dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

Doesn’t sound like a ‘checked out Father’ more an emotionally and physically beaten down man who has reached the end of their tether.

So you even want to place blame on the younger preferred sibling. Yes I’m sure they are preferred over an aggressive manipulative angry child.

Oh and also the Mums to blame….literally anyone and everyone that doesn’t involve holding this psychotic child accountable…..

Imagine this much vitriol towards a mixed up 6 yr old. What is wrong with you

Imagine trying to blame an entire family, including a toddler for one persons unacceptable behaviour…….

It did happen, but there was less help and understanding back then so parents didn’t talk about it. Going by this thread there isn’t much more understanding now.

Sounds like the brat needed a good hiding long before now. Children didnt behave like that back in the day children got a smack for bad behaviour. I am so sick of hearing people blaming special needs for their kids behaviour.

Disgusting response, especially considering many posters have said he’s behaving like their ND children.
Is this at all helpful to the OP?
Jesus some of you should be fucking ashamed.

And your partner sounds a right tit

A child. A 6 yr old. And noones blaming anyone, it's simply the case that a 6 yr old child in circumstances described in the op has every reason to struggle.

I’d call the parent with an out of control 6 year old a disgrace.

Wow.
The extreme behaviour has all the hallmarks of ND.
Children did behave like that back in the day, they probably got smacked on a regular basis and it didn’t teach them a thing.

OP said that he isnt diagnosed ND, big difference.

Except you literally just blamed everyone else to excuse this child’s behaviour:

a checked out father with depression, a younger sibling who is overtly preferred and a mother who isn't eeking help for him

You seem quite comfortable placing the blame on everyone else within the family.

On the adults who are meant to be parenting him and seeing to his needs but aren't yes

See how ds acts tomorrow and maybe add smacking to your toolbox

I think this is not SEN and some form of personality disorder. I’d be taking him to a psychiatrist. Something isn’t right here

I genuinely, hand on heart, don’t think this is a big of a catastrophe as you both think it is.

But it did. And yes also as a parent of a child with SEN sick of poor parenting from weak parents and followers who seem to believe that SEN means they shouldn't parent properly. SEN is not an excuse and should not be used as an excuse for poor behaviour.

I agree but what when the child punches and kicks the door? Children like this don't just walk away. What do you advise then?

No criticism just curious.

The dp put up with this for a full hour, he doesn’t have anger issues. If anything, he’s too passive and should have stood up sooner before it got to this point

@Jlou yes I agree it is very difficult to manhandle someone when violent. I was 'beaten' by a 3 yr old on a few occasions, kicked repeatedly in the stomach while pregnant, headbutted into the nose while trying to pin hands down from behind. Thankfully for us it was a relatively brief phase and my heart goes out to any parent with this issue ongoing.

Private OT was a game changer for us and taught us how to regulate a child with sensory seeking issues and meltdowns became very rare. Being generally difficult and defiant was another issue however, but again strategies can be put in place to deal with behaviours, usually involving immediate consequences and keeping very calm.

This boy is going to be absolutely out of control by the time he’s 14, OP. The two of you need to get a grip on this. He needs you to be firm and robust with him. Not walking on eggshells, terrified of “making things worse”.

He was pushed beyond his limits. The child should have been removed from the situation one way or another before it got to this stage though. Your son is controlling the house and that needs to stop.

I'm very very anti smacking but I can understand why it happened. Your other half needs to cut himself a bit of slack.

You need to step in and stop a situation escalating like this especially while your husband is ill.

Don't be so stupid. Violence is never acceptable and smacking children is illegal. Get a grip! 😡

You don't hit. You always remove the child or remove yourself.
It sounds like the child has mh issues, though. Not easy.

Under current UK law, smacking is not illegal. It is classed as "reasonable chastisement"

Whether you agree with that or not is irrelevant, its not illegal.