 6 or 7 her mum said were having our tea now can you watch some telly while you wait

she was never invited to mine

Better than what happened to my DD, the parents ordered fish and chips for everyone. My DD explained that fish and chips makes her vomit (I think it's the oil). So the Dad took it upon himself to shout at her, that she was being ridiculous, they don't do fussy eating and stood over her making her eat it.
She then vomited.
Unbelievably he works in child protection.

I would feed a child regardless of the time

😂

I am constantly offering food

I think this might be a cultural thing

I would never do this but have heard of it being done

Some good points raised about fussiness. What was the takeaway? My DD is very fussy so would probably have turned it down and has been to a friend's house where they did try to feed her but she didn't like it. The mum however did make me aware at pick up.

I think your friend would need to find out more before completely writing it off as being wrong. Is there the possibility that the girl didn't like what was being ordered so said no, then when telling her mum didn't mention that she was offered something. Did they order takeaway that came sooner than expected? Is there also the chance the girl was chancing it and just fancied McDonald's regardless and told the family that mum was taking her there after the playdate so they didn't need to give her food.

I think that's awful. I couldn't sit and have a meal and not include a guest in my house.

Of course you can get past it. It's fair enough for a child who's been raised a certain way to feel unable to do this, but you're an adult, and you're in control of your actions and how your mouth/vocal chords work. You could say "thanks, I'll have a cup of tea please since you're offering!" or "thank you, wow that cake does look delicious, yes I'd love a slice!" You're just choosing not to.

It's not polite to be like this. In fact you could argue it's the opposite, since people generally enjoy catering for guests, it makes them feel good, and it's generous to allow them that.

I used to do that and would just get confused, would I be in trouble for eating or not eating the takeaway?

There is no culture that does this, it’s universally rude and inhospitable to eat in front of a guest and not serve them anything.

@ElatedAzurePlayer funnily enough I saw a similar post on FB yesterday. One of the commenters said the same thing had happened to them, so the next day she cooked up a load of food and put it into containers, then dropped it off at the other mum's house with a smile saying "DD said you couldn't afford to feed her last night so I've brought you these. Please always let me know if you're struggling, we all have to look after each other!" and walked off while the other mum was mortified! Then her DD was absolutely stuffed full of food on all subsequent visits..

Probably completely made up but maybe something your friend could try...

Not true, the Swedes and the Dutch are known for it

do people honestly feed 11 year olds after 7pm?

why didn’t host family eat after their guest left?

This is made up. Wouldn’t they suggest the guest be collected before they sit down to eat?

I don’t always give dinner for play dates. But then it will be a 5pm pick up, just a couple of hours playing together. But if they were staying until 7pm I would probably assume dinner was included. At 11th a old I’d not be angry if they hadn’t, if the family ate later for example. But eating yourself and not feeding the child seems like you are making some kind of weird point that the parents are really late.

If they say and ate while she was sitting there hungry that's appalling

This story is third hand. Child told her mum who told OP who told us. Possibly DC heard the family ordering a takeaway to eat later, fancied one herself and asked to go to a drive through. Nothing to see here.

The only time I haven’t fed a kid was at a party at home where the food was pizza takeaway (it was a pizza and gaming party) and the child had really complicated dietary requirements that I wasn’t advised of until the day and it was too late. Still feel a bit bad about that but it was a stressful enough day without sorting that at last min.

They’re known for eating food in front of guests whilst they go hungry?

I only feed children if they’re there at a meal time. We eat dinner at 7-8pm, so play dates usually end before then, so no, I don’t cook a separate early dinner to feed anyone.

Assuming it’s a planned play date, I’d definitely give them a snack and a drink though. If they just show up though, we may not really have much in for snacking other than what’s in the fruit bowl, but they’re always welcome to fruit and a drink.

I actually don’t really like it when people feed mine. I’d rather them come home and eat the actual dinner I’ve made for them and not just fish fingers and beans, but of course, I’d never say that. I’m thankful someone invited them over, so if they’re staying for dinner, it’s kind them fed them.