Am I and DH being unfair

[MumTeapot5]

New here.
As the title says, are we being unfair with eldest daughter, hear me out.
Family of 7, 2 adults, 3 children 4-14 and daughter 19 and her long term boyfriend of 5 years.
We moved into a new house mid 2025 as our old house was too small to fit our family in comfortably and we were looking actively anyway and our ideal house came on the market so we went ahead. My eldest daughter was given an upstairs bedroom of her own as each child was, but said she would rather have the downstairs bedroom (was previously a 2nd living room) for whatever reason that me and DH were going to have so all the kids were upstairs but we agreed and all went ahead and all seemed fine as she’s at an age were she could be trusted. That was my 1st mistake I guess, but I’ll come back to that.
My 2nd mistake was allowing her boyfriend to stay over a few nights a week now we had a bigger house and they have been together since they were 14 and in high school together on the agreement that she made sure any mess they made or any washing of his she was to do with her own and they tidy up after themselves.
So back to my first mistake, as I said she has the downstairs bedroom. This room has its own door off the hallway and one of the walls separate the dining room at the back of house. The first few weeks nothing was ever said but the past few weeks she keeps moaning that we are waking her up on a weekend. Now I’d understand if it was really early but she said we never get a lie in past lunch time ( I kid you not ) 🫠 her reasons to this are a list. So she or her boyfriend hears the youngest playing downstairs or singing along to songs that she likes, be that in the living room or dining room when I’m in the kitchen. She hears the noise in the kitchen from cooking/turning on the washer/drier/unloading dishwasher or whatnot. She hears people walking past her room in the hallway, she hears the dog bark etc. Now by no mean are we the quietest family ever but our other children are not elephants that stomp around or are overly loud. Myself and DH have spoken to her about how she can’t expect us all to whisper and tip toe around until gone lunchtime on a weekend especially if we are going out somewhere and getting sorted as we work full time and the dog is a dog and occasionally barks 🤷🏼‍♀️ we have offered to change rooms so she could be upstairs but she said that would be worse as our teen son likes to watch TV or play on his Xbox in his room occasionally and our other teen daughter is always chatting to her friends if we are having a chilled weekend. We tend to hear them from around 10ish but like I said they are not loud or causing a disturbance.
2nd mistake was allowing the boyfriend to stay over. As I said it was agreed that if they tidy up after themselves and do their own washing and she pays keep then we wouldn’t have an issue. I’d say in the last 5 weeks so before Xmas I have been getting up to dishes being left from them cooking if they didn’t want the same meals as us, wet washing in the machine if she’s used it at night, which I will hang up or pop in the tumble drier so I can do our washing, then she moans that her boyfriend says that he feels weird that me or DH are touching his socks/underwear etc. Bear in mind I have a teen son and a husband whose pants we wash and get out to dry regular. I’ve told her if he feels weird then they either wait for their washing to be done and hang it out or move to the drier once the cycle is done or he bags it up and he can do it on the days he is at his home as it’s not like I stand there looking at his pants and socks and judging them 🙈 I just take them out and pop them in the drier. They are being sloppy and not tidying up in general and I am starting to loose my patience.
We told her in December while it was Xmas not to stress to much about paying keep as we knew she was buying presents etc and going out with friends for meals/drinks so thought we was being nice. She’s now turned around last night and said £30 a week isn’t fair of us to ask from her (she works full time and does overtime occasionally) and we told her that £30 is fair as she’s eating the food we buy, using electricity/gas/broadband/household supplies etc. She’s stormed off into her room last night and said we are unfair and she won’t be paying us £30 anymore she will pay £15.
Just looking for some advice really to see if we are being awful parents setting certain rules and charging her keep? Also how would you tell your child if they don’t pay the £30 then they will have to buy their own food etc. Obviously we can’t stop her using the shower etc but she seems to have become very entitled lately since we moved. I’m seriously considering telling her that her boyfriend is no longer welcome to stay overnight anymore.
Sorry it’s been very long winded but thought it would be best to put the facts down as they are x

Agree with this 💯
And if she doesn't like the hoover going on at 10am downstairs, she can always move her bedroom, back up, to upstairs! 😉

I dont think the hoover going on at 10am is an issue, if it wakes her up then tough but forcing her to get up at 10am seems unfair, perhaps a bit spiteful just coz they can 🤷‍♀️

It’s not out of spite at all, she has the downstairs bedroom after declining an upstairs bedroom when we moved and obviously didn’t think about the family noise on a weekend with other children and general noise. As I said if she had been out with friends to town etc I’d leave her be in bed but when she was laying there and I was cleaning up her mess from the night before or trying to unload the washing machine of hers and her boyfriends clothes then I had a right to be annoyed. She also moaned that general noise was waking her up and basically expected me not to do ‘loud’ housework and for the youngest to be quiet so she could lie in her bed till lunchtime or later, hence the reason I told her to be up at 10 to help out and live in the real world or stay with her boyfriend (who’s parents said if they stayed there they wanted £150 a week from them both even if they split time between both houses or they could rent a room in a shared house) as I would be doing housework and wouldn’t be worrying about making a noise or trying to be quiet about it after 10am.
I will give her credit where it’s due that she actually did get up on her own at the weekend and has set up a standing order for each Monday to pay board. I did have a slight change of heart and said if she eats the same meal as the family that £100 would include that but if she wanted something different she would be buying that food/ingredients herself. Her boyfriend is staying on Saturdays and he has been told that his washing is to be taken home with him and if they make a mess they clean it up before heading to bed.
All in all in the past week I see that DH and I had been way to soft and things needed to change to mould her further ready for the real world, so far things are going great and the atmosphere in the home has become much more pleasant

With regards to her having to get up at 10am, @MumTeapot5 -the only thing I would suggest is that you tell her that, if she wants to sleep in past 10am, she can’t complain about normal household noise - that seems like a reasonable compromise to me.

I think you have been more than reasonable.
She was extremely disrespectful and as for that boyfriend 🙄.
HIS parents clearly have the measure of them both and weren't going to allow them and their house to be used.

My son was stunned when he moved out at 24 and the penny dropped at how expensive life was and his graduate salary of 40k was competitive in his year.
It is expensive to rent and pay your own bills.

The upside is you are dealing with the real world.
Getting married or moving straight in with someone straight from home is an awful shock if you have been like royalty paying peppercorn rents at home.
My son pays 1,500 a month for a shared apartment including utilities etc.
He loves it, but it is expensive.

If he was living at home I would definitely be taking a fair rent, (would save it quietly as friends do), because the shock of having a large disposable income suddenly taken away from you when you eventually move out, is not doing any young adult a favour.

I know this from friends whose kids were away every other weekend, constant trips, eating out, spending constantly online, whilst paying £50 a week living in an urban setting.

They couldn't believe the reality of living in a shared house at 27/28 and wanted to return home after 6 months.
They all have reasonable salaries.

Its another part of helping them grow up.
I remember eating rice and tinned tomatoes for 🤢 the last 3 days of one month as that was all I had in the cupboard having over spent, age 21.

I learnt the importance of budgeting quickly enough and I made sure I had more food bought for the end of the month next time!

The OP is doing her child a favour by getting real.

Overall I agree with you, and definitely agree she shouldn't be moaning if you're noisy esp when she has chosen to stay downstairs. I just found it odd to say she had to be up at 10 rather than just saying tough, deal with noise if you choose to sleep downstairs.

"... or stay with her boyfriend (who’s parents said if they stayed there they wanted £150 a week from them both even if they split time between both houses or they could rent a room in a shared house)"

Sounds as if DD's boyfriend's parents got a shock when their son stopped spending 5 days/week at yours, and immediately manned the barricades to stop them flipping this around to spend 5 days/week at theirs, and expecting it for free. I wonder if this is behind your daughter realising what a good deal she has by staying at home?