Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

So sorry OP, that’s awful for you. Completely understandable to be gutted.

I’d be absolutely gutted OP- YANBU!

My beloved nephew visited recently from overseas and I saw him more than this. Despite being 21 years young, he prioritised his mum and wider family.

Im sure your gutted about this but I understand you not wanting to say anything. It’s awful when they go back, going under a cloud would be unbearable.

I think you have to say something

to see you for one day in a month is pretty rubbish and I would be very upset if my dd

They must have had warning they were coming over

I know you feel you should keep quiet, but I’d have to say something @abitgutted even if just to check whether you inadvertently upset them and to say you’d hoped to see more of them.

To say id be upset is an understatement, i’d be gutted, i’m so sorry. I would definitely tell her upset you are, not to make her feel bad but just for her to know how much you love and miss her, and that yes, you’re disappointed!

No point in that, you won’t see them for 2 years anyway. Which is enough time to get over it.

She prefers her dad to you. It's a harsh truth to hear. Do you have other children you can concentrate on ?

Things like this shouldn’t be left unsaid between family. What’s the point of being a loving family if you’re too scared to be honest with them when they hurt you? That’s how you treat an acquaintance or work colleague, you just suck it up, and it really shouldn’t be like that with a child you indicate you have a good relationship with.

Just preparing myself for the future as I assumed the well known phrase

“A daughter is a daughter for life, and a son is a son until he takes a wife”

was based on reality!

Just say, I was hoping to spend more time with you. Can we plan an outing?
If the response is vague, noncommittal, or an excuse then ask: Is something wrong? It seems you are avoiding me/us this visit.

There is no "should" about it. For many people, friends will always take priority. Friends are really important. Not everyone has a so-called 'perfect family'.

And the common advice even seems to be for parents to just shut up and be happy with the crumbs and not expect anything.

As is always the case on Mumsnet when a parent has the nerve to hope for some time/warmth/presence from their adult offspring.

Good grief, even my late husband's cousin and his wife chose to spend three days staying with me during their three weeks trip from Australia to catch up with family and friends. To give a parent just a day and a half out of 28, and to rebuff OPs invitations and suggestions to meet more, is really shitty.

Yet here are people saying that OP should be grateful for what she got. No, she really doesn't have to be grateful for crumbs.

You have to say you really wanted to see more of her. Maybe she’s not thinking.

I know! My mum came to visit me and there were days I could not get work off and I only had a strict 45 minute lunch break. She would sit in a cafe or restaurant near my work, have the food ordered, so I could run in, eat with her and then run back. She'd then settle the bill so it didn't cut into our time together. So she maybe got 35 minutes with me...

(I did see her other times, she was just maximising it).

I am also someone who does the Big Trip Home and fitting everyone in in a fair way is really, really tricky. I would say a lunch slot is a prime slot and be really upset if a parent turned me down and would definitely assume they weren't that fussed.

All our four (divorced) parents always turn up to the airport and always turn up at shared events that we host somewhere neutral like a brothers house or a pub. They make it easy for us to see them and so we do.

Do you think they expected you to take time off work? And so if they were expecting that, you sending your shifts might have felt a bit of a let down for them, like they've come all the way across the world and you can only fit them in here and here?
Because it seems like their language is purposeful, that they have other plans or can't fit you in etc

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have taken time off, just trying to understand what has gone wrong as there seems to be such a mismatch in expectations.

Reading how you got the room cosy and their favourite food etc made me so sad for you. It's exactly what I do when my dd comes to stay. Your dd is taking you for granted and that's a horrible feeling.

I would probably keep quiet but let her know how much you loved seeing for the one day, and that you will miss her and hopefully will see more of her on the next visit. Then fill your life with other family and friends & stay busy x

You keep saying it really is that simple is they wanted to see you, they would have.

But relationships and communication is rarely that simple.

They might be feeling hurt due to you working and not prioritising their visit. So in that case it's not that they didn't want to see you, they did, but are hurt and upset...so therefore don't want t to see you.

I think you're going to regret NOT saying something and you'll always be left wondering.

If you care about your relationship with your DD you need to make yourself vulnerable and at her mercy and talk to her, not in an accusatory way but ask if you've done anything to give her the impression you don't want to see her.

But when are the going home? It's only the 8th of January. If they came just before Xmas they are here for a while yet. It's likely they will have more time now most of their friends have gone back to work.

You don't say how much time they have spent with her dad and his dad.
If it's 27 days with them but 1 with you it is bad but you don't say

Also when is the last time she was home? Remember she may not have seen some of these people for years but she has seen you. So I think I'm a buy more sympathetic than some.

I would be really sad if either of my DC did this.

It's "bad enough" that they made a choice for themselves and moved away?

What an awful response from you.

I am so sorry to hear this it is horrible. My ds and his wife and family also live in New Zealand. I dont have exactly the same problem but I totally understand. When they visit they always stay with her parents and spend most of their time visiting her family and joint friends and I feel I get the crumbs. I have spoken to my son about it and things have improved slightly. My only advice would be to chat with her, try not to get emotional even if it's when they have gone back. I really hope you can get this sorted out.

She probably thinks that you'll go over and visit her again, but she won't see the other people til she comes to UK again.

I think you need her to say that to you. Just tell her that you're upset that she's spent so little time with you and if there's a problem she needs to be open about it.

They do seem quite selfish/thoughtless and I’d be very hurt if I was you. I thought you were going to say the dads/friends live hours away. The distances you mention are tiny. It’s not a great sign that even after you made the effort to go all the way to NZ your daughter didn’t take any time off work to show you around. Have they been in NZ long? I expect that over time their friends will grow up and have families and move on with their lives and if they travel home with children they’ll be very glad to see more of you.

A version of this is very common indeed on MN, i.e. if you move overseas, the onus is on you to go back and visit.