Have I ruined everything

[theheckisgoingon28]

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP i think it sounds like you have turned a corner. It does sound like you have had an incredibly hard life.

Stay strong and enjoy the time on your own with your DD and your dog.

I think you can do it OP
Changing your number is a big positive step

It will feel wierd and you will feel lost because you are so used to spending so much of your time thinking about him - what he is doing/saying/said etc and wondering about what he will think/do before anything YOU do.

It feels kind of empty when you start to pull away from that as your brain doesnt know where to go, but get yourself some good films/TV to watch, or think about things you want to do to try to fill that empty space - things that make you feel good, especially remember things that you like about yourself that have nothing to do with any man.

Have you thought about what to do if he comes round, especially if he knows you are alone this week - are there friends you can invite round. Do you have a chain on your door - does he have any keys - do you need to change locks. Do you have a ring doorbell.

IF he comes do not open the door under any circumstances. Tell him clearly that you have broken up, you dont want him to contact you and if he attempts to by any means then you will report him to the police for harassment and stalking. Record yourself telling him this and tell him you are reporting him. Do not get dragged into any conversation AT ALL beyond this - say nothing more. If he continues to plead/threaten/ claims he will kill himself, tell him you are calling the police now, do so, and step away from yopur door.

and sign up to do the freedom programme. In person preferably but if not do it online

Well today took a crap turn . On my way home from work . He knows my times obviously and where I will be driving . He was driving down . I didn’t look up just kept looking foward . Got in my street went to turn around to park and I see his van coming down the hill so I drove off to the street below me. Hes beeping and follows me and blocks me in . Keeps shouting for me to undo my window . I don’t . He drives closer to either block me in more or to get face to face with me . I fit through the gap and drive off

I go around where I live then back to my house . Hes parked outside ! So I drive past and drive around from where I live for 45 minutes. Text my neighbour if he has gone she said yes .

I get in and hes left a note on my passage door . Not shocking mind because he will not be sorry at all or even acknowledge why iv blocked him ect . The note was long but it was mainly je doesnt know why iv ignored him all this time . Actually he does . It’s because iv gone out in the weekend and slept with Someone else . And to tell him it’s over and he will leave me alone for good . I feel really anxious again. But will still be staying strong and not going through this time and time again

I think I'd actually tell that to the police because what he's done is dangerous and pretty much a crime. Using a car like that is wrong. He's harassing you

They'll go and speak to him.

Have you not told him it's over then?

Tell him and tell him that any further contact from him will constitute harassment and you'll.be contacting the police.

And then do it.

If you've already told.him it's over. Contact the police anyway.

Report this to the police, OP. He sounds utterly mental and scary.

Well if you didn't actually tell him during your phone call on friday that it was over then he's going to keep hounding you until he hears it from you, so you should probably do that. Otherwise he'll be convinced you are just having a sulk and trying to teach him a lesson until he's heard the words 'it's over'. So send him one last, very clear message, via whichever means is safest then block him on every single thing and make sure all your settings are on private for FB etc.

Don't get into a long drawn out debate over it, DO NOT agree to speak to him in person or on the phone, do not apologise. Just:

I've realised I am finally done with this. We clearly want very different things from life, so you are now free to behave exactly as you like without having to answer to me. There is absolutely nothing to be discussed or worked out between us and I will not change my mind. Now you've heard me say it, please respect it and leave me alone. If you turn up at my house or work, follow me in my car or harrass me in any way I will go to the police and take out a restraining order.'

Then block him immediately and do not give him a chance to open up a conversation or to cry or beg.

If you have any stuff of his at yours, leave it on his doorstep when he's at work. If he has any stuff of yours, consider it a small price to pay to lose it, if it means you never need to set foot in his house or speak to him again.

Stay strong, OP, don't crack. You can do this and it is the right thing to do.

"The note was long but it was mainly je doesnt know why iv ignored him all this time . Actually he does . It’s because iv gone out in the weekend and slept with Someone else"

This is absolutely batshit crazy. He is mental.

He is not a prince, he's not even a frog, he's a toad. Boot him back into the swamp.

This is harassment. Tell the police. Hopefully they will inform him to stop doing it. Contact a domestic abuse organisation for support.

Dear God. Porn or not is not the main issue here. He's a revolting person and you need to get the fuck away from him. Don't engage in endless discussion, he will twist anything you say and convince you you're being unreasonable. You're not. Anyone would feel like shit in this situation. This is not a relationship. This is not OK. Ugh.

Gross 🤮

I felt gross just reading this thread. What a shitty life some people live. By their own volition

Him being shit in bed is reason enough to dump him

Him secretly watching porn whilst having sex with you is reason enough to dump jom

Him sending you unsolicited videos of him wanking is grim and is reason enough to dump him

The drug stuff is reason enough to dump him regardless of what he is or isn’t taking - at some point the shadiness, bullshit excuses and lies are worse than the drug use.

It has been 2 years, you are meant to still be in the honeymoon phase. This is literally as good as this relationship is going to get, and it sounds like absolute shit.

I agree with all the other posts on here TELL HIM your relationship (if you can call it that) is over and follow the good advice given to you by other mumsnetters today.

hi so obviously I didn’t text him off my new number . I reactivated my Facebook messanger , unblocked him and sent him a message saying I didnt leave my house apart from walking the dog over the weekend . And explained it was because of what he did Friday when all I wanted to do was make it nice for him . Also said a few other things regarding the way he treats me . I confirmed it was over and wished him well. I can’t block him for a few days on there now so I just deactivated again until I can. My friend messaged me last night and said he still has our photo together on his profile photo. I know there is no other reason for him doing this other than to make people think we are still together so I don’t go out and sleep with anyone else . Id never do that anyways . Thats not who I am and even if I was single for a long time still wouldn’t do it . Iv woke up feeling extremely anxious today . Missing him, and having stupid thoughts of him moving on and having a good life with out me . The life I always wanted for him/us. Before I met him he was in a huge rut. Drank numerous cans every night , hardly go to work. Would smoke weed 24/7 and do coke on his own in his house in the week too. He wasn’t getting anywhere with work and was always skint because he would spend what he had on drink and drugs and like I said would be so off it or depressed the next morning he wouldn’t get up for work . I came along and did change all this to an extent. At the start for months I would be going up his to wake him up to go to work because he wouldn’t be getting up . He’d go in late but at least he would go . Now he doesn’t miss a day . He has enrolled in a course he has always wanted to do but didnt have the motivation to do . It’s going to take him 3 years to do. I hope he will stick to it still. I have mixed feelings . All I want is for him to have the life that deep down I know he deserves and wants . Then it scares me that I have ruined my self getting him better and hes going to be living this life with out me . Why am I thinking like this now . I was doing so good up until that note yesterday. I think it’s because I honestly thought him following me and stopping me in his van was to apologise . And then when I read the note it was just because he thinks I slept with someone else and doesn’t even care what he did Friday because I know for a fact he doesn’t think he done anything wrong and that hurts so much .

Please please stay strong and don't let him back in. It will get easier the longer you're free of him I promise. I can also promise that if you go back to him it won't get any better - you can't fix his issues, and he doesn't want to fix his issues. Much easier to be abusive to you....

Thankyou very much op . As we all know I am my own worst enemy a lot of the time with over thinking. I do come back om here and read what people have sad to me and it does make me feel like I can do it this time . I feel 80 percent stronger than I have at any other time going through this . I just know that this will be my life constantly if I go back and all I want to be is happy .

Following you around is part of his controlling behaviour he doesn't love you. He can't understand why you are not jumping to his command as you used to You tried to save him in the past he just abused you in many ways. People can only save themselves Stay strong and safe because he may try to follow you again. You could report this to the Police if is stalking you.

@theheckisgoingon28 you cannot fix, change or save this man and you shouldn’t waste any more time on him. He doesn’t care about you, he only cares about controlling you.

None of the behaviour he’s shown is new, the drinking, drug taking, self-destructive behaviour was there from day one so why did you even give him a second look?!? He’s been nothing but awful from the start and has got progressively worse in his behaviour towards you. Ultimately he will move on to some other poor woman with low self-esteem who thinks she can ‘fix’ or ‘save’ him but it will be the same thing over again, all you can do is make sure it’s not still you.

Find a therapist, identify your trauma and deal with it, otherwise you’ll end up in the same situation with another repulsive deadbeat in a few months. Also when people warn you off dating someone new, please listen, they aren’t doing it for any reason than to help protect you from harm.

Please just stop all contact with him, block him on everything. I would say report to the Police, but I doubt you will. I really hope you confide with your daughter when she returns, you really need someone in real life you tell you face to face that you need to stay well away from any contact with him. Changing number is good, but you may need to do more, just don’t engage with him.

Here we go again, back to square one, round and round and round in circles. All it will take is him giving her a wink and a pretend sorry and she'll be straight back into his bed.
The OP doesn't listen to all of this excellent sound advice!
She's STILL caring more about this abusive piece of sh*t than herself or her own daughter. There's literally NO getting through to her....
It's gross and continues to make me feel sick listening to how much she talks and cares about him...
I fear for her life and don't know what it will take to get through to her, it's horrific to witness :-(