Have I ruined everything

[theheckisgoingon28]

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

Good for you, OP. That was so brave.

You're going to feel lost and sad and traumatised and probably just really shit for who knows how long. Just don't cave and go back to him. It will only make it harder and he will become more abusive the next time around.

Keep doing what you're doing, fill your life with good things and people. And keep coming back to this thread for support or if you feel yourself weakening.

sorry I didnt mean to press send. Out of everything he has done this is what finally made me realise I can’t do it to myself anymore .

my daughter and her bf have gone on holiday. We have never experienced normality of living together because of his dog and the fact he hasn’t got much of a house left because of them so it’s just sat in the bedroom 24/7. Now Im used to eating at a table , cooking together, snuggling up on the sofa with munch and maybe a glass of wine watching films them falling asleep ect . Just all that iv always missed . So with my daughter being away i was so excited and wanted to make everything perfect for him to stay with me for a week . I cleaned the whole house , done a huge food and munch shop , bought candles ,
flowers , and the plan was he would come down from work shower , chill out id make food , we would eat at the table . Then sofa for films and loads of crap food. I was going to do him a nice breakfast in the morning and we were going to make cakes .

this was planned the whole week leading up until Friday . Friday came and for some reason I had a feeling that it was going to be ruined . He phoned me at 4 said he won’t be long in work and he will walk the dog with me . He said twenty mins tops . I didn’t hear off him . This was an hour now. I phoned him . His phone was off . He phones ke back 40 mins later saying his battery had died and hes gone to take his boss somewhere which is 45 mins away from where we live and where he was working . Fair enough . Another hour goes by i phone him . There’s a pub on a mountain where we live but also a route to get to where he lives . He said hes in that mountain and won’t be long. This is when I knew he would be going to the pub . I didn’t phone him an hour went by again. Just like all the other times before where he has gone out not told me and I havnt heard off him u til the next day I thought it was going to be like that. He eventually phones me. And I can tell by his voice he’s been drinking . This is now nearly 4 hours late. He said dont moan now iv been for a drink . We got another bottle to take with us and I got to take my boss somewhere else and il phine you. I asked if he had done coke because it’s with the one hes wirh now who he does it with all the time . He flips out and says no. Said iv ruined the night by asking him. I only asked because that’s what happens every time . I felt bad for asking and it made me anxious because at that point I knew I ruined the rest of the night .
i waited an hour still nothing , I phoned him nothing . So I thought it go drive past where he said hes pricing up a job with his boss .
well they were there sitting in the van drinking cans . He sees my car and phones me . And hes steaming . Said it’s my fault hes drunk . Asking him
if he had took
coke . He was shouting . Just blaming me for ruining the night . Said he was still going to come down . This was 8 now. I said to him I just wanted him come down , normal . Not drunk as usual jusy normal . He makes me anxious when he’s drunk too because of the way he gets aggressive . He said for me to shut up and he woudl
phome me straight back . He didn’t . I phoned him at 9. He was still drinking and sniffing with his boss . And how I know he was sniffing is because when he’s drunk hes gone . No way could he text me normally . He text me at half 11 blaming me but it was all too perfect . Then sent me sad songs . I didn’t open them . I was in such a state that night that something clicked and I can’t do this anymore .

Thankyou ❤️ my daughter has gone on holidays . She will be back next week . I havnt text her anything because I just want her and her partner to enjoy their time away . Oddly I can handle the way I feel a lot better when im
on my own . But im going to get out of bed because my dog is having a meltdown because he wants to go out ha ha . I did want to take him
to the beach again today but when I cleaned it yesterday I noticed hes mad a little hole in the back seat . Hes a huge dog and there is nothing I buy or do that keeps his back feet from going through . So I think a long local mountain walk will have to do today

I thought you’d broken up with him? Why was he coming round if you’d cut him out?

Anyway, glad you seem to have found some strength and ended it. Don’t take him back… he will do the same thing over and over and over again for the next 10,20, 30 years until his drinking kills him.

Enjoy your walk.

Oh good god OP! I was so pleased seeing your update and everyone starting to encourage and congratulate you and I thought thank goodness you've finally listened and got rid of this vile creature in your life. But you didn't listen!!! I've just seen your latest 2 posts...

For crying out loud, it actually makes me feel sick reading all the nice things you were planning to do for him! I'm sorry but it's time to be cruel to be kind to you.
I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this, I feel desperately desperately sorry for you and understand you're trauma bonded and destroyed mentally and emotionally by this disgusting abusive man and your past. But honestly I don't think any other thread has wound me up as much as this one.
I don't post at all on MN usually but I am so horrified by this that I feel compelled to.
I actually don't know what to say to you as I am so angry for you that what I want to say would probably sound abusive!
The only thing I can think of is do it for your daughter!!!
Show her this is not acceptable and no woman on earth should be wanting to be with a man who behaves like this!
OP, I'm actually so wound up I think I'll have to finish my post here.
I literally am praying for you that you don't contact him again....

So you haven't done it then? You're going to keep repeating this destructive cycle till your daughter gets fed up of having to listen to and see the horrible way you're treated, and you end up never seeing her.

I had to stop posting early on and even reading because I just knew this would be how this would go.

what an absolute waste of your life. One day you’re going to be reflecting on your life and realise how this was the moment you chose this pitiful excuse of a man over yourself, your happiness and your life’s enjoyment.

He’s drinking heavily, sniffing cocaine and driving?

OMG I’d be reporting him to the police!
If he’s taken into custody the RSPCA will retrieve his poor dog.

i waited an hour still nothing , I phoned him nothing . So I thought it go drive past where he said hes pricing up a job with his boss

Insane behaviour. Over and Out.

And her daughter who must be thoroughly sick of all this

Well that was confusing!

So Friday evening you were still phoning & hoping he would come & stay with you?

Even when he was pissing you about?

And he just didn't come round & blamed you rather than you actually telling him to piss off?

And he's still contacting you?

i’m totally un surprised, but very sad to see your latest updates which I’m sure won’t be the last. I assume you haven’t contacted women’s aid or looked into the freedom program yet? OP I’m not posting again as I can sadly see your not ready to properly disengage and this cycle will only continue u til you can see him for what he really is. It’s really sad to read but I mainly feel sorry for your poor daughter having to watch her mum self-destruct with this loser.

I really hope to see an update one day when he is properly out of your life and you are happily on your own and rebuilding your life.

OP, abused women take years to find help. Because it's like this, it's so hard for you.

Please look at some information from places like Women's Aid or Refuge. Maybe speak to someone. You need to leave him.

To misquote "Game of Thrones", if you think this is going to have a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.

Please find someone to support you and leave this toxic relationship. Everyone involved, even him, will be better off.

Hi Im still staying strong . I stupidly took him back because of fake sorries . But I can promise you there won’t be anymore updates of any of this crap any more . The state i was in Friday . I never want to feel like that again . And I know he is not ever going to change . And I can’t do this anymore

I'm sure you've said that before...

Hi op i was stupidly thinking things could be better but obviously I was just stupid . I have blocked him but he had an app on his phone which lets him contact you reguardless if hes blocked or not . I read the first bit of a message he sent today and deleted it before I read the rest . But it started . I bet you shaved your minge. And went out shagging last night .

I have . But the difference is how I feel . So this is all new for me

That's good, make sure you keep hold of that feeling, and reach out to somewhere like Womens Aid or a local womens charity to support you.

You’re doing well and the Mumsnetters are here for you. Work on getting real life support: Freedom programme, Women’s Aid, friends you trust. I recommend the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube as well. She gives a lot of practical adviceX

Hi @theheckisgoingon28

Just in case you start to doubt yourself I want to point out some things for you:

You could be absolutely fine and accepting of the porn, the wanking and disappointing sex.

You could be absolutely fine with him taking drugs, drinking and going out.

You could be absolutely fine about him constantly letting you down.

You could literally never make any complaint or any comment on any of the above and be nothing but sweet and this man would still find reason to argue, put you down, shout you down, be aggressive, unaffectionate and god only knows what else. He will find reason to abuse you, because that’s what he is, he is a liar and abuser and seeks nothing but a victim. He doesn’t want a happy, warm, loving respectful relationship, he wants conflict, he wants arguments, he wants drama, he wants abuse - HE WANTS TO ABUSE YOU!!

He is an ADDICT and nothing you can ever do or say will make him choose you over his numerous addictions.

You could be perfect in every single way and none of it would make a difference, all this man wants to do is tear you down and take you down with him. He does not love you, he does not care for you no matter what empty promises he might make. You exist in his world, but he doesn’t exist in yours and the only reason you exist in his at all is because it’s provides him with the attention and the conflict which he desires.

This man is nothing but a liar and an addict, he will never stop the porn, the drugs or the abuse. He cannot love you and treat you as you deserve to be treated, he isn’t capable of it and simply does not know how.

Please stay strong, please don’t let this man continue to abuse you and make your doubt your own reality.

You deserve someone who will truly love and care for you, who will comfort you when you cry and hold you when you are sad, who will be respectful and truthful, who wants to build a genuine relationship. You deserve all those things and more.

Do the freedom program it’s excellent, get some therapy and work on making yourself happy. Stay strong, you can do it!!! 💐

..."cleaned the whole house , done a huge food and munch shop , bought candles ,
flowers , and the plan was he would come down from work shower , chill out id make food , we would eat at the table . Then sofa for films and loads of crap food. I was going to do him a nice breakfast in the morning and we were going to make cakes."

You are a nice, kind and thoughtful person. I don't do this for my husband of 30+ years. And you deserve someone who would do this for you.

This man is not who you deserve. He does not love you or even seem to care about you.

Please dig deep and leave him in your past. You are worth so much more. Do it for yourself, you deserve kindness and happiness too.

He sounds absolutely vile.

You need to work on your self esteem OP - I feel very sorry for your dd too, it must be awful for her to see her dm being abused like this.

What a sorry tale this is, with no happy ending eventually I suspect

Just dire for the daughter and all she’s known for years probably, as I can’t see previous boyfriends of the OP would have been particularly great either

Keep strong. You've made a good start.
He's disgusting.