Have I ruined everything

[theheckisgoingon28]

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

No more contact with him, OP. You don't need to explain anything to him. You're just giving him more chances to get to you.

Tell your friend you don't need updates about his facebook status, either.

You'll never change him. He will never be the person you want him to be. He won't be it for you and he won't be it for anyone else either. He might put on a front for a few months to make you think he's changed his life, maybe to make a new gf think he's sorted himself out. But you know and we all know he's never going to actually change. He's not a good man and he's not capable of being a good partner.

Please just remember that wonderful feeling of freedom that you had and the sense that finally your life is your own. Don't go back. It will be so much harder the next time you try to leave.

I really needed to hear this . Thankyou . I really mean that . You are right. Il never get back with him and even tho I am having more moments of feeling free after yesterdays note on my door Im having moments of thinking about him moving on ect . I don’t know if that’s normal or me just being controlling . But this is the first time where I know 100 percent I won’t be going back . I was thinking how I literally could never ever feel the same way about him , i have lost love for him . I know a few months from now everything will be a lot better for me . Im going to start putting money aside every month and go on a holiday with my dog soon. Im going to start doing what I did before I met him. I didn’t have much of a life before him mind lol. I lived and live for my dog so all my spare time was and is taking him to different places

So he said 'just tell me it's over and that's it it will be over'

And instead you sent him a long lengthy message explaining that you hadn't slept with someone else, told him what you had planned for that Friday night, explained how disappointed you feel and how he makes you feel and THEN told him it was over.

And now you're mooning over him again.

What the fuck are you doing OP? You had your opportunity right there, he gave it you on a silver platter but you are more interested in giving him an opportunity to get back in.

He won't apologise because he doesn't love you or care what you think, you are a convenience to him, he may apologise to get back in your good books, but you would be an IDIOT to fall for it. You need to tell your daughter the whole story and see what advice she gives you.. there is a reason you haven't told anyone about this in real life, it's time to hear the truth from a real person IMO.

No , he wrote a whole essay on a large piece of paper . I didn’t put everything he said down but I answered everything on there . He asked why I was ignoring him , so I told him, then said i was ignoring him because I had been out all weekend shagging . Hate that word so sorry . Then wrote loads more then said if it’s over tell me il leave you alone . I did write a bit too much but I’m sick of him always turning things around to make everything everyone else’s fault .

Also I know he won’t apologise. I got a feeling he knows this time i have had enough . Me changing my number has made him realise this and also the fact that yesterday is the first time I have ever done what he has done to me numerous times and thats ignore him and drive off .

You're just going to have to accept that he will tell himself/you/other people lies about the situation.

He is doing it deliberately to trigger a response from you.

He says, you've slept with someone else. So you defend yourself, and the next thing you know, you're in a conversation with him. That's a door open to him. That's how he starts worming his way back in.

Just do not respond. To anything. Let him post on his facebook that you've slept with all his mates. Whatever. He's mental. No one who cares about you cares about what he thinks or says. You shouldn't care either.

He's doing it to get a reaction. Stop reacting. Just keep him blocked.

Who cares? He wont apologise - so what?

Your objective is to get him out of your life.

Youve told him so now no more contact initiated by you.

If he contacts you send nothing more than

"Hi Mark,
Again...To be really clear we are broken up. I dont want contact with you. Any further contact will be considered harassment and will be reported".

Separately,
Stay single and get some good therapy ....

Can you not see that him asking you questions and you answering everything so thoroughly.. he is still controlling you and you are still ALLOWING yourself to be controlled.. he wants you to interact with him, as he knows from experience that is his way back in and you have dutifully complied, he's thrown (completely baseless) accusations at you and you have fallen over yourself to justify and explain yourself, when actually you should be furious at the implication and refuse to engage.

You could and SHOULD have just answered his last statement. It's over.

If you needed to elaborate you could have said, "you don't bring anything positive to my life, it's over"

That is why you are spinning now, because unconsciously, by responding and justifying, you have started the same old dance of letting him back in, and now you're wondering 'what if', it's the next part of the dance, he'll fake being a decent person and you'll fall for it yet again, like a mug.

The only 'what if' you should be thinking about is what you life will be like without him in it.

@theheckisgoingon28

If you do what you've always done, you will get what you always get.

Time for a change. Put the bins out and him with them. Rubbish that's not a part of your life anymore. Don't give him a second thought.

Stay strong and focused on you and your goals. Why not go away on a day trip with the dog this weekend? Where could you go? Think about that instead.

If he contacts you don’t reply. You don’t need to explain yourself to him. No matter what you say you can’t make him understand. If he contacts you with anything sexual or threats, call the police and do that every single time. If he follows you or waits outside your house, call the police. Look after yourself and your dog. Your ex boyfriend is an abusive drug, alcohol and porn addict. You cannot change him or make him better.

But why do you care what he thinks of you? Or whether he believes you slept around? Or whether he accepts your justifications?

Just leave it.

I think you confuse having healthy boundaries with 'you being controlling'

But thats something you can work on in the freedom programme. Please Please do that.

and agree with telling all that you are over, and you dont want to hear anything about him - he will use them to get to you, to try to force a reaction - try to pre-empt this.

Also dont think about asking any messages/info to be passed to him via friends - just try try try not to speak to them about him at all, nothing. Yopu want to create the new habit where he is out of your head and you replace thoughts about him with thoughts about other, more positive thoughts. It is going to be hard, and you will fail at times, but its the result of the conditioning he has done to make him always the centre of your every thought and action. If you start to begin to think about anything to do with him and the relationship - even if its about your role in it, or thingsd you did or said, shout 'NO>STOP' loudly in your head and make a big effort to change thoughts. Have something stupid thatmakes you laugh to think about instead, just to divert your mind from that pathway.

Now also be prepared, and this is why you need to be ready to call the police if he comes knocking.

He will try every technique to find your weak spot - to find the angle that will make you cave and give him a way in. That is why its best if he cannot speak to you at all and you must not listen to him - EVEN AT THE COST OF DEFENDING /EXPLAINING YOURSELF. - that is one of your vunerabilities - explaining and trying to prove you are right/didnt do what he said/ arent what he says. IT DOES NOT MATTER what he thinks or what he says about you any more. You dont need to prove anything to him. It is just a technique to draw you in.

If he comes to your house you must tell him, before he starts, through the door (dont open it) that its over, he must leave or you will call the police. And then leave the front door and get so far away in your home that you cannot hear him - put on the TV/radio to block his voice, and ifg after 5 mins he has not gone, call the police.

Because if he can he will

1. promise anything - especially the thing that is your dream
2. get angry and threaten
3. cry and act pathetic and say yopu are the only one who can save him
4. telll you how awful you are and how he is going to tell everyone everything
5. say he cant live without you and that he is going to kill himself
6. say how much he loves you and what a mistake he made
7. etc,etc,etc

none is true. all of it ios to get that metaphoricaal foot in the door, and soon it will be back to the same.

Let's be real. He's not going to be living the life you wanted with someone else, is he? He has had all the chances in the world to be that man for you and he can't. He can't because he doesn't really want to, basically. He is STILL taking cans of booze and driving up mountains to get pissed. He's STILL doing coke and weed. He's still choosing getting wasted over spending time with you. Okay so perhaps he goes to work a bit more reliably than he did, but he's still a shit show of a human being and a horrible, selfish partner. You haven't cured him. He's not going to suddenly turn into a prince for the next poor mug who takes him on.

Like I said in my previous post, you have put years of hard graft into trying to mould him into the man you wish he was, instead of just looking at the man he is and saying 'Nope. I need better than you.' and moving on.

Even now, the way you talk about him makes him sound like a failed social work project. A charity case you took on. By the sounds of things he's actually a better, more functional man now than he used to be, thanks to you, and yet he's still so monumentally fucking awful. It defies belief that any sane woman would choose to put all this effort into one man who had absolutely NOTHING going for him from the beginning and in spite of all these apparent improvements, you still have so little to show for it. You really need to ask yourself WHY you thought any of this was ever a good use of your time and energy.

OP, he doesn’t want any of that. You want that. He wants to go back to sitting at home, skipping work and taking drugs. That is the real him. The other stuff was you nagging him.

Op Thankyou for this i really needed to hear that right now . Iv had my first awful night since Friday . Just been crying most of the night missing him . I know how stupid and pathetic that sounds but I keep drumming it in my head that he doesn’t care . He would always say no one has or will ever love me as much as him and oddly I believe it in his messed up kind of way . He just couldn’t escape from the life and the person who I know deep down he really wanted too. He thinks everything he does is normal and always has just because everyone he has ever had as friends are exactly the same and oddly every new friend he makes through work are exactly the same too . I don’t understand how everyone he comes across does the same as him. None of my friends are like it or even new people i meet at work ect . I keep having stupid thoughts of I wish he would just come down mine and say how sorry he is but I know he will never do that . Never . It was always me saying sorry for everything he did just because I didn’t want to be with out him. I will then have a few minutes of sense and drum
it into my head what exactly am I missing about him. The endless anxiety of what has he took today, is he taking drugs in work worrying about porn all the time .

oddly every new friend he makes through work are exactly the same too ..
He makes these friends because these are the people he likes. They like doing the same things as he does. They have similar interests and values to him.
People choose their friends. He does too.

OP, you're on a loop, round and round again. Give your head a wobble and realise that you haven't moved forwards at all!
You're literally admitting that if he apologises you'll jump straight back to him. Insanity!
A definition of insanity/madness is "repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".
Your behaviour and thinking is INSANE. Abused/manipulated/traumatised/conditioned - even if you are all of these things, you as a human being who has her own house and job can dig deep to find the emotional intelligence to listen to what EVERYONE is saying to you and stop this utterly insane behaviour.
No more excuses! Your destiny is in your hands, no-one else's....

You need to think of it like the alcohol/drugs/porn you hate so much and that he is addicted to.

When you’re addicted to something you want it more than anything and only having it will make you feel better. But you know it’s bad for you, you know it will hurt you and you know you should stop.

You are addicted to him and the high feeling you get when it’s good with him. You feel really low now because you’re doing what’s best for you and you’ve given him up and your whole body is aching for and chasing that high.

But you need to break the cycle. You need to remember that he’s bad for you and the further you get down the path of not allowing yourself the quick fix, the closer you get to not needing the fix at all

What do you want, OP?

His happiness or your happiness?
Stress worrying about him or relief, calm and freedom?
Endlessly chasing after him or time for you, your dog and your DD?

How do you want to feel and where do you want to be on 1st February 2026? Or 1st March 2026?

It's your choice. Letting go can be hard but you won't regret it. You can do it!

Thankyou so much op. Honestly you have made me feel so much better and make me think I can do this. I will do it this time . This is the strongest iv been . I know it doesn’t seem like . And also all the other times all I have wanted to do was see him and now when I think of it i dont want too . I can’t wait to get to the point where if he ever came in to my mind I’d feel nothing . I know it will happen. Another thing that is helping me too is thinking there are people going through far worse than me , in life , breakup wise too. So I shouldn’t be feeling like this .

Hi op. You’re so right . For a good two years I always blamed his friends , who he would meet in work for making him do drugs . Then a few months ago something registered in my head that it’s all him . Hes an old enough to make his own stupid decisions. No one forced him. It’s because he wanted too and in fact he has been the main instigator. Where people who he has started working with had to leave or their girlfriends would have left them. I can’t imagine him ever being friends with someone who isnt like him . When ever he meets up with his friends he does drugs every single time

I'm probably a bit sad but I've been thinking of you a lot and hoping you get through this. I've never been in your situation but your posts are so clear on how hard this has been for you. I do really believe you've got the strength to move on positively from these bad times though.

I think any sort of Women's Aid group near you would be helpful. Other people have mentioned the Freedom programme. Once you have got out of this, you do not want the same again with someone else! Learn how to value and cherish yourself.

Not just me but hundreds of women are behind you. Leave him behind all of us.

He just couldn’t escape from the life and the person who I know deep down he really wanted too.

this is just not true though.

You have fallen for the lie, that a womans love can save a fallen man.

That person you believe he can be doesnt exist, he is the man you would like him to be, which you have projected onto him, but the real him is the one he has been battling you to be - the one you dont like, but who wants to be and do the stuff you dont want him to.

IF he had problems, they would be up to him to fix, he would want to fix them, and he would want to want to fix them. But he doesnt. Fixing deep rooted problems is tough, horrible, and you have to face dark demons and accept responsibility for yourself. Most people dont do the work. But nobody can do the work for you or force you to do it.

Get away and work on your own demons, OP, so that any life you have in the future is a good one..

Also just FYI, OP means original poster - you are the OP @theheckisgoingon28

Other people are not OP so you don’t need to call them that on here.

He doesn't care about you, OP. He doesn't even really know you, does he? You don't share any interests, because all he's interested in is drink and drugs. You can't possibly have anything to talk about together. He's just another man who is wasting his life. He could choose differently, but he won't. He never will.

You are addicted to him, as a pp said. And it's hard and painful to end an addiction. But the only way to do it is to just do it. Every time you start thinking about him, or rather, every time you allow the self-doubt to come creeping back in, come back here and read this thread. Make a list of every time he let you down, lied, mistreated you. Make a list of everything you dislike about him.

Then make a list of everything you can do now you're free of him. Peaceful evenings with your dog. Choosing your own activities. Using your time how you please rather than waiting around for him. Taking a holiday. Reading a book. Picking up a hobby that you haven't done for a while because your head has been full of this idiot male.

It will probably take a bit of time but if you don't weaken - not one single drag! - then before you know it, you'll go whole days without even remembering he exists. And then you really will be free.