Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

This is so awful. I can relate to some of it 💙

I mean if OP and her spouse weren't invited then it would be pretty rude to just show up to someone's house and demand to take her dd and SIL to lunch. OP was very clear that she and her partner offered to drive over to wherever her dd and dd's husband were staying to see them. But she can't force her presence on her dd or her dd's husband.

It’s the difficulty in feeling able to raise it with the daughter that resonates. Also the failure to communicate about expectation before the trip.
Eggshells, conflict averse etc could all be the reason.

Spending Boxing Day together when there isn’t much alternative isn’t that generous. Most people are with family on that day. The other days, the not seeking out to be together, for 27 days, is upsetting.

That is heartbreaking OP. I too would be really upset.

I mean if OP and her spouse weren't invited then it would be pretty rude to just show up to someone's house and demand to take her dd and SIL to lunch.

I meant by invitation!

Op has said I think that they would drive over & collect them & take them back.

Maybe her daughter didn't want to just go to Op's house?

It seems to be that suggestions are made but no alternatives offered when they don't suit.

I would honestly call her up and say I need to ask- have we done something? are you mad at us? I can’t otherwise understand why you are spending so little time with us on your trip here. All your friends would understand if you said I have those days booked to spend with mum, so it’s your choice here, and I just can’t not ask anymore.

I grew up overseas as did many of my friends- their behaviour is awful. Parents should calmly point out when they are being treated like dirt- don’t protect her feelings over yours when she is being awful to you.

The key thing that stood out to me is that the OP turned down the opportunity to go to lunch with her DD as they would have to go back after lunch. Who does that? If you had said, great, let's do lunch, then I think that would have led to a few more coffees and lunches, whilst they were based by two other parents. As it was, the OP turned that down. It does sound like the OP's DD isn't champing at the bit to spend time over at her mum's staying overnight. Only the DD can say why.

Of course you need to say something. Why wouldn't you? I would have said something far earlier than this. It is not like it would have made much of a difference to the amount of time they have spent with you.

someone said down the thread ‘loose plans with friends is a complete slap in the face’. Spot on.
There is a problem or the DC selfish - could be both. I really sympathize OP.

You can message to say 'we'll come to your area, where can you e meet you' also not all parents are good parents. I wouldn't meet my dad if he was in my front yard.

I can understand why you’re disappointed, but she won’t know unless you tell her.

Anyone with half a brain or an ounce of emotion would think they ought to see their own mother for more than this!

Yanbu, I’d be absolutely gutted. I’d have to say something, in as much of a non-drama way as possible, to let her know how hurtful it is.

Think you are leaving out some personal stuff, but there is more context here. Your DD did not want to spend time with you, is the relationship cool or is she thoughtless.

Does she even have a relationship with your DH? Or is this something you’re trying to force? Could that be an issue?

I have a bad relationship with my mother and my step father is an abusive alcoholic but even I stayed at theirs for 2 nights during a recent visit back to my home town which is a long haul distance away. My guess is that they figure that they’ll see you again in NZ but won’t see any of their UK friends for a while, so they’re cramming everyone else in and his dad’s is the easiest base for that.

Never mind "ought" - most people would want to see their own mother for more than that. So why hasn't DD either wanted to see OP, or at least thought she "ought" to prioritise her over casual arrangements with friends?

There's a reason OP is not telling us.

Yes agree.
I visited my son in Australia but didn’t actually stay at his house. I stayed in an apartment quite close to him . He worked Monday to Thursday,he needs the income.This worked well for both of us. Definitely not an indication that we had any issues. He was always free in the evenings and we had fabulous weekends away exploring together.

What? Are you reading a different thread?

Poor OP can't win. If she stayed in a hotel she's cold and unfeeling and normal, loving parents would stay with their DD. If she stayed at her DD's she's overbearing and lacking boundaries(!).

Sounds like exactly the kind of thing my sin would do and not see the issue at all. So frustrating.

Think you might be the one reading a different thread.

OP has posted that her DD suggested coming for lunch, but couldn't stay overnight as she had plans the next day. For some reason OP didn't want to do that.

I think she would know that her Mum would be disappointed with so little visiting time.

How far away are you from DH's friends' areas? Could you stay up near them to see more of them? I lived abroad and know it can be a juggle to see everyone.

I don't think it's the staying in a hotel that's the issue as there may well not have been room for them in DD's home. It's the limited time they spent together while they were there.

"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days" is trotted out regularly on MN threads, as is the recommendation that visitors should check in at a Travelodge.

I wouldn’t be impressed!