We’ve hurt the birthday boy’s feelings?

[sidneytweeney]

So my son who is 8 has been invited to his friend’s birthday party next weekend. Another mum who I am friends with has asked me to take her son to the party too as she is working (he’s been invited.) I’ve agreed to do this and to help my friend out further, her son is going to be having a sleepover at mine in the night of the party. (Mum friend is a single parent, works as a nurse) The birthday boy is staying at his grandparents after his party in order to see extended family for his birthday. Birthday boy’s mum texted me this morning to say that I had disappointed birthday boy by organising a fun sleepover to which birthday boy can’t come. She said I had ‘taken the shine off his special day.’ Unless I’m missing a higher chunk of social awareness , this woman is batshit right?

Honestly you've handled this all like a champ OP!

The text should read "you're disappointing 3 boys".

There are about 20 children going to the party. The boys all get on but OP says they are not a tight knit group of 3 and one is being left out. Party boys mum made it clear in the invitation that the party ends at 3pm promptly because the family is making a long journey to see other family on the same day. The sleepover childcare was arranged after the invitations were sent out and OP knew birthday boy couldn't have joined in even if he wanted to.

How is the birthday boys disappointment anything to do with OP. What is worse; not being invited to a sleepover you wouldn't be free to go to or having two of your friends uninvited because you weren't invited to a sleepover you weren't free to go to?

Birthday boys mum is batshit.

Birthday boys mum is batshit.
I agree. She is, cancelling their invitations proves that, she is petty and cruel.
I would take the opportunity to let this friendship slip, this mother will be a nightmare as they’re pre teenagers.

wow, that is batshit. you explained that you were basically doing childcare re the sleepover and she then univites you all. It is sad that she is so entitled, and is now ruining her son's birthday party.

I feel sorry for all the boys involved.

I don't think you have anything to lose by sending her a message along the lines of

"Just so we're clear - you're punishing two children because I offered childcare to an a&e nurse who'll be working until 10pm on a day that just happens to also be your child's party?"

Jesus, I hope she never needs a hand with anything. Or a nurse.
Her poor kid.

Agree with every word. People have missed that the BB was already going off to extended family celebrations after his party !

Haven't read all the replies just the OP's

The mum needs a talking to, she's already put it out there that they're going to have to leave sharpish as they're going to the boys grandparents for the evening, in which he'll be sleeping there so he's unable to stay at yours that evening anyway.

She's also not someone that I'd be bothering with in future, she's taken it upon herself to tell you how upset her DS will be by not being invited to an event he couldn't attend anyway but feels it fine to uninvited two DC from a party that they were possibly looking forward to attending.

What kind of grown adult does that to children for no good reason.

So the options for your friends son were to either not go to the party due to mum being busy working as a nurse. Or to go with school friend to the party then stay the night at theirs. Birthday boys mum does not think this is reasonable so no longer wants either of them to come, what a horrible person. I would deff be sharing this story at the school gate about how dissapointed the boys were at being excluded.

Yes she is , that’s so weird, take no notice and I hope the boys enjoy their sleepover that is absolutely nothing to do with this woman.

Well OP I think your reply was very weak and wishy washy. As I said, you should have just said 'it is NOT a sleepover. I am doing childcare (and am being paid for it).' Your very weak apologetic response left it open for interpretation. Unfortunately, speaking as a non-UKer, you're all so weak and don't say what you really, really need to say.

If at all possible I would pitch up at "3pm prompt" at the venue and hang out there till it closes.

Absolutely everyone in the class must know about all of this asap.

What an awful woman. Poor kid.

Well that told you OP, as@ThatBlackCat says you should have done exactly what @ThatBlackCat told you to do, with your “wishy washy” self.

Now @MNLurker1345, will tell you,
that I personally think your response was the right one.

Have a great sleepover with the boys. BBs mum has shown her
true colours. I hope it doesn’t escalate at the school gate. It’s not worth it.

She is batshit OP

She is absolutely batshit.
Step far away from her OP and do not facilitate any further involvement with her.
She really sounds unhinged.
There are a couple of dozen going and she actually thinks she gets to dictate your post 3pm plans?
Unhinged.
Tell your son the truth.
Don't try and explain it away.
Just say that sometimes adults behave strangely and there is nothing we can do about it.
I don't believe in excusing rude strange behaviour.
I would actively avoid her going forward.
Its fantastic that you have a group of supportive mums, absolutely priceless.

That’s true.
The stiff upper lip.
It is worse in Ireland, we apologise for everything, Sorry, sorry about that, I’m sorry. We even tip workers for a bad job.
I do envy more direct communication with strangers in RL without feeling rude.

Hang on ... so birthday boy could not have joined in the "sleepover" anyway, because he's off to stay with family? Will the madness never end?

You do not sound well.

I think you've handled it well and more generously than many! The mum is doing her son no favours and it's sad really that she's chosen to create drama rather than prioritise his birthday celebrations. I can only think she was seeking out a dramatic response from you along the lines of either begging her to reconsider or promising to cancel the sleepover, so your benign response will likely be pissing her right off - good! Hope you and the boys can find something fun to do instead, and I do hope the friendship between them and birthday boy isn't harmed by the mum's behaviour here!

This is WILD. If you can, take the boys out to do something very fun before the sleepover.

Well it was completely nuts when she wanted you to cancel your private plans but now she’s uninvited the boys it’s clear she’s an utter lunatic!

I actually think she’s trying to punish you via your DS. She felt upset (bizarrely) because she wanted her DS to be the main character on his birthday. Completely understandable for the two hours of his actual party but crazy that she expects the rest of the world to have an utterly dull day outside of those two hours because it’s not their birthday! Anyway, she saw it as a slight against her son that fun might continue without him 🤪 and she clearly felt that deeply. You didn’t jump about and cancel the whole thing when she asked you to (obviously!) and now she wants you to feel hurt in some way because she has nothing else to throw at it. Whilst I’d have been tempted to reply ‘Really???’ to her uninvitation, I think your breezy reply was probably perfect as you’re not indicating any upset, which is of course what she wanted.

A KS1 child’s biggest threat is’Well if you do…you can’t come to my party’. I used to hear it all the time as a YR teacher and was always having conversations about how silly and unkind it was and how we don’t say this to try to get people to do what we want. It seems like this mum hasn’t progressed past KS1 yet!

Everyone in this entire country is that way?!

Yes, she has encountered everyone in this country and witnessed this behaviour from us all.

Cool! Loving her commitment and thoroughness

I remember being at school and friends living closer together having sleepovers to coordinate travelling. Yes, it stung a little to not be involved but I knew it was really because of the travel, not because it was personal. It is important for children to develop rational thinking and to understand the world doesn’t revolve around them. It sounds like the mum needs to learn that too!

You have been very gracious in your response to her, OP. I personally would agree with a PP when explaining it to your son to just lay it out straight, that the mum is irrationally upset and sometimes grown ups need to learn to be kind and regulate their emotions in the same way kids do!