Friend annoyed with me over NYE plans

[TraitorsSandwich]

interested in opinions on this one as now I’m questioning myself !!

For several years, me and DH have spent NYE with my friend and her husband, taking it in turns to host. They were always really keen to say how it was a nice ‘tradition’ etc and up until this year it had worked for us too.

However we have grown close to another group of friends & instead spent NYE with them - friend and her DH were on their own and friend has said to me that she’s upset we ditched them for our new friends.

WIBU ? I feel bad now that they were on their own but equally don’t agree that we should be forced into seeing them every NYs.

Your behaviour was awful. I hope you take on board the comments here and apologise to your friends.

I think you were rude. You could have just said you had other plans, been invited out.

But you've made it look like your old friends weren't good enough for you.

Of course it could have worked. I have always taken more than merrier approach to friendships. I think it's a huge shame you didn't at least offer this option.

But I hate thinking people can be this thoughtless to longstanding friends

At least if you had had the guts to tell them with plenty of notice they could have made other plans

So you weren't honest with them or decent enough to have an actual conversation around a change to established tradition, YABVU for that aspect at least
My 16 Yr old had a similar dilemma in that her bestie was talking about arranging something for the 2 of them as they weren't into the idea of hanging out drinking but it turned out an activity agroup she's involved with was organising was on that evening. She was honest with the friend and arranged to meet her for food to celebrate a bit earlier, because she's a good friend and didn't want to upset her. As an adult I'd expect you to at least address the situation

You sound just like a friend of mine who chooses to keep all her friends separate from each other in case we should ever dare to become friendly with them ourselves. Horrible behaviour.

Yes- what you did was a bit shit tbh.
I’d have been very upset too.

Of course it could have worked. You attended as a couple. Would have been easy to just say "yes we would love to join you, we usually spend new year with our friends X & Y, is it ok if I invite them along too". Problem solved.

You didn't care as long as your alright. You sound like a shit friend. Happy to ditch your old friends in favour of something shiney and new, without even having the decency to tell them so they could arrange other plans. And then you wonder why they are pissed off 😂

From your friends perspective you ghosted them for a better offer from new and more exciting friends.

So yeah I can see why she’d feel upset about being disregarded like that after years of friendship. Can you not see her perspective?

Things change and evolve, no one can just do the same thing forever. Assuming of course they didn’t find out you had other plans on Boxing Day

It sounds like your friends are (like you) the sort who enjoy spending NYE with other people.

So you realise, of course, @TraitorsSandwich, that they may have turned down offers to spend NYE with OTHER friends because they thought they should honour the usual arrangement with you? That had you told them in good time you had decided to do something else, they could have taken other friends up on these offers?

Either OP comes back and says, 'thanks guys - you're right, I'm the friend and I didn't know if I was being unreasonable to be so hurt'... or 'hmm, interesting, so opinion is divided and lots of people agree that I shouldn't have to be committed to people just because we have in the past spent NYE together, no need for some of the nasty comments'.

Or, never comes back at all.

Definitely agree with this. Would also add it's not unreasonable for a friend to feel upset about a shift like changing traditions either. That doesn't mean you're obliged to maintain them but nothing wrong with your friend feeling and expressing that either.

That's not great at all. You should have told them properly that you had other plans!

This is the part that makes you very, very unreasonable.

It isn't unreasonable to do something different from previous years, as you move through life, but YWVVVU to not let your friends know at the point you had decided to do something else, so they, too could have arranged something else, rather than leaving them assuming everything would be the same as it had previously.

How would you have felt if it was the other way around?

I thought you were fairly unreasonable until I read your updates. You and DH are snide for not being upfront and dumping old friends for shiny new ones.

Yes, that was a really shitty and juvenile way to deal with your dilemma. Time to grow up. Start by apologising to your friend and behave like an adult in future.

I think you could have handled it better - it does seem a bit callous to not let them know in advance what your plans were.
I’m sure you’d feel hurt if they had done this to you.

You were so bloody rude for not telling them straight. Not surprised they're angry.

You weren’t clear with them about your NYE traditio
not being a tradition Anymore. Cowardly really.

You are free to do other things with other people. It is the way you handled it that was extraordinarily rude. Surely you must know that.

This.

You can do whatever you personally want on NYE,
BUT

They invited you and you kind of ghosted them by ignoring the invite/changing the subject and not contacting them about your annual get together.

You left them hanging on waiting to hear from you and they didn't press you as they got the message. But its not a kind way to deliver it really. You've left it up to them to wonder if its because you don't really like them, or find them boring... when in fact its simply that you wanted to do NYE differently.

That's poor.

You don't have to see them every NYE or dump them... There are alternatives. You could arrange another meetup to celebrate... even if its later in January or earlier in December and it could be at a different venue if you are bored of just being at homes with them. If they are good company, its worth hanging on to them and just introducing some variety and not fixing everyone's expectations on one evening.

This makes absolutely no sense. It's probably easier to introduce a couple to a larger group as what difference does an extra 2 persons make rather than introduce 1 couple to another where it's a smaller group and things are more likely to be awkward if both sides don't get along well.

In addition to being unnecessarily cowardly about making alternate plans, you're not even willing to admit you didn't want to include them, not that you couldn't.

This is such unkind behaviour and I hope your friend realises that she is deserving of friends who won't exclude her just because they have shiny, new friends.

That's poor of you and your DH. Is it how you'd want to be treated by people you considered friends?

This is a reverse, surely?