dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

I'd say school is wrong and this IS neurodivergence.

However you are not managing his behaviour at all and you're also leveling blame at him for the relationship his dad has with him

His dad favours his brother, his mum is always busy with his brother, the only attention he can get is by badgering you both until he gets that attention.

What positive things are you doing? How much 1-1 time is he getting? How much exercise and time outside does he get? What does after school look like? Etc etc.

You can't just say your child has challenging behaviour whether neurodivergent or not and leave it at that.

You sure it as jumping off point to find a way to manage your child's behaviour, to look for the reasons, to find what strategies help him de escalate. And waiting until he's 6 to start putting that in place is a problem.

Also swear words, why does a 6 yr old know swear words? Because my child with challenging behaviour doesn't swear at me because while at 7 he now knows swear words he doesn't hear them in context at home EVER so he just wouldn't. Where did your child hear the swear words?

Look at your child and your parenting and find a way to help

You honestly think the number of neurodivergent children outnumbers the number of rubbish parents? Go and chat to some teachers. It’s most definitely the poor parenting today which allows children to think they rule the roost. There are a lot of weak adults whose world revolves around their little darlings. They’re really not doing them any favours in the long run.

@Barnbrack or he’s just a little brat and needs to be parented ?

This!
A six year old should not be allowed to refuse to go upstairs when told to do so.

And who do you think will teach them ? It’s not exactly rocket science to discipline a child. Do we need to pay more taxes because a few parents can’t deal with their own 6 year olds. Seriously. The child isn’t neurodivergent so most likely just incredibly headstrong and stubborn and bordering on bullying his mentally unstable father.

This.

As the mother of one diagnosed ND child, one NT and another suspected NF child, every bit of this.

There's also this bizarre notion that you can't possibly be a crap parent if your child is ND. And how dare anyone suggest that.

99% of the time, irrespective of the child's diagnosis, or lack thereof, it's the parents actions that are the key issue.

I should really report this.

Have you had a 6 or 7yo reach for a knife wanting to stab you?

No? Thought not.

Please don't patronise other parents who get verbally and physically assaulted. DH and myself have photo evidence of being assaulted by our youngest. 7yo at the time. He's waiting to be assessed by CAMHS.

Why didn’t this type of behaviour happen 50 years ago when parents disciplined their children?. We didn’t dare answer back, let alone show any violence.

He sounds like a psychopath. Zero remorse, laughing in peoples faces after causing distress.

I feel sorry for DH, deliberately waking him up and shouting/swearing in his face. That is totally unacceptable and like I said assuming no SEN then he sounds psychotic.

There is no mention of nd in the original post. Your child sounds deeply disturbed and I’m glad you’re getting help.
Just because some children are struggling to cope doesn’t mean some don’t just need to learn who’s in charge. If you’re doubting my opinion that’s entirely understandable because of your lived experience. However, please have a google of the issues facing a huge numbers of schools today. Those children are NOT all ND so something else is going on!

I know, and I do agree with that.

But the crazy part is that they don’t need help. If the parents are rubbish, they need help to learn how to parent.

The alternative is to have situations like op described continuing and escalating. The child is out of control and 100% her and him need help

I agree. Get a lock for your bedroom door so your husband has some peace when he needs it.

Because the violence suffered by the child would be far far worse.

"Getting a belting/leathering/beating" was not simply a turn of phrase for a smacked bottom, it was reality for many children.

Perhaps parenting courses before the child is born? But how do you target the right people? It’s not necessarily a socio economic issue.

The threat of a slap is often enough to deter most children. My husband has never hit my children. But they both know he would if they pushed him hard enough. They never have but they know he means business.

Trying to answer:
‘We’ were possibly ok and never as extreme. Of others who weren’t, some children may have grown out of it, maybe some were put into ‘homes’, or some grew up and turned to drugs or drink, or prison.

My son at 7 is almost 5 foot tall (he's having testing regarding why) and built like a brick s**thouse. I do pick him up and throw him over my shoulder and definitely did when he was much smaller. Have you ever been bitten hard on the back? Clawed? Had a child swivel, grab your hair and pull your head back? Buck his whole body while throwing ever limb towards your head? Been pulled down to their level by them jumping on your backa and repeatedly punching you in the head?

Thank GOD we rarely have escalations like this now because he's so well managed but the change in routine going back to school led to him starting to bite again and I had deep purple bruises up both arms and on my shoulders from.incidents. and there is no answer when they escalate like that. Other than learning to improve management of them and their emotions gradually over time for educe and stop behaviours. And that is hard daily work. But in the moment it's all about blocking, containing and de escalating them emotionally. When my son hits fight or flight until he 4 he's always went flight and eloped constantly, from 5ish onwards he started hitting fight and it was terrifying.

Now it's rare he melts down, he had one tonight with screaming and yelling and in the end we couldn't get him to have a bath and it took both of us working together to get him I to bed and a solid hour with melatonin to settle him to the point where he could sleep.

And yet I agree to an extent with the fact not enough parenting is happening for this child. He's being left to flounder

It doesn't, lots of neurodivergent kids react weirdly to emotions by laughing at an inappropriate emotion. That then escalates, so my son (before I know what was wrong) would get really overexcited, then hyperactive but in a manically happy way then I swear to God you couldn't get him settled and it'd become rage then crying after the fact then he'd settle. Biggest breakthrough was the psychologist explaining Thai and that we needed to get him sensory input and calming down as soon as overexctememt kicked in, even if it looked like he was having fun. Made a HUGE difference

My children both adore their father. I have never threatened them with their father. I have never needed to. They know we are in charge at home. I am by no means a perfect parent, not by a long shot, but a six year old would not be trying to bully their parents in my home.

You’re entitled to your opinion.

OP has said he isn’t ND.

Op has said school have said he's just disruptive, she has stated he has challenging behaviour, everything she states sound very much like he should be seen by a professional to ask that question. It's much much more likely he's neurodivergent than a child psychopath.

Wither way he's a child with a checked out father with depression, a younger sibling who is overtly preferred and a mother who isn't eeking help for him. He's also not being offered any guidance. Calling him a psychopath and saying out a lock on the door helps noone.

A lock on the door would certainly help his dad! @Barnbrack

This
Take care OP