Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

I would be absolutely devastated. And there is no way on earth I could hide how upset I was. Nor should you. Your DD needs to process just how astoundingly unkind and selfish she has been towards you. I doubt very much it will permanently rupture your relationship.

For most people, family take priority. Nothing at all the op has said even hints at some backstory that would make the op that kind of parent. In the many family members and friends I have that have lived overseas (if you do you know lots of people who do) none haven’t prioritised their family. Stop telling the op this is normal, it’s not normal at all unless she’s a completely different person from how she sounds.

That's pretty poor, OP. I'd have to ask her what the reason is for being distant during her trip. It seems odd.

I don't buy that at all. OP is her mother. Unless they have an emotionally distant relationship it seems to be a snub.

I was pretty distant from my family but even I spent at least half my time with my family when I was visiting from overseas. 1 day is brutal unless there's extreme and ongoing family discord.

I'd let her know I was disappointed and not plan to visit her in NZ any more. She just don't care to see you. She didn't spend much time with you when you went there and now 1 day out of 28 here. She's sending you a clear message that you don't matter and I'd let her know how disappointed I was but I'd stay out of their hair from now on. Drop the rope and pull back.

I would try really hard not to take it personally. Yes, they have been thoughtless. But they’ll be trying really hard to see absolutely everyone they possibly can while they’re here and the dads are probably a far more convenient base for them to do that. If they’ve got 28 days here, they probably want to catch up with more than 28 people, as well as various different friend groups and events, and organising that around everyone’s availability will be like a military operation.

And they’re still at an age where they probably believe that their parents will be around forever, so even if their dads are seeing a bit more of them by virtue of the fact they’re staying with them, I strongly suspect they’re just as far down the list of priorities as you and your DH. Plus that’s such a large chunk of annual leave, they probably want to have a bit of a holiday themselves while they’re here.

It’s not you, it’s them.

Either.they saw you in NZ and feel they owe the others time, ( although i would have thought they might have warned you if that was the case ) or maybe your DD doesnt like step dad ? Or is there some other reason. Have you had issues in the past ? I think it's very odd..if you honestly cant think of a reason I would let the dust settle then maybe ask DD in a month or so when they are back in NZ. " DD, was there any reason we saw so little of you ? We were really looking forward to your visit and were so disappointed that we only saw you twice. Is something wrong ? " Also, are you sure the relationship between DD and partner is ok. Could it be.that he is the one dictsting how they spend time ?

OP, I live thousands of miles from my Mum and family and have adult children. If it helps, ime and of my friends, the longer you're away, the pool of friends you catch up with gets smaller and the amount of time you spend with your family gets longer.

That said, talk to her! It doesn't have to be dramatic. Be honest about your feelings so that, next time she is back, you can have better expectations of what time you will be getting with her. Keep it positive and talk about how much you want to spend time with her, that you don't expect the whole trip but you want so see her.

It must be challenging managing the logistics of seeing all friends and family in the short window of time they have in the UK. They would have coordinated meeting up with their friends to fit in with the work/family/other commitments of friends. 1 month is not long at all if you need to squeeze in seeing everyone, in particular when you factor in the lack of access to a vehicle. They are also at the age where friends may be starting families of their own, coordinating visits around childcare demands may be challenging.

I disagree with the posters who say that family must always come first in situations like this, it is a nuanced issue and so dependent on the relationship.
They are young adults who haven't seen their core friends for a significant period of time; young adults have a tendency to put friendships and good times at the forefront of their decisions, in particular when they have no childcare responsibilities. I would ask them if they want to go out somewhere "fun", in a convenient location.

That’s rough and very unfair of your daughter. We live in Aus and make sure to split visits back home up fairly and often literally split up and go to different countries to visit our parents and grandparents and friends, it’s the only way to squeeze it all in if you also want an actual holiday (Greece, skiing, etc) while you are in Europe. To just faff around in her partner’s hometown for a month is not only unkind towards you but odd (to me anyway).

im not suggesting this is you OP but I do despair a bit at how little my family parents plan for me coming home to visit. I’m not expecting an itinerary or anything fancy but I don’t expect to be dragged to Asda - could you not have done that before I arrived?! Could we not pop into town to get lunch or go a dog walk on the beach and get a hot chocolate? They’re happy to mooch at home and I hate it and go stir crazy. I never stay for more than 3/4 nights.

definitely speak to her OP. Don’t moan or whine just text and say you’ve been so looking forward to having them and can you lock in some firm time for them to visit again.

My guess would be be that one or both of them doesn’t want to be around your husband, but I might be projecting because that the situation I have with my Mum. She would say we get on ‘fine’ but that doesn’t mean I want to spend extended periods of time around her husband. Your posts are all about ‘we’ and ‘us’ with the assumption that she should want to see both of you.

Have you offered to travel to where she’s staying so you could have lunch the two of you while her partner goes off with his own friends or family? Maybe she’s rather see you without him around.

Did I read something from OP about "playing games"?

Like Monopoly? That's what you do with kids.

I'm sorry OP that she hasn't been to see you barely while over from NZ.

Wonder if her husband is controlling it all...?

I would be very disappointed too. It must be hurtful to be de-prioritized. But assuming she is heading off in the next few days, it's done now, so maybe focus on what can be done to make sure she chooses to spend more time with you next time.

I think you are right to not say anything (I say it as a daughter who lives overseas), I'd expect there is a chance it would make her feel bad and push her further away. Even if she made more time for you next time, I think you'd want it to be choice rather than duty. If anything, when you say goodbye, you could say you're so sorry you didn't get to see more of them. And leave it at that.

What stands out for me is that they didn't host you in NZ or take time off work. I think this would be hurtful too. Are you quite different personalities? Could it be something like you are quite formal and they feel a bit unrelaxed? Personally I love visiting family where I can truly make myself at home, and where it's fun and not stuffy. Have an objective think about what your DD enjoys. Before she visits again, say you're keen to organize something and what would she like to see or do, then book it to lock it in.

How do you communicate between visits, do you facetime regularly?

As a someone who also lives abroad with DH I think this whole thing is so weird.

You went to NZ for only 5 days and didn't stay with them? Or planned any actual activities?

We just got back from a month holiday over the Christmas period where we stayed with both sides of the family, saw friends and travel around and did our own thing.
It’s hectic trying to fit everyone in but I couldn’t imagine just ignoring one of our family members.

Why did they not arrange for a car for the trip? When you are home for so long you need a damn mode of transport otherwise it makes it even harder to fit everything in.

I don’t think it would be bad thing to gently bring up that you are a bit sad they didn’t spend that much time with you.
But I wouldn’t be doing what people suggest about canceling or confronting her angrily. She’s either really daft, selfish or there is a rift in your relationship and it could make it a lot worse.

I think maybe she’s just taking you for granted, you’re safe old mum who will always be there. Whereas friends are more exciting and also may disappear if she doesn’t make the effort, you won’t disappear and she knows that. It sounds like the dads are more convenient for staying with due to the friend situation and also perhaps more exciting to see the dads because they don’t visit her.
i would let her know, gently and without drama, that you’re disappointed to have had so little time together. And when she next comes home maybe ask her in advance to commit to certain days/activities

Nothing I can really add but just had to send you hugs @abitgutted - you sound lovely and as a mum of a toddler this is up there on worst nightmares. Gosh.

I do agree with you being bright and breezy though as nothing can be achieved by saying anything. I would do lots and lots of video calls etc once they are home to try keep up a relationship going forward. But for now, mum hugs. X

100% this

They probably wanted holiday time not a month of visiting relatives. When you live abroad it is easy to end up with no fun holidays just endless visiting people and having the same conversations with different relatives. As her mother I am surprised she isn’t seeing you for longer and wonder if there is a problem with you or your current husband but she maybe isn’t keen on the area. It is her holiday though and you don’t get to decide how she spends it but if the relationship is usually good I can understand your disappointment but you have to let her have the holiday that she wants.

I really feel for you OP. My head says - young people can take parents for granted and this is what your DD has done and as there is no backstory it’s just that she’s been busy with other things and knows you are always there, offering unconditional love and affirmation, so feels free to to do other things. At 29 she will see time as virtually infinite and she has had time with you in NZ. I think you are right to keep it light when they come for coffee, but also to acknowledge that you are sad she’s going back so soon. You don’t want it to blow up into a drama, but I think a gentle hint that you wish you had seen more of her is not amiss. My heart is indignant for you - she’s taking the piss! Less than 24 hours in 28 days with her lovely Mum.

Also the weather forecast is grim for most of the UK at the moment. I wouldn’t be keen on lots of travelling. I agree it’s a shame you couldn’t have taken the day off when she suggested lunch

I haven't seen my mother in 14 months and she lives in the same country. I don't see her because she's awful to me. It's not hard to understand at all. We've never had a frank conversation about it, although we've tiptoed around the edges of it, and the reason we've never had a frank conversation is because she's awful.

Grown adults are allowed to decide that spending a lot of time with their parents doesn't work for them. They are allowed to have a better relationship with one parent, or an in-law. They do not have to spend their adult life making decisions based on what their mother wants.

@abitgutted I can completely understand why you feel gutted. I would definitely try to pull your daughter aside and ask. It will help you confirm where to put this. If there is a real lack of care or concern on her side then you can adjust accordingly to her energy.

I do think family relationships are very complex though. A friend moved to Oz and from the outside she had an incredibly strong relationship with her Mum but she has some private inner difficulties processing parts of it.

Nothing too bad just challenging but over time she did and things moved forward.

A conversation might help you to contextualise what is going on with your daughter. Even if it is just asking her some questions about why she is choosing to invest her time elsewhere. You have to be careful how you frame the questions not judgement, guilting, criticism or blame but curiosity to see if anything is wrong.

It is hard to say if the behaviour is just selfish which is the easy answer which is why curiosity is best. There could be any amount of self preservation behind it.

Think it’s obvious there is a huge difference between not seeing a parent for 14 months because they’re horrible to you and the circumstances the OP and @Jupiterthecat describe which do not involve a terrible relationship.

I reread your OP and realised that your daughter has already had an overnight stay with you on boxing day so this will be her second visit to see you. I do think you are expecting too much. You have already exchanged news and seen each other. It’s understandable that you would like to see more of her but it is also understandable that with 2 lots of separated parents and lots of friends and relatives they have a lot to fit in

Sorry, I think this is terrible parenting advice. We do not raise emotionally mature, considerate adults by sparing them the effects of their own actions.