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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I ruined everything

531 replies

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP posts:
Cantbelieveit888 · 18/01/2026 21:33

Why do I feel this story isn’t real…. I feel like this is one big wind up yet compelled to continue reading… because if this is real….. it’s son incredibly sad….. and it’s history repeating itself…. I feel like the OP has lowest self esteem to let this cycle continue….

lauraloulou1 · 18/01/2026 22:05

OP I have read all your posts on this thread a few on your last one. It sounds like you really didnt have a good start in life and that has left you with some serious issues around self esteem and trust. I am also wondering are you a little addicted to Mumsmet and this AIBU thread - no shade, I have went through stages of this as well as its nice to get the concern of strangers particularly when suffering from loneliness and isolation. Are you self medicating yourself? I wonder, gently, what role you are playing in your own suffering. Are you a co dependent? Why is this bad bad man the key to your happiness? You are 38, have your own home, a beautiful daughter, a job, a dog. These are your blessings. You need to do the work to figure out why you go back, why you crave the drama, the highs the lows the abuse. You deserve happiness and this happiness lies in your hands. He has shown you what he is. Believe him. Get some help. The painful work of growing into a mature independent self healed woman is waiting for you. Find a womens circle, put your energy elsewhere - back into you. You have survived your life through amazing strength - use it now to break free and then stay single until you do the sober work. Good luck.

SimplyBedeviled · 18/01/2026 22:44

They’ll be back together by tomorrow….

NZDreaming · 18/01/2026 23:17

NZDreaming · 13/01/2026 08:20

@theheckisgoingon28 nothing anyone is saying seems to be getting through to you. No one thinks you are controlling/selfish/in the wrong, only that he is disgusting, cruel, abusive and manipulative, from our view he has no redeeming features. From the outside it seems absurd that you would stay with a man who causes you such grief and contributes nothing but misery and anxiety to your life, especially as there is no physical reason (shared children/home/finances) stopping you from ending this immediately.

Could you instead tell us 5 genuinely good things about your relationship with this man? Perhaps if you think about your relationship in these terms you might be able to realise that there really is no good reason to stay, as all the bad things you seem to want to defend or blame on yourself.

Try it, 5 genuinely good qualities about this man that make all of this worth it.

@theheckisgoingon28 ive never been in your situation so I can’t relate to the way you feel the need to keep returning to this awful situation and to be so convinced that it’s all your fault. The next time you feel the urge to contact this disgusting person please try the exercise I suggested - write down 5 genuinely good things about him. They have to be real things, not false promises or potential for what you think he might become. I really doubt you’d be able to come up with one and that really should tell you all you need to know.

NewGirlInTown · 19/01/2026 02:58

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:04

Hi Thankyou for your reply . We don’t live together because of his dog . She’s pretty disruptive. He has no living room left , if left unattended for even ten minutes she will destroy things . There’s no wall paper on the walls , no sofa left , shes had the internet box, main electric cable . A good thousand pounds worth of my things. I could go on and on . She has also attacked my boy ( dog) hes the love of my life ha ha. Just randomly will go for his face . She took a chunk out of it a few months ago . And I won’t even walk them together no more . Im a huge animal lover and iv got to hate his dog. And I have quite a bit of guilt over feeling that way . Because of how much I love animals . But it’s every single day even is shes been out non stop running for an hour . Like last night . He took her out running non stop . She gets in . And I put the tv on down stairs . Not even half hour later thr tv doesnt come on shes chewed all the wire. But I know I mention anxiety a lot but theres so much more going on . Iv actually changed my name to write this because of how embarrassed I feel. I find it all so draining . We live in his bedroom because of his dog . Been this way pretty much from day one . And then Im constantly back and forth between my house and his because I have to see my dog . And sort him out this could be up to 3-4 times a day . Up down up down . Im up at just gone 4 for work and im just constantly tired all the time then this added stress and worry all the time .

This sounds like a plot from Shameless!
Could he be more of a loser? Does he have a job?

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 05:15

Hi everyone Thankyou all for your comments. I have read every single one of them . And they helped me so much last night when I was feeling pretty low . I turned my phone off airplane mode for 5 minutes to text my daughter last night to see how she is enjoying her holiday and with him seconds i had another message , again from his fake app. This time tho no abuse . It was why are you still ignoring me?
man’s oddly just having that made me feel a bit better too because it made me think hes maybe realising Im serious this time . I would say maybe hes realised just a tiny bit how he’s treated me but that’s impossible with him unfortunately. I know loads will think and have said they will be back tomorrow. But when I say this is the first time I have ever felt like this about him Im serious . This is the first time iv not cared what he does when I have left . I have only left over drink drugs and porn in the past and I always have severe anxiety then when I am away because I know that he does it more when I leave . He blames me for it tho . Says he does it because I leave . But this time I have thought about it a few times and not one bit of me cares .
I honestly never want to speak to him or see him again. When we went away and he got drunk the other weekend and flipped out until early hours of the morning he said the next time we finish hes leaving for good to go a few hundred miles away . It petrified me. Now it doesn’t .
as for my daughter. She sees non of what goes on and I am always cheerful around her . I hate showing sadness in real life . Been brought up to think being sad is being weak.
also I don’t think Im addicted to this forum . But it’s the only place I can come to believe if it’s me whos causing all this because no one knows me and will tell me the truth . All I want is a peace full life . No drama just to be happy . And with him it was impossible. Crazy how everyone warned me about him when we first got together. Even a friend of his had my number off a friend of mine . Phoned me when I was in work and said how stupid i was said everything was going to happen just as it has. And that he will Ruin my life. He hasn’t done that and as from now Im going to forget he even existed . This is all crazy too me how I can feel like this . I feel free. But I didn’t think I’d ever be able to feel like this . Im scared this isnt going to last and im going to feel like I always have done in the next few days

OP posts:
Emilybemily8 · 19/01/2026 06:14

Cantbelieveit888 · 18/01/2026 21:33

Why do I feel this story isn’t real…. I feel like this is one big wind up yet compelled to continue reading… because if this is real….. it’s son incredibly sad….. and it’s history repeating itself…. I feel like the OP has lowest self esteem to let this cycle continue….

I think it’s real
I think the Op has serious mental health issue and is a chronic attention seeker as well

I think her daughter has probably had a very unstable childhood

I can’t face reading the latest depressing chapter

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 06:27

Emilybemily8 · 19/01/2026 06:14

I think it’s real
I think the Op has serious mental health issue and is a chronic attention seeker as well

I think her daughter has probably had a very unstable childhood

I can’t face reading the latest depressing chapter

Ok this is one comment that has somehow annoyed me. I am not an attention seeker. Mental health issue I agree with . I do have pretty bad anxiety and have had it all my life . This is my life unfortunately. I am used to living a quiet , drama free life. Obviously these last 2 and a half years have been anything but. And I have come on here because for the entire relationship I have been made to believe everything that has happened is my fault .

OP posts:
theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 06:28

Emilybemily8 · 19/01/2026 06:14

I think it’s real
I think the Op has serious mental health issue and is a chronic attention seeker as well

I think her daughter has probably had a very unstable childhood

I can’t face reading the latest depressing chapter

And as for my daughter . Shes had a good upbringing. I do not take my problems to my daughter. This is a happens up his house so when I’m home Im just back to normal me .

OP posts:
Emilybemily8 · 19/01/2026 06:39

I am used to living a quiet , drama free life.

Personally i don’t regard this as a quiet and drama free life…

I got with my daughters father when I was 15 he was 27 and at the time i didnt think it was bad . I didn’t have a very good childhood . Loads of domestic violence , alcohol induced . Numerous men ,

and your daughter was around this…

Then the ex cheated from the very start . He would cheat on me a few times a month then come home early hours and wake me up , start humping the door and would say a girls name who he had slept with that night over and over again . He would say i do it because your fat and ugly and you turn me sick . He was controlling , if I text my friends he would smash my phone against the wall, he was violent on times too . Give me a disease then blamed me even tho id onky ever slept with him . I walked in on him having sex with some girl on his friends sofa . I could go on for hours but he and growing up done a number on me .

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 06:43

Emilybemily8 · 19/01/2026 06:39

I am used to living a quiet , drama free life.

Personally i don’t regard this as a quiet and drama free life…

I got with my daughters father when I was 15 he was 27 and at the time i didnt think it was bad . I didn’t have a very good childhood . Loads of domestic violence , alcohol induced . Numerous men ,

and your daughter was around this…

Then the ex cheated from the very start . He would cheat on me a few times a month then come home early hours and wake me up , start humping the door and would say a girls name who he had slept with that night over and over again . He would say i do it because your fat and ugly and you turn me sick . He was controlling , if I text my friends he would smash my phone against the wall, he was violent on times too . Give me a disease then blamed me even tho id onky ever slept with him . I walked in on him having sex with some girl on his friends sofa . I could go on for hours but he and growing up done a number on me .

Hi so obviously not at this point but my ex fiancé i was with for a number of years this is where everything changed . This was my drama free , peaceful life . I was with him for 10 years . So this was after my daughter’s father . Also my daughter was little and again I hid everything that was I going through from my daughter . I left my ex because I fell out of love with him.

OP posts:
Emilybemily8 · 19/01/2026 06:44

Ok op

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 06:47

Emilybemily8 · 19/01/2026 06:44

Ok op

I do understand and agree with what you’re saying I really do . The only bit that I say annoyed me but more upset me was me being an attention seeker.

OP posts:
Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 19/01/2026 06:50

Why don't you try being on your own?

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 07:37

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 19/01/2026 06:50

Why don't you try being on your own?

Hi op this is all that i want and have always wanted really . But oddly when I left my ex . 3 years ago I wasn’t scared of being on my own then . I have always been scared for some reason. I think maybe because I got with my daughter’s father so young . Or maybe there is another reason . I was so content 3 years ago . I really don’t know how I ended up in this relationship. I do wonder . I think it’s because he came across so different at the start . Nice . We talked on messages for months . But then when I got with him in real life everything was so different but im so stupid because I give people way too many chances than they deserve

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 19/01/2026 09:42

Good for you, OP. Not sure why posters are having a go at you. You are doing the right thing. Keep him blocked. I don't understand how he has an app that can override a block? But if that's the case, change your phone number. Stay safe.

It's good you feel free. Hold on to that feeling, because there will probably come a day when you feel exhausted and want to go back to him because there's a sort of comfort in the familiar even when it's painful and wrong. So remember that feeling, of being free, of seeing the possibilities. Treat it like your religion and have faith in it even in the darkest days. You'll soon find those dark days become few and far between.

And get some counselling or therapy to help you rebuild your life. Good luck!

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 10:12

wrongthinker · 19/01/2026 09:42

Good for you, OP. Not sure why posters are having a go at you. You are doing the right thing. Keep him blocked. I don't understand how he has an app that can override a block? But if that's the case, change your phone number. Stay safe.

It's good you feel free. Hold on to that feeling, because there will probably come a day when you feel exhausted and want to go back to him because there's a sort of comfort in the familiar even when it's painful and wrong. So remember that feeling, of being free, of seeing the possibilities. Treat it like your religion and have faith in it even in the darkest days. You'll soon find those dark days become few and far between.

And get some counselling or therapy to help you rebuild your life. Good luck!

Thankyou very much op ❤️. I go home form work to take my dog out and to feed him then go back after an hour . As soon as I get in my car hes phoning me on withheld . So I put my phone back in air plane mode . But driving to work I had a feeling of excitement . I feel rather free . No rushing every single day just to go up his and live in the bedroom , having to put up with his dog ruining all my things . No anxiety every single day 24/7 worrying what hes took in work , if he will go out and I won’t hear off him , and guess what . Hes phoning me again

OP posts:
theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 10:20

Im currently on the phone to my network provider to change my number

OP posts:
theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 10:52

Number changed 😊

OP posts:
HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/01/2026 10:55

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 08:56

sorry I didnt mean to press send. Out of everything he has done this is what finally made me realise I can’t do it to myself anymore .

my daughter and her bf have gone on holiday. We have never experienced normality of living together because of his dog and the fact he hasn’t got much of a house left because of them so it’s just sat in the bedroom 24/7. Now Im used to eating at a table , cooking together, snuggling up on the sofa with munch and maybe a glass of wine watching films them falling asleep ect . Just all that iv always missed . So with my daughter being away i was so excited and wanted to make everything perfect for him to stay with me for a week . I cleaned the whole house , done a huge food and munch shop , bought candles ,
flowers , and the plan was he would come down from work shower , chill out id make food , we would eat at the table . Then sofa for films and loads of crap food. I was going to do him a nice breakfast in the morning and we were going to make cakes .

this was planned the whole week leading up until Friday . Friday came and for some reason I had a feeling that it was going to be ruined . He phoned me at 4 said he won’t be long in work and he will walk the dog with me . He said twenty mins tops . I didn’t hear off him . This was an hour now. I phoned him . His phone was off . He phones ke back 40 mins later saying his battery had died and hes gone to take his boss somewhere which is 45 mins away from where we live and where he was working . Fair enough . Another hour goes by i phone him . There’s a pub on a mountain where we live but also a route to get to where he lives . He said hes in that mountain and won’t be long. This is when I knew he would be going to the pub . I didn’t phone him an hour went by again. Just like all the other times before where he has gone out not told me and I havnt heard off him u til the next day I thought it was going to be like that. He eventually phones me. And I can tell by his voice he’s been drinking . This is now nearly 4 hours late. He said dont moan now iv been for a drink . We got another bottle to take with us and I got to take my boss somewhere else and il phine you. I asked if he had done coke because it’s with the one hes wirh now who he does it with all the time . He flips out and says no. Said iv ruined the night by asking him. I only asked because that’s what happens every time . I felt bad for asking and it made me anxious because at that point I knew I ruined the rest of the night .
i waited an hour still nothing , I phoned him nothing . So I thought it go drive past where he said hes pricing up a job with his boss .
well they were there sitting in the van drinking cans . He sees my car and phones me . And hes steaming . Said it’s my fault hes drunk . Asking him
if he had took
coke . He was shouting . Just blaming me for ruining the night . Said he was still going to come down . This was 8 now. I said to him I just wanted him come down , normal . Not drunk as usual jusy normal . He makes me anxious when he’s drunk too because of the way he gets aggressive . He said for me to shut up and he woudl
phome me straight back . He didn’t . I phoned him at 9. He was still drinking and sniffing with his boss . And how I know he was sniffing is because when he’s drunk hes gone . No way could he text me normally . He text me at half 11 blaming me but it was all too perfect . Then sent me sad songs . I didn’t open them . I was in such a state that night that something clicked and I can’t do this anymore .

Well all I can take away from this is that he's a seriously dangerous and irresponsible drink driver whose boss is no better and he'd planned to leave his poor dog locked up all week with nothing but the occasional visit for food and the loo so he could sit in your house watching films all week. At this point I feel more sorry for the dog than you.

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 10:57

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/01/2026 10:55

Well all I can take away from this is that he's a seriously dangerous and irresponsible drink driver whose boss is no better and he'd planned to leave his poor dog locked up all week with nothing but the occasional visit for food and the loo so he could sit in your house watching films all week. At this point I feel more sorry for the dog than you.

Nope , his daughter came over on Thursday to stay with the dog until he came back home . Shes 20

OP posts:
Woody18 · 19/01/2026 11:08

OP, out of interest what job do you do and what country do you live in?
Trying to understand the woman we're trying to help and fathom out where you are to be living up mountains and what day to day responsibilities you have at work...

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 11:50

Woody18 · 19/01/2026 11:08

OP, out of interest what job do you do and what country do you live in?
Trying to understand the woman we're trying to help and fathom out where you are to be living up mountains and what day to day responsibilities you have at work...

Hi op Im from the uk. Don’t want to say where because it’s really small where I live and will be outing . Especially with what I have wrote on here . I work alone so as long as my jobs are complete Im a certain amount of time Im good ha ha .

OP posts:
HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/01/2026 12:02

Cantbelieveit888 · 18/01/2026 21:33

Why do I feel this story isn’t real…. I feel like this is one big wind up yet compelled to continue reading… because if this is real….. it’s son incredibly sad….. and it’s history repeating itself…. I feel like the OP has lowest self esteem to let this cycle continue….

Sadly I do believe it's real. it's a depressingly common story unfortunately. Women who have grown up with poor relationship role models and low self esteem will tolerate and accept any old shit rather than be alone.

They just don't believe that better men exist and are worth waiting for, because all the men they've ever known are pretty much the same. They'll often trade in one dud only to end up with another, no better than the last. Even though all the signs of a dud are there from the beginning, they set the bar so depressingly low for men to get into their beds, their homes and their lives that history just keeps repeating itself. And they wonder why?

It's perfectly normal to them (and often their mothers, their sisters and many of their friends) to expect a relationship to come in the form of drama, trauma, lies, betrayal, confrontation and constant disappointment. It's just one long, drawn out battle where she's determined to 'break in' and conquer some sorry excuse for a man who simply refuses to be 'broken in' and quite likes himself as the selfish, uncivilised pig that he is, thank you very much.

To these women, 'loving someone' is an endurance event of strength, determination and sheer will. It's an emotional Iron Man. It's a state of mentally exhausting firefighting, day in, day out for years on end. It never occurs to these women that at any point they are allowed to just stop, give up and walk away. That would seem like failure to them. They'd rather continue this futile battle they can't ever win, than actually allow themselves some peace and dignity and some actual bloody happiness by throwing in the towel and moving on.

This is what they think love is. No pain, no gain. It's tragic. It sickens, bewilders and enrages me that so many women think that being 'in love' means grabbing the nearest, clearly unsuitable, unworthy and pretty fucking unappealing man and then wasting years trying to metaphorically hammer him into the shape of the man she wishes he was, but he clearly doesn't want to be. It's utter madness.

Surely in order to love with someone you have to actually like them? The OP doesn't like anything about this man. What she likes is the idea of being with a better, nicer man. But for some reason, instead of waiting for him, refusing to compromise and learning to enjoy life on her own until he comes along, she puts all her energies into this pointless, masochistic shit show.

Woody18 · 19/01/2026 12:37

theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 11:50

Hi op Im from the uk. Don’t want to say where because it’s really small where I live and will be outing . Especially with what I have wrote on here . I work alone so as long as my jobs are complete Im a certain amount of time Im good ha ha .

I'm just trying to work out the woman you are as you say you've got a good job (one that enables you to pay for your own home and as you previously said, a salary sufficient enough to buy you expensive nice things) so I can only deduce that you are holding down a reasonably paid responsible position in the workplace.
And it shocks me that you clearly have the intelligence to do that but you just cannot seem to fathom out your own worth as an independent woman.
Don't you feel the huge drive these days of so many women choosing to stay single? Don't you see why so many women just aren't putting up with such crap anymore?
I'm not a man basher but for goodness sake, why can't you see it's better to be single than put up with misogynistic BS?

And by the way your daughter is not as stupid as you think, there's no way on earth she won't realise that her mum is jumping from shit relationship into shit relationship... there's no hiding it from her like you think that you are.
And you're also minimising all of your feelings of "stupidity" by putting "haha" on so many posts.
It's not in the slightest bit funny what you're telling us!

If what you're saying is true and this man won't leave you alone by telephone. Well you might have changed your number but it sounds like you're going to need some sort of restraining order against him. Presumably he knows full well where you live so could turn up at any time...
Stop minimising this abuse and WISE UP quickly!!
You seem so very foolish about your situation that I either fear for your safety or am questioning if you are indeed a troll....