Friend annoyed with me over NYE plans

[TraitorsSandwich]

interested in opinions on this one as now I’m questioning myself !!

For several years, me and DH have spent NYE with my friend and her husband, taking it in turns to host. They were always really keen to say how it was a nice ‘tradition’ etc and up until this year it had worked for us too.

However we have grown close to another group of friends & instead spent NYE with them - friend and her DH were on their own and friend has said to me that she’s upset we ditched them for our new friends.

WIBU ? I feel bad now that they were on their own but equally don’t agree that we should be forced into seeing them every NYs.

I think this is a reverse but either way, ditching the tradition without warning is unreasonable. Quite a shitty thing to do actually. Why not invite them along?

@TraitorsSandwich

YABVU to not tell your old friends (OF) immediately that you were making other plans when they mentioned that they were looking forward to hosting. That was incredibly rude and denied them the chance to make other plans. But I have a feeling your plans with new group weren't cemented then, so you were hedging your bets and keeping OF 'in reserve'. That's just plain selfish.

As far as including OF this NYE if you were hosting, you should have unless there was a good reason not to. And the only one I can think of would have been if they really wouldn't have 'meshed' with the new group, such as extreme political differences or perhaps the new group was 'rabid' about a certain sport and OF would have been bored to tears.

My parents hosted the same couple starting in the early 70s for NYE. And when they met a new couple and became friends with them during their travels they started including them. They were a jolly group of 8, then 6, then 4 (due to spousal deaths over the years) and continued on until my parents moved away in 1987.

But if you weren't hosting and were very new to the group, I can understand you not explaining 'the tradition' and politely asking if OF could attend. Otherwise, you should have asked.

You don't have to NYE with then forever, however if it is an established tradition it is awkward to break it unless you specifically told them about it.

We have had the same group for NYE since 2007 I think. If it just stopped without saying a word it would be more awkward than someone saying they made alternative plans. However, every now and people have brought their other friends. This year the host had also invited their friend couple.

My parents actually stopped their tradition NYE group thing a few years ago. They got together for nearly 40 years and then one year one of them suggested suggested maybe to get togehter some other time cause nobody wanted to stay awake till midnight anymore.

So all in all. Fine to stop the tradition but really depends how you went about it.

So basically, you’ve ditched your long time friends for people you want to be around more.

yabu tbh to make a post justifying and excusing your behaviour. It would be more respectable to just be honest. Just own it.

I feel for them, it’s never nice being ditched. Wish them friends who really do like them.

I think you’ve been very unkind OP no wonder your friends were upset. How would you have felt if they did that to you.
long lasting true friendship are very hard to find, good friends are there to be valued, not dropped when what looks like a better offer comes along!

Reverse of all reverses

I think the fact that you felt awkward speaks volumes. You should have been upfront.

Bollocks, of course you could have included them.

It was mean not to discuss it in plenty of time for them to arrange something else. You have the right to break a tradition if you want to, but your friends are bound to have feelings about it. You might have made the change more friendly by suggesting a new year's day lunch instead, or something in the weekend between Christmas and New Year.

If it was at your house or at an external venue you COULD have invited them too. You just couldnt be arsed. If it was at one of the new friends' homes, not so much. But regardless you should have warned them of your new plans months in advance. YABU.

Well thats a bit off tbh you ahould have beeb upfront at the time and gave them opportunity to make other plans rather than hanging on for your confirmation that never came.
Now I think you need to make it up to them.

Sounds like you didn't decline their invite and they assumed as you've done the same thing for several years you'd do the same. You should have politely declined months ago.

Did you host the new friends or go to someone else's house? If you have hosted the new friends and excluded your existing friends that is really off. Why can't you mix friendship groups? I've met plenty of friends who I have met through mutual friends.

Seems really mean. Not that you need to see them for the rest of your life but it would have been fair to have warned them in plenty of time for them to make other plans. You have shown them what you think of them.

We host NYE every year and a large group of friends come along. Some years some of them might be busy and can't come but they are always welcome. We often meet new people during the course of a year and we just invite them along too. You'd be surprised how well all the different groups of friends get along.

I can imagine that they would be upset or hurt.
Why didnt you let them know that you had other plans?

Oh FFS! They have every right to be annoyed with you, that was really shitty behaviour from you and your husband. You "felt awkward so we didn’t really say anything" - and let them think that the usual NYE was 'on'.

What you should have done was, months ago when they raised it with you, been honest and said something along the lines of 'well, we've been invited by A to join them and B, C, and D for NYE this year and we thought we'd try something different this year'.

Or, better still, when you accepted this other invitation you raised the matter with your friends about NYE, explaining you're changing it up this year.

Your friends would then have had MONTHS to make alternative plans, rather than finding themselves alone like a pair of fucking lepers.

That was really shitty of you, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

You and your dh are not much of a friend to these people. You should have told them but didnt. You could have invited them but didnt.

You handled it really, really badly and were weak, sneaky, cowardly and selfish. She has every right to be pissed off with you for that.

Not great behaviour towards your old friends - sounds like you’ve ditched them for your shiny new friends.

I think if you'd said at that point "actually this year we have other plans" they probably wouldn't have been so miffed in the event.

It seems you were too scared to be honest, and that's what has driven this problem.

I’m glad you’re not my friend. Regardless of how you’re trying to justify it, you did dump your longstanding friends for your shiny new toys

You handled it really poorly and were cowardly. You know you’re in the wrong so own it

Then you should have said to your friend when they asked about hosting "really sorry, we already have plans this year".

By ignoring their mention of hosting and making alternative plans without letting them know was exceptionally rude.

I appreciate that just because you've done it every year doesn't make it a guarantee, but when there's a history/tradition it's just good manners to let someone know if plans change.

You were rude.

Did you arrange anything instead, e.g a get together the following weekend? If not, why not?

Maybe you can make it up to her next time you see her at School x

You've both behaved pretty shady and badly OP. No wonder they're hurt.

I hope your new friendships are worth losing one