Friend annoyed with me over NYE plans

[TraitorsSandwich]

interested in opinions on this one as now I’m questioning myself !!

For several years, me and DH have spent NYE with my friend and her husband, taking it in turns to host. They were always really keen to say how it was a nice ‘tradition’ etc and up until this year it had worked for us too.

However we have grown close to another group of friends & instead spent NYE with them - friend and her DH were on their own and friend has said to me that she’s upset we ditched them for our new friends.

WIBU ? I feel bad now that they were on their own but equally don’t agree that we should be forced into seeing them every NYs.

I dont understand why

I'd be really hurt if I was treated this way - especially as you were celebrating with a group of people and so could easily have included your original friends.

Don't be surprised if they ditch you for treating them this way. You don't sound particularly nice or kind.

You should have communicated your plans to them, I understand why they are hurt.

Do you mean they were expecting you (because you hadn't let them know anything different) so they just sat there on NYE waiting for you and you didn't turn up? Wow.

New friends will probably ditch you for someone new next NYE.

Could you have handled any worse? Rude and dismissive of old friends. Awful behaviour. I think you need to apologise if you want to see them again.

Oh awful behaviour on your part. You know it was and now want strangers to help you justify your appalling, spineless behaviour. Karma will prevail.

I think they are reasonable to be hurt. They asked, you did not make a decision and then ducked out of saying you intended going somewhere else. So you left them high and dry for your new friends. You should have said that you were not doing the usual thing this year, maybe planned something else with your old friends.

So they assumed you would be coming and you knew several months ago that you would not be and didn't say so. That's horrible behaviour.

Let’s hope you keep these new friends OP

Unfair, rude and juvenile not to tell them MONTHS in advance when you clearly had decided to make other plans.

They have every right to feel upset with you.
You have basically ditched them for new friends.
And, you felt too awkward (apparently) to even bother to be honest with them.
You aren’t required to spend New Year with anyone, obviously, but as it’s something you do every year that’s become tradition, and it was expected, and you didn’t even tell them, of course YATA.
i hope your new friends are amazing and you never treat them the way you have your previous friends, as you may end up being rather lonely.

I disagree, if you’re hosting it’s not unusual to have a mix of people. You chose not to invite them- for whatever reason you didn’t want them mixing with your new friends. Fine, but you were v unreasonable to not clarify your plans with them the minute you knew you weren’t spending with them. You left them hanging.

I don’t see why it wouldn’t have worked. It’s possible to have a gathering where you invite a group who know each other and one other couple who don’t (yet) know the other people. That’s one of the ways people make new friends isn’t it? Obviously if someone else was hosting, it’s different.

But as PPs have said- it sounds like you didn’t communicate your plans to them in good time which has left them feeling understandably hurt.

I agree that you handled this terribly.

You didnt want to say no so you didnt say anything and allowed them to assume that the traditional get together was still happening.

Really shitty thing to do.

Well that was very rude and inconsiderate.

Perfectly fine to not do New Years with them but as you had a long standing commitment / tradition you should have told them as early as possible so that they knew what was happening and could make alternative plans.

Failing to see how you don’t understand their gripe really. You didn’t outright tell them you had other plans, you presumably just failed to turn up on the night and went somewhere else?? Your follow up suggests this happens, like they were expecting you because it’s tradition and you hadn’t cancelled but you didn’t show?

You’re unreasonable as you didn’t say anything to them. The right thing to do would have been to tell them you had plans this NYE. Not just avoid the conversation altogether. I can understand why they are hurt with the way it was handled.

I think you are awful.
You’ve dumped longstanding friends and a longstanding tradition for ‘new’ friends.
Shame on you.
I’ve taught my daughter that when you comitt to something you damn well do it-even if you do get a more exciting offer. If you didn’t want to spend NYE with them this year you should have told them!!
You felt awkward??
Are you 12?? It’s so nasty I can’t believe you are so blind and insensitive that you can’t see what you have done.
Frankly I hope your shiny new friends do the same to you.
You need to learn a lesson.

Yes this isn’t good behaviour to enemies never mind friends who you have shared new year with for several years. Also not confirming as you found it awkward. Then wonder why they are hurt. Better off finding new friends. Don’t understand why you couldn’t host everyone. My sister has this arrangement with her friends but this year they friends were invited to another party locally and they said to the hosting couple we usually see so in so. Anyway they joined them at the friends house .

Same, this happens to me a lot, I think largely as I am single and for some reason that's an issue for some of my friends when they want to hang out with their couple friends (not just two couples - understandable - but larger groups where apparently it's very important to be a couple!) It's really hurtful and cliquey IMO.

So you normally see this couple but when they mentioned it a few months ago, you and your DH felt too awkward to tell them it was off, leaving them to believe it would still be on as in previous years. Just because they didn’t mention it again, that doesn’t mean they’d expect it was cancelled as they mentioned it then and you couldn’t be bothered to be straight with them. I think you’re fine to change your mind and do something else but to know you’re not going ahead and not say something because it makes you feel awkward is stringing them along. You knew you’d made other plans but left them thinking they were seeing you.

So when did you actually tell them about your new plans?

You can absolutely spend NYE with whoever you like but, however you dress it up you ditched long standing loyal friends for new ones, which is cruel playground behaviour. A true friend would have included them and if you are honest it wasn't that you couldn't include them, you just didn't want to.

If she has any sense she will be giving you a wide berth from now on and if these new friends decide you are no longer flavour of the month, don't expect her to be there waiting for you. You behaved terribly and if you have any social awareness at all you will accept that.

I think you were rude and a bit underhand.

I'm in a similar position with some friends who we alternate hosting with for NYE for YEARS and for various reasons we will need to do something different this year. However it's January so I have a while to tell them and make the change!