Friend annoyed with me over NYE plans

[TraitorsSandwich]

interested in opinions on this one as now I’m questioning myself !!

For several years, me and DH have spent NYE with my friend and her husband, taking it in turns to host. They were always really keen to say how it was a nice ‘tradition’ etc and up until this year it had worked for us too.

However we have grown close to another group of friends & instead spent NYE with them - friend and her DH were on their own and friend has said to me that she’s upset we ditched them for our new friends.

WIBU ? I feel bad now that they were on their own but equally don’t agree that we should be forced into seeing them every NYs.

Why wouldn't it have worked? Seems like you ditched your long term friends for a more cooler bunch. no wonder they're hurt

Harsh op, very harsh.
Obviously you can spend it with whoever you like but she’s not wrong. You did dump them for someone else. I’d be distancing myself from you going forward.

This has got to be a reverse because it’s so hard to believe someone could be called out on their behaviour and still not see how awful they’ve been.

You basically got a better offer and binned them off. Probably ended a lengthy friendship as well
Well done

Shame on you, @TraitorsSandwich (and your equally spineless DH).

Not for spending NYE with a different set of friends but for your cowardice and disingenuousness.

I think it is abundantly clear to you, as it is to everyone, that you have acted badly and done what's easiest for you.

You're just trying to weasel your way out of it with language like "being forced."

Grow a backbone and apologise to your friend for treating her with so little respect.

You weren’t unfair to make different plans for New Year.
However, you were bang out of order for not being upfront about it to your old friends and keeping them hanging. Really unreasonable.

I don't see why hosting both couples would not have worked.

Surely you just tell your new group of friends what your usual arrangement over the last few years has been and that you are also willing to host them too? You then also inform your usual friends what is happening too. Discuss it openly, not leave it and hope that they will just forget about it and let it drop, which is what you seem to have done.

For all you know they could have had other options that they could have taken up but didn't because of the regular arrangements with you, which you suddenly just ditched on them without explanation. That is probably how it would have come across.

So yes, I'm afraid I do think you were rude here and maybe owe your older friends an apology.

That’s pathetic if true . IF this is not a reverse or something how can you think it is acceptable to know you were going to spend the NY elsewhere but deliberately withhold this information from them?

Especially when they mentioned it in conversation a few months before - that would’ve been the perfect time for you and your husband to tell them.

Grow up and do better next time.

Look, of course it's up to you to spend NYE with whomever you chose. BUT.....i host a NYE party every year, everyone knows this, it's a sort of tradition. Which sounds what your NYE was like with your friends. If my friends decided that they had a new set of friends they would rather spend time I think, or I know, I would be a bit upset. I wouldnt say anything but yeah, i would be a bit put out. Did you tell them well in advance, or did you do the cowardly thing and just not mention it? I don't blame her for being upset, it's pretty shitty really.

Why not? A bit shit to ditch them and then not actually tell them. You could have invited them. I'd be pissed off too

I can understand why your friend was upset, I would be too. It's as though you dropped them because you had a better offer

Unless either side is an embarrassment or something of course people are capable of having other people in their group for the sake of a social event.

I had initially voted YANBU as I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to spend it with someone else instead. However having read the updates and seeing how poorly you handled the communication I’ve changed it to YABU.

If I were in that couple you ditched I’d not want to make any plans to celebrate NY with you again and would probably look at the friendship differently.

Never mind YABU - YATA!

Yeah I was sure you were fine but then read your updates and that’s awful. You have lost that friendship most likely.

Are you still at school?

This is one of those situations where the how you did something is at least equally 'off' as the what you did. In truth the how something is done is usually the thing that is worse and the thing that more deeply impacts relationships.

You and your dh are right, those conversations can be awkward, but not having them is far worse b/c people feel rejected/betrayed/hurt. You absolutely don't have to spend every NYE with them, of course not, but did it not warrant at least some communication that you will be busy this year? And ask them if you could book in a date/time for a get together with them either earlier in December or in January? The way you did it gives those vibes of getting a better offer, going with the invite that makes you feel more popular, which in fairness most people don't respond well to. How did they find out you got together with another group?

Maybe calling or sending a text (think not about what is more comfortable for you, but instead what is best for them with regards to receiving the message/communication) with an apology. Let them know you know you handled it poorly and that they are great friends and you hope they'll forgive you. You could offer some dates to get together. They may or may not want to get the friendship back on track but you can't control that.

I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt your friends. Hopefully acknowledging the hurt helps. Good luck!

Where you have let yourself down is terrible communication!

please learn snd grow as your lack of communication has hurt a long term friend

100% - well put

Eh? Why not? Are people who haven’t met before incapable of speaking to each other?

Yikes who needs enemies with friends like you!

Not in the Mn world where everyone is misanthropic and would regard being expected to talk to new people on NYE would be tantamount to a declaration of war, and to involve one or both parties posting on Mn on New Year's Day about whether they were unreasonable to be annoyed about people they didn't know being invited to NYE at someone else's house.

Yeah, you were really rude and unkind

Is this a reverse? That's such an awful way to people

Yeah, you've blown it. You're not unreasonable to want a change and not to do the same thing every new year, although it doesn't sound like you've been going to your friends since the year of the short corn anyway.

Chickening out of giving them advance warning because you didn't want to adult has caused the actual problem though.