We’ve hurt the birthday boy’s feelings?

[sidneytweeney]

So my son who is 8 has been invited to his friend’s birthday party next weekend. Another mum who I am friends with has asked me to take her son to the party too as she is working (he’s been invited.) I’ve agreed to do this and to help my friend out further, her son is going to be having a sleepover at mine in the night of the party. (Mum friend is a single parent, works as a nurse) The birthday boy is staying at his grandparents after his party in order to see extended family for his birthday. Birthday boy’s mum texted me this morning to say that I had disappointed birthday boy by organising a fun sleepover to which birthday boy can’t come. She said I had ‘taken the shine off his special day.’ Unless I’m missing a higher chunk of social awareness , this woman is batshit right?

As the mother of a DD wo can be irritatingly over sensitive, I have some sympathy for birthday boy and his mum. However, I have spent a lot of my time trying to help DD to understand that she doesn't have to be invited to everything, and reminding her that actually, she often has friends over without inviting ALL her friends so she can't have th edouble standard. The mum is definitely ridiculous. And like you, we've had this once or twice where a friend comes to sleepover after a party to accomodate th eother parent's work patterns. I do tend to tell DD and her BFF in those situations not to make a big song and dance about the sleepover. But, again, that's about me and DD and I'd be annoyed if any parent had a go at me!

I did have a horrible situation once where there was a relatively small party - I think 5 kids - at the birthday kid's house, and then 2 of the children were staying for a sleepover and the other 3 (including DD) were being sent home. I did think that was a bit mean - it smacked of A list for the party and B list for the party!

Are you the birthday boys’ mum ? Of course it isn’t the same thing. It’s not a fun sleepover, it’s child care. Once that’s been explained that should be the end of it.

I don't think i could resist replying "I'm helping Jane with children care as she is on a late shift"

Sounds like a great way of building your own village…

Bonkers! Ignore. She’s foisting her crazy feelings onto her son.

I think you’re best having a face to face conversation. Explain that you’re helping your friend with childcare, how you personally understand how difficult it is to work shifts as a single mum, struggling to keep a roof over your child’s head and juggling every plate single-handedly. Really lay it on thick about how you depend upon each other, then add “I understand how to someone with a DH at home or who doesn’t work shifts, it looks like they’re just having a fun sleepover but it isn’t” Make her squirm and feel like an absolute twat.

Yeah I don’t like the idea of a little boy being disappointed, but it happens.
It happens on his birthday at his party which your son is invited to. It's insensitive. The mum is silly to have texted and should minimise the whole thing to her son but I don't think hosting a sleepover on this boy's birthday is tactful or kind. What does this boy's mum do on other occasions when she has night shift? I presume she has childcare for that?

I totally agree with this.

I would just tell the mum your are helping out with child care. And mention to your son not to talk about the sleepover in front of birthday boy in case there is really is disappointment there - it can be a bit painful to feel left out even . Then everyone move on with their week.

Holding a child's party give you the right to arrange other people's lives? I never realised! We've held loads of child's parties and I didn't know that meant I could boss all the parents around for the entire day. So much potential fun missed...

And so many people go along with the belief that their little angel is the centre of the universe.
One day it will bite them on the bum, big time.

I'm not the mother, how puerile.

It's not a fun sleepover, you are babysitting to help a friend out, has her son had sleepovers yours hasn't been invited to? Yes, she is BSC

No.

OP has already said grandparents are unavailable.

Would you rather the 8yo be home alone until gone 10pm?

What is your solution please?

Rude to the host 😂

As I have said previously. Her parents help or she pays for a sitter. Her parents are on holiday so she was paying a babysitter. The babysitter couldn’t take the son to the party anyway. I offered to take to the party and to have her son stay over. Sorry for saving a single parent, A&E nurse £50 in babysitting fees!

It is up to us as parents to negotiate and manage expectations of our children not other parents, if our children are invited to an event great if not they need to move on, we are to manage this

Going against the majority who seem to think that the sleep over is OK because you are providing childcare. What does it matter? You can invite anyone you want for a sleep over any day you want. The mum cannot control what people will do after the party. Batshit for sure.

I disagree with this - the OP is helping another mum out with childcare. It’s convenient because the OP is already helping out with a lift. It doesn’t make sense to organise extra childcare in case another child is disappointed.

But I do think it’s an opportunity to explain to the OP’s kid about being sensitive to others. I don’t know how well boys would take that lesson at 8 though.

You’re taking exactly the same position as the birthday boy’s mum so it’s not an unreasonable assumption. The OP hasn’t intentionally snubbed the birthday boy. She hasn’t planned a fun sleepover with the express intention of excluding him and the mums’ offence isn’t on OP.

Yep I'd agree with this, she's probably put out as he's said he'd rather go to the sleepover than see his grandparents. She sounds nuts, just reply and say it's not a sleepover it's childcare help. Or just a thumbs up with a laughing emoji 😂

My son isn’t rubbing the birthday boy’s face in it. The whole thing was arranged yesterday evening, they were playing a game online and my son and the sleepover boy were talking about it and birthday boy found out. They were online for half an hour last night and a couple of hours this morning. They haven’t even seen each other in the flesh to talk about it. My boy and sleepover boy are sweet kids- like really, they are lovely. They wouldn’t be being mean about it.

How? By helping a friend out with childcare?

This is daft. I had DD's party a couple of weeks ago. One of the mums brought two of the children invited with her and took them home. Presumably because it suited both of them, no idea and none of my business.

If they had been going back to one house and having a sleepover it would be entirely separate to the birthday and if DD had thought it was unfair to her I would have been gently but perfectly clear with her she was being unreasonable too.

I’m afraid you’ve taken the shine off my special day too. Why can’t the rest of us come to your fun sleepover?