Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

Tells you all you need to know.
We have other plans.
It means your not a priority sorry.

A kind loving daughter would realise her mum wants to see her and she also want to see her mum.
You shouldn't have to ask.

Its not the same if it dosent come from her heart.

I would have to say something! If it doesn’t come up in person, I’d wait until she is home and send this:

Hi DD, I am a little bit confused at why you hardly wanted to spend any time with me this trip, is there anything I should know about? I was so excited to see you! I really do appreciate that you have lots of people to see but out of 28 days, to only spend 1.5 days with me just seems a little bit odd. We have offered to pick you up and shared all our shifts etc. It has upset me quite a lot to be honest, I’d love to hear your thoughts? Love you x

Well I am quite blunt with my dc, so I would say “I feel very sad that you don’t want to spend time with me, why is that ? It hurts a lot as I feel bottom of the priority list, yet I am the woman who gave birth to you and brought you up. If I have done anything to upset you then please let’s sort it out”.
I should say , that people who happily move this enormous distance from their parents, are generally quite focused on themselves and not on their family, or how things might play out when parents are old or sick.
Do you have any other children? As this might be good coming from them.

Frankly this would NOT fly with my mum at all and at 40 I would not only want to spend the time with her but I would be embarrassed not to respect my mum enough to do so! And if my DH did that to his parents I’d be embarrassed of him too!

Can you give a bit more info about your trip to NZ?
How long were you there for? You stayed in a hotel for 5 days and they didn’t take any time off work but you went out for meals. Were they unable to put you up or did you choose to stay in the hotel instead?
Maybe she felt she wasn’t a priority when you visited NZ.
A friend of mine visited her family abroad for a month and her family were really put out that they spent quite a bit of that time travelling around sightseeing. My friend hadnt considered this at all and was actually a bit annoyed too as she wanted to see the country.
Some crossed wires to untangle there!
Or I would agree with other posters that they don’t really get on with your husband.

I would be so utterly disgusted by your daughter. You’re not just any random person- her own mother. And she couldn’t make the time for you? She’s old enough to be married, live life in a whole other continent yet behave in such a way. I really would tell her how badly she’s behaved. What’s the worse that can happen? She sees you even less?

Exactly, she’s an utter embarrassment.

OP didn't make much time for her either - didn't take any time off work, expected her DD to work around her shifts and when her DD did offer lunch, decided it wasn't good enough because she couldn't stay the night or all day afterwards.

Also if their experience is anything like ours people can be really flaky even though they demand to see you and they could be managing their way around that.
Honestly we travel 12000 miles back to the uk and although I don’t expect people to drop everything for us it’s remarkable how inflexible and stuck in routine people get. We can offer several days to people to agree a meet up but we get ‘oh we can only do Wednesday at 4pm for two hours as Dave has 5 a side that night’, ‘ we can’t do Saturday as we go to the farm shop that day’, ‘Tuesday doesn’t work as little Veronica has a play date’. I mean honestly can’t Dave sack off 5 a side one night or move the farm shop visit?! In those circumstances people have even said ‘oh sad you couldn’t make time to see us, oh well maybe next time’. Aggggghh!

So we end up having to shift things around last minute to accommodate and spend most time travelling places exhausting ourselves in the process and having to reduce time elsewhere with others. Sadly it’s the most flexible people like you who bear the brunt as they may think ‘oh Mum is free the whole time so we’ll fit her in around others who aren’t so flexible’ and then time runs away.

Im just trying to think of reasons why they haven’t seen you much and where their mindset might be so it doesn’t feel so hurtful. It’s a difficult one for you.

I think she probably is just taking you for granted. I wrote a post about my similar aged child being a little entitled and since then I’ve come to realise that I am always just always ‘okay’ with her and so she never has to worry that she’s upset me. I suppose in some ways that’s nice but we do tend to get the crappy end of the stick. If you’re the only one that’s visited her then my opinion is that she probably thinks you’ll make the effort again soon. Honestly I wouldn’t do it again if I were you. It won’t kill her to feel slightly guilty that she’s spent 1 night out of 28 with you. Who wants a visit out of guilt though?

This is so so hurtful 💔

Id have to say something.

That's not far at all, just go see them, I travel further daily to work

As an adult DD who visits my parents overseas in a similar way this sounds really upsetting. We usually arrive to my DH's parents first they are nearest to the airport and my parents are 2.5 hours away. I know we have to be fair and spend time with both families but as soon as my feet hit home soil I want to be with my parents. Does she not want to just sit in your house and relax and not feel like a visitor? That is what I want, I want to be part of the furniture again once we arrive.

I get that you have to tread very carefully. And I don't think you should mention your SIL in any conversation. I just think you should talk directly to your DD and say you feel quite sad and would love to spend just an evening with her, for example.

When does she leave, OP? Can you squeeze in some trips where you pop over to see her. Even if just for coffee etc, show willing? And if she says she's busy/has plans with others, express how much you'd like to see her before she goes, as much as possible within reason, explain that you'd really hoped to spend some quality time together. It doesn't have to be loaded with guilt, but still have truth in it.

This is heart-breaking OP. I have been the forgotten about relative and it was awful. I was also the only person from Britain who travelled across the world to see them, when they were desperate to show their family and friends the success they had made. When we had the fleeting visit to England, me and my then DP were so excited, cleaned the house from top to bottom etc. etc. All we got was a phone call saying they weren't going to make it to our house after all.

I'm not sure what you should do. Try and be breezy tomorrow? I can't see how you can win by saying anything ever. But it's completely rubbish.

I live in Germany, nowhere near as far as your DD, and my mum/dad even my aunties would be devastated if I only saw them for one day...

Assuming your relationship is good, this is pretty awful of your DD.

It sounds like they have tried to fit to many people into 28 days. The other issue is possibly location. Maybe it would have been better if they had hired a car then they could have come to see you more. As you visit them maybe they have tried to prioritise those that do not. I would communicate to them that you feel you have hardly seen them. Maybe they will be more organised next time.

Absolutely gutting, but it could just be that this is who she is, a bit ambivalent about her parents.

Sadly I hear about it more and more as anecdotes
Very focused when it comes to their inheritance though!

My MIL is in this position with my BIL in Australia and she'd be rightly devastated to only get a day or so - this does not happen as he is not rude or insensitive. I think those saying there must be a reason have a point, as 'we have loose plans with friends' is a complete slap in the face. The OP isn't even being turned down for definite plans?

It would be good to know how and why your NZ visit worked out as it did. I must say that I wouldn't go again on that basis, as it's a long way, gruelling and expensive, to then only get a few evenings with the people you are there to see. It's possible they are taking it for granted that you'll go again fairly soon.

It's sounding as if both parties are inflexible.

Could you not have driven over to his dad's & gone out for lunch nearby for example?

How long were in NZ for?

I probably would have wanted to see them again for a day or two at the end of the visit also.

It really isn't making a drama to tell her you're disappointed they didn't make an effort to see you and that you can't help wondering what is wrong. They're adults. At 29 they are mature enough.

I live abroad. 12 hours away from the UK. We and everyone we know spend 90% of our time with family when we visit. The only ones that don't, openly say they have terrible relationships with their parents.

How close are you to your daughter? I know families are all different but in our family we wouldn't travel 12000km to see each other after 14 months apart and stay in a hotel and just visit in the evening. We would stay in each other's house and we would definitely be taking leave from work to spend time with each other. That seems almost as strange to me as your daughter only scheduling limited time on her visit to see you.
You're right she would find time in 28 days to see you more if she wanted to. The question is why she didn't and why you or her didn't want to stay in her house when you travelled around the world to see her.
Doesn't make it less hurtful, but there must be some reason other than just potential thoughtfulness.

How long have they lived in NZ? Is this their first trip back? Can only assume they have over-committed themselves with friends. Sounds like they haven't get got children yet so it's all about friends.
Extremely hurtful of course, one day she will realise this am sure.

In her ex husbands or SIL’s Dads home without an invitation? You can’t just show up and hope for the best. I suppose they could go to the area and message to say they are around and would like to see them if they’re free.