Friend annoyed with me over NYE plans

[TraitorsSandwich]

interested in opinions on this one as now I’m questioning myself !!

For several years, me and DH have spent NYE with my friend and her husband, taking it in turns to host. They were always really keen to say how it was a nice ‘tradition’ etc and up until this year it had worked for us too.

However we have grown close to another group of friends & instead spent NYE with them - friend and her DH were on their own and friend has said to me that she’s upset we ditched them for our new friends.

WIBU ? I feel bad now that they were on their own but equally don’t agree that we should be forced into seeing them every NYs.

This.

Also, I think its weird you didn't invite them and let them judge if they wanted to come or not.

We spend every NYE with another couple for the past 5 years. This year they chose to go elsewhere, to another party they had been invited to. Didn't bother us as they told us when they got the invite and weren't hosting so wasn't their place to invite us. Had they hosted and it was friends, not family, I'd have been a little hurt

You’ve handled it badly ignoring their messages and just going with the other group. You should’ve said that you unfortunately couldn’t make it this year, but hopefully next year. Would’ve given them a chance to make alternative arrangements.

We used to have a similar arrangement w a couple (started when DC were born and we’d stay over or they’d stay at ours). However, due to some changes of circumstance we now go to another more local friends (and have got to know their friends over the past few years do always good to catch up). We always sort this out weeks in advance and our original friends make other plans.

There’s no hard feelings and I’d love to see our original friends again on NYE but it’s just not practical atm.

I spend every new year with my BIl and SIL in a similar set up as you. My group of fairly new friends did a New Years thing but we still celebrated with BIL and SIL as I enjoy it, it means a lot to us and I can see my friends whenever.

If I had chosen not to spend it in the usual way, I would have had a proper discussion with them so they weren't hanging on for us and could be sure they could make other plans.

Appalling behaviour. Wow.

@StrawberryJangle I wouldn't care but both my friend and I are in our 70s! She goes to a local weekly coffee club of golden oldies and never once has said come along. I don't bother asking because I don't actually need more friends but the OP seems to be dog in the manger too!

Haha! You might show her up by ordering tea at coffee club or something.

Do you have form for such social faux pas? Hmmm...!

Yabu because its a long standing arrangement so not unreasonable to expect the status quo. You should have told them in plenty of time for them to make new plans. Its fine to make new friends and make new plans but yabu to have not said anything

Totally agree, op really isn’t covering themselves in glory at all.

Looks like OP's ditched us now...

Yanbu to want to hang out with other people too but they aren't unreasonable for feeling left out and hurt by the choice you've made and from experience it probably isn't this isolated incident that's made them feel this way either, there's probably been a few times you've excluded them.

If you value the friendship, make time for them too, include them in some things you do with this new group too (not all the time just do things sometimes with your old friends on their own, your new friends on their own and occasionally things all together)

Found some shiny new MNetters to hang out with

Didn't even let us know. Typical

🤣🤣

I would think it's a bit shady yes.
Is there a reason you couldn't/didn't make it a group thing? When did you inform your friend of your NYE plans, since you had made it a tradition?

Of course, you shouldn't be 'forced' to do anything. But the very fact you say you would 'feel' forced, says a lot about how you now view this friendship.

'Felt awkward'? Because you presumably had already made/contemplated making other arrangements?
And you decided not to be up-front about this because...?

Like pretty much everyone else on this thread, I think you handled this horribly. You should have told them clearly months ago that you had other plans. This is not how adults with any shred of empathy behave with their friends. I hope they have found better friends to spend their time with now.

wow YABU. We have friends we do this with. I had to travel abroad to help an aging parent and even then I apologised for messing up the usual NYE plans! You've got to acknowledge what you're doing or you do absolutely come off as dumping them for new friends (which you have done).

Making other plans AND just not mentioning it is horrible, sorry. You clearly do not value these friends and if you like these people at all, you should grow a backbone and apologise properly.

Have we been ghosted OP? You haven’t returned 🤔

YANBU to want to socialise with new mates. YWBVVU in the way you handled it. I’m not surprised your friends were upset!

I agree with your friend, it’s shitty behaviour on your behalf. If that’s how you felt, then you should have an adult honest conversation with your friend and explain. Isn’t that the least you would expect as a friend if it were you?

I would be hurt too. It looks like you've ditched them for a better offer..

I'm not surprised they felt hurt, your not very mature just leaving it and not telling them you have new friends. I wonder if your new friends will include you next New Year when they realise what your like.

Ok…

so they invited you over as always. You didn’t say nothing that would prevent them from thinking you guys are coming and then you move to another invitation once made?

hmmm…me thinking you were maybe feeling awckward but if you haven’t had another invite you would have showed up there? I think she is right and you guys ditched them when a better offer came on.

I hope they find better friend!

When you're 18 NYE is the most important night of the year. Assuming you're not, it's not a big deal!! Maybe you could have included them, but if you didn't want to, she needs to be a bit more resilient!!

If I was your friends I’d be very offended . You say you usually spend NYE with them . Therefore they would have expected the same this year. To make alternative plans without having the courtesy to tell them well in advance is just plain rude. You clearly have no concept of common courtesy. If I was your friend and I’d now happily be an ex friend . Frankly, talking about your “new friends”
makes you sound like a five year old child or a teen mean girl