We’ve hurt the birthday boy’s feelings?

[sidneytweeney]

So my son who is 8 has been invited to his friend’s birthday party next weekend. Another mum who I am friends with has asked me to take her son to the party too as she is working (he’s been invited.) I’ve agreed to do this and to help my friend out further, her son is going to be having a sleepover at mine in the night of the party. (Mum friend is a single parent, works as a nurse) The birthday boy is staying at his grandparents after his party in order to see extended family for his birthday. Birthday boy’s mum texted me this morning to say that I had disappointed birthday boy by organising a fun sleepover to which birthday boy can’t come. She said I had ‘taken the shine off his special day.’ Unless I’m missing a higher chunk of social awareness , this woman is batshit right?

Right I need to get off my phone and do something useful. Thanks for your input xx

Mum has got the hump because she still has to deal with a sugar fuelled over tired child rather than being able to dump him on someone else.

Small violins are playing.

Ignore. The boys are fine.

Perhaps Bottlestops would prefer it if both boys did not attend the party so that OP can provide childcare to enable Mum 2 to go to work.

A friend’s DD and my DD are close - they’ve known eachother since they were babies, but go to different schools now. There was a time when our two girls were having a sleepover, which apparently put another mother out as she was upset that my friend’s DD was having a sleepover without her kid. Her kid “wasn’t ready” for sleepovers yet and she felt that my friends DD was effectively cheating on her kid by having other relationships.

People are fucking weird about this stuff.

But even if he’s been invited he couldn’t go - he has a prior arrangement.

Do you really think that one of the guests at his party should not be allowed to do anything else fun after the party because it’s wee Jimmy’s birthday?

OP said it’s a big party, so are 20 kids not allowed to leave the party and go to the cinema/swimming/ice skating/see friends?

To be honest with a mum that batshit I think birthday boy is in for far more disappointment if he thinks this is as bad as it’s going to get. She’ll probably be wanting sleepovers with him herself when he’s married 😂

I think the "helping with childcare" message is perfect. Non emotional and to the point.

Birthday boy may be upset but but its up to mum to deal with. I'm sure other parents might be lift sharing too.

We had this when I broke my arm whilst my DD was in school and was sat in A&E for hours. A school mum friend kindly offered to pick her up and keep her until we were free and then helped with lifts to and from school whilst I couldn't drive. Other mum sulked at us and stopped talking to us because her child was being left out of all the "fun" 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Well break a limb too and you can enjoy all these wonderful perks 🤣

Wow, its a good job you haven't booked a holiday the next day (be careful around the dates next time!) lol! So ridiculous - you may as well had not said anything about what you were doing afterwards.

She shouldn’t have texted that and you’ve done nothing wrong by helping out the other mum.

BUT

I can see why the birthday boy would be upset.

sleepovers can be hugely exciting at that age and they may well be talking about it excitedly at the party, and also before the party from the sounds of it.

If I were you I would have asked the boys not to talk about it in front of birthday boy.

Do you know, some parents are just nuts. I have never got over reading that thread on AIBU a while ago where the OP was "told off" by another parent because the OP's niece's facial disfigurement hadn't been disclosed to that parent in advance so it had made her children upset. I think that OP's reaction was WAY better than I'd have reacted to that idiot parent.

It's because these people are unable to parent properly, set expectations for their children, talk to them sensibly and teach them that the world is a varied, sometimes difficult place and yes, sometimes they won't get invited to things, or yes, some people look different, etc. Beggars belief that there are people who still don't get this.

This.

It is easy to imagine the two little boys talking at school and sounding far more excited about the sleepover than the actual party, hence his feeling of missing out.

But yes the mum is being silly to encourage this. I think a friendly text to explain it's just a childcare arrangement and little Timmy is not missing anything exciting should cover it. Unless she is really batshit.

Yes, this, worth explaining that you are just helping x’s mum out with childcare

So let me get this straight. You’re now suggesting that OP shouldn’t have helped out another single parent and saved her some babysitting expenses when she could easily do so, because it may cause offence to the birthday boy’s mum, despite the fact that he couldn’t attend anyway because there were family plans after the party ?

As parents we need to manage our childrens’ expectations and explain that they can’t be invited to everything, not make a knee jerk assumptions that they are being snubbed - especially if we’re not in possession of all the facts. All that’s needed here is a simple explanation that it’s not a pre planned ‘event’, but a simple offer of a solution to a difficult situation . There’s nothing tactless or unkind about it.

That’s fair enough. I do remember the pain of being left out - there wasn’t any rubbing in, it was just the realisation that my friends were hanging out together without me. But it’s life isn’t it, and it’s up to the other mum to manage it with the birthday boy.

Yeah I think this as well. I think the Mum is crackers for texting about it but kids at that age talk about sleepovers a lot and it’s probably made the birthday boy feel a bit crap that they’re going to his party but then going on to have their own ‘party’ which he isn’t invited to. I can see why, at 8 he might feel a bit left out. The Mum just needed to keep it to herself though and tell her son that she can’t control what other people do. I probably would have asked my child not to talk about it at school. I always ask them not to bang on about it in front of all their friends when they’re having a 1:1 play date because kids do get sad about stuff like this (they probably ignore me but I do try).

This could easily be resolved by OP saying the sleepover is for childcare rather than her randomly deciding to hold a sleepover on the birthday child's party day and not inviting him.

Oh god, she's one of THOSE parents.

Utterly bonkers 🤦

It was very wrong of her to immediately go on the attack (whatever the boy's feelings about the "sleepover") but if the boys are friends, I would not escalate it but would just say something along the lines of it not at all being your intention to upset anyone but that this arrangement is to help the other mother out. Keep the text soft and light (not too much detail or promises you'll resent keeping). And then organise a sleepover for the three of them ONLY if you want to - this is what I think she is angling for? You're not responsible for her or her child's feelings but best not to escalate for the sake of your own sanity and child. I wouldn't blame you if you felt privately a bit got at though - here you are helping out another mother and going to the trouble of fetching and hosting another child and suddenly you're framed as ruining someone's birthday. It's laughable really.

The woman is an idiot, and parents like her do their children no favours.

I think it's wonderful that you're so supportive of this other mom and her son. Too many people are left to struggle alone.💐

just reply with - ok then i'll make sure to drop off their overnight things too. What time should i pick them up on Sunday?"

just say "I think the narrative has been misconscrued by the boys during chat at school - I am helping X's mum out as she has a nursing shift until late. But if birthday boy is feeling left out he is welcome to come for a sleepover another time."

Batshit with a hint of neuroses, yes 👍

It's birthday boys mum's fault for not putting the sleepover invites out at the same time as the party invites.

She's obviously too lazy and self centered to deal with this is the proper way which would be to explain to her son that his friend already other plans.

This is a good response

By helping another parent with childcare?

Do you realise how ridiculous that is?