To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

The information that Oftenaddled has given on this thread is accurate and realistic, speaking as someone who has actually donated a kidney.

Which hospital was your friend dealing with?

Either you’ve misunderstood what she told you, or she has misunderstood what she was told.

Great free health check, on the other hand. If it's likely to upset son I might skip the DNA test and let the kidney testing reveal it, given how miserable things must be for him right now.

There's a stage where they look at a profile you inherit half from your mum, half from your dad, so if son isn't matching at that point there's no relationship. (Other issues like blood type also affect the match but don't reveal relationship, so you can be a parent and not an overall match for the child).

And your transplant team positively encourages you to pull out at any time, and covers for you if you do ... There's nothing to lose by testing.

There's actually a lot to lose.

Your sanity for a start. Imagine going through all that, only to be told you aren't actually the father and you've been spun a web of lies?

Then there's time. Time which could potentially be lost if he's gone through all that for some random kid that isn't his. Time which could have been spent elsewhere, preparing for a child that actually is his.

First request....DNA

Second request.... mother gets tested too.

@AbsolutelyZeroFoxGiven But then you could argue- say he says no. The condition is passed by him. His eldest with op needs a kidney. Should he say no to them because the youngest might need a kidney and he won’t have another to donate?
you’re assuming he would even be a match for his two children with op. Yes he has one kidney to donate. Why should this child’s life have any less value than his other children. It’s not his fault his dad didn’t know he existed.

That’s all the stuff that is worked through during the counselling process, it’s not as black and white as Mumsnet makes out. It may be for some people but it’s not wrong if it’s not for others. A bit like people deliberately having siblings solely for ‘spare parts’ when a child needs familial donors and parents are not a match (and yes, this does happen). It’s 100% common sense for some people, whereas others give it pause for thought, nothing about the living donor process is clear cut and people will have complex thought processes. Which is why there is mandatory counseling process for concerned individuals versus a Mumsnet army.

I don't think there's any need to be losing your sanity over a planned wait to confirm whether a child is yours, if the wait was your own decision. But if someone felt that fragile, of course they should go with the DNA test first. Just saying how I'd approach it in this unusual situation.

In terms of time, I think you'd be at about 10 hours of tests and conversations over probably about 6 months before the paternity question became clear. Up to OP's DH but I would say not too burdensome.

Oh well if its not too burdensome then thats fine!

I mean lets just disregard that he could suffer serious health issues as a result, that the OP is due to give birth imminently, that they have another toddler child and that he doesnt actually know if the boy is his son.

Cos hey....its not a big deal!

Fragile? This is a matter of common sense. Do you honestly think believing you are a child's father for six months, a child in a life-or-death situation, only to be told 'Well actually, he's not yours' is 'not too burdensome'? Jesus wept....

You can't make the mother get tested too - no donation team will accept a donor under duress and they will lie to relatives on their behalf. Though assuming DH has no parental rights he'd have no right to hear the outcome of other people's tests anyway, so he will never know if she tests or not.

Lots of people don't qualify to donate. Often that's already obvious without testing: diabetes, heart conditions, cancer even after treatment, and lots more.

If I chose to do it that way, obviously I'd be fine with it. But yes, fragile isn't a great choice of word. If you thought you'd find it intolerable, I should have said, DNA test first. I'm just thinking how grim that would be for the child. No perfect solution, though, unfortunately.

You're not reading what I said - he will find out in the course of testing for donation whether the child is his anyway. You don't agree to donate until all tests are complete.

Yeah this was my thoughts too.
Why would she leave it so late to get the father tested. I'd worry that he was just 1 of many ex partners she had during that time that she had turned to out of desperation.

1st step would be a paternity test. Then if the boy is his then he would have to get tested. There is no way this bombshel can just go away. It would ruin your DH life if this is his son and he did not try to see if he could save him.

I don't agree with all the horrible posts making you out to be such an awful person. You are in shock and heavily pregnant with your world as you know it turned upside down in the most shocking way. Anyone would have a panic, be full of fear and wishing life could just continue as you know it. The reality is though you do have to face up to this. After the paternity test

…high/low BMI, high blood pressure, pregnancy or plans for pregnancy in the near future, kidney issues, kidney stones, mental health issues, blood clotting disorder… so many reasons someone might not be considered for testing.

And if, at that 6 month point, he finds out it's not his son. How does everyone involved then process his decision whether to continue or not? Surely it's better to find that out before starting the compatibility process.

No but he can very much question why she hasnt been tested and say that he wont be tested until she is too.

ETA I didnt say "force" I said "request"

The thing is that you don't know until that point whether you'll be able to donate anyway. It's a long process. But either way (DNA test or failed donor application) it's tough on the child.

One thing that may help anyone with a similar dilemma - the child will stay on any waiting lists he's on while testing continues, and they can test lots of people in parallel. That might make immediate DNA testing a good idea actually - if there are members of DH's family who might also want to explore donating, it would be good to be sure of the relationship asap.

@Daytimetellyqueen the question the op posted was regarding her DH getting tested to see if he could donate a kidney to his son, not some random child.
Of course, during these tests, the ops DH would be well within his right to confirm paternity and if the child was his, he should absolutely go and get tested as is his wish.
As I said I would 100% donate a kidney to my child.
As for the op not wanting him to do it because he’ll be no help to her post partum, words actually fail me.

It's not whether he is able to donate; it's whether he wants to donate. So if it's not his child, he may decide not to donate. There's no point testing for compatibility in that case. Confirming paternity is the starting point.

This is crazy. It’s not even your body! And he wants to get tested! That’s pretty mean to try and interfere with that, it’s still his son (he hasn’t expressed paternity doubts himself).

And yes, the son pushed your DP away. If he doesn’t even bother to get tested, then the son and his mum were 100% right about him!

If he's the father, is he really going to tell his son he won't donate unless his mother is willing to?!

He can request what he likes, and probably the mother will explain why she doesn't qualify if that's it. I'd imagine she's already had that conversation with her son. But ultimately, you have no right to know about anyone else's donor application status.

The majority of people who put themselves forward for donation are rejected for one reason or another. It’s much more likely that the mother has been deemed unacceptable by the transplant service than that she’s just going ‘No I don’t love my son enough to get tested.’

YABU. But it will take months to do the tests, it’s never quick. Lots of legal hoops to jump through including psychological assessments. He will also need to prove his relationship with him or there’s even more hurdles, eg family photos, birth certificate etc. all of it’s mandatory. But no you can’t stop him and he could save a teenagers life.

Yes, that's probably the best order to do things in, I agree.

Why do words fail you?

This type of donation is far worse on the donor than the recipient. He will be in hospital and recovering for far longer than the "son" would be. I have a friend who did this (before I knew her) and the recovery was awful for her. she says that it was the hardest thing she had to recover from and she has had cancer/chemo!

So that, at the same time as OP is due to give birth and has a toddler is just not doable. Forget him helping her, he will need her to help him, at the same time as recovering from/giving birth and getting used to being a mother of two.

On what planet does anyone think thats ok?!

He’ll most likely be in hospital one night, maybe two. And none of this is going to happen in the next few weeks, so it’s not going to affect him being able to help her when she gives birth.

Edited to add - my recipient was in hospital for much longer than I was when I donated.