To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

So that would be waiting for 6 months to find out whether the child is his when they could just do a dna test now and find out in a couple of weeks. Given how much the paternity question is likely to impact the decision, surely it makes more sense to find out asap. And paternity really does matter, all posts on here demonising the OP have said things like "what if it was your child " or "i would donate in a heartbeat for my child", not a single one has said "I would donate to a child who is not mine and I've only met once".

https://www.donateakidney.co.uk/living-kidney-donation/post-donation-recovery/

Most patients recover within 6 weeks (about the same as a C section) but some need 12.

So....not really just a couple of nights in hospital.

Educate yourself.

Yes, as I've said upthread, I agree with this on reflection.

Importantly, the child presumably has other blood relatives on DH's side, if he's his son. They may want to be tested to donate. And if he's not his son, he'll have potential matches elsewhere (and a direct match will get you a faster transplant). So DNA testing to establish who his father is for sure should be a priority. I expect that his medical team advised his mother to contact his father.

@PyongyangKipperbang a world where getting tested could save a child life.
Having to look after 2 children, is sonething that is done by mothers the world over, if the op really thinks her needs are more than that of a dying child I will say again, words fail me

The point is that the OPs partner wants to do it, and op wants to stop him. Whether or not someone personally wants to donate a kidney themselves is irrelevant, nobody is telling OP she should donate a kidney herself, but that it's not up to her to stop her DP doing it. Whether he does a paternity test first or not he'll find out in the course of the testing whether he's the father anyway.

Not really your decision is it?

Your friend was unlucky - I wonder too if her operation was pre- laparoscopic? Recovery was more arduous then. One or two nights in hospital is standard, and your post did seem to suggest a long time in hospital. The rest is normally about regaining core muscle strength and getting through a bit of constipation while your leftover kidney grows and flexes.

It's not nothing - there are states which don't allow anonymous donation. Things can go wrong, even if that's rare. But it's something relatives do for each other, and parents do for children, knowing these small risks. It is something a father should be encouraged to do for a son, and there is lots of time for him and OP to work out a schedule. It won't be happening before her child is born or for months yet, and they'll be consulted on dates.

It is indeed similar to the recovery from a C-section, only without a baby to look after.

It’s not an ‘awful recovery’ worse than cancer. The donor doesn’t have to stay in hospital for much longer than the recipient. Most people are back at work within a few weeks.

I’ve done it. I talk daily to lots of other people who’ve done it. I’m extremely well
educated on the subject.

If your friend donated a long time ago it was most likely back when it was open surgery, sometimes involving the removal of a rib. It’s come a long way since then.

Irrespective of dp being 18 or 38 when he was born

yes you try to save his life

no your slight inconvenience isn’t more important than anothers life

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Sounds like you have no heart at all

Of course it's relevant. You're claiming this man did nothing for his child growing up.
He grew up without his father and his father did nothing for him due to the choices of his mother.
Stop making excuses for shitty parents.

OP is not a monster for having concerns about it. One of the things DH has to weigh up is his responsibility to his current family. I'm not talking about a PP period, which other help arrangements can be made for. I'm talking about weighing up the risk of the surgery and losing a kidney himself. What if something happens to his other kidney? He no longer has a back up. What is something goes wrong with the surgery? My DH had a different surgery a few months ago and has had some serious complications that are ongoing and serious.

Of course most of us wouldn't think twice about donating to our own children. In this case, the OP's DH has been told the child doesn't need a father (donate and bye bye?). Blood doesn't mean he has a relationship with him.

If DH decided to donate, even if he was a match, he wouldn't be a monster either. He will have his reasons and no-one owes another parts of their body they aren't willing to give.

Why is it urgent? Is dialysis failing? Is he on peritoneal dialysis and trying to avoid haemodialysis?

Usually renal transplants aren’t an ‘emergency’ as the patient can survive with dialysis for decades. I assume the PPs melodramatically telling you this child will die have experience of an (unusual) emergency kidney transplant. Is there something that’s making this very urgent? Otherwise there’s time for both paternity testing and compatability testing and then there’s a process of assessment before living donation. It’s quite different to a deceased donor, where the urgency is due to the viability of the donated kidney.

This is a huge amount to process, I’d start with the paternity testing and go from there.

I really wouldn't factor in the child's "rejection" of his father. He's a teenager on dialysis, which has dreadful effects on mental health, energy levels, clarity of thinking. His father brought him into the world, and that brings responsibility whether or not the child wants a relationship right now. With luck, assuming they are father and son, theyll build a relationship eventually

I presumed it was the mother who had told OP's husband that the boy didn't need a father. In other words, we need you medically but we don't want you to step up or be part of his life outside that.

What an extremely stupid thing to write.

I assume everyone here who’s said similar has made it clear they’ll be an organ donor after death, and has signed up to be considered for donations they can make whilst living including bone marrow?

I note it is also possible to be a living kidney donor for an unrelated person.

Yes, it's very easy to be moralistic about it when it's not your kidney and health on the line. It is not a small thing to take on.

I thought it was the son, but I wouldn't blame the son whether it was him or his mother. It would be nice to build a relationship with him if possible, but it's a difficult time for everyone right now and sounds as if the son isn't in the right headspace. I don't think that should affect the father's decision to donate though. You bring a child into this world, you have responsibilities.

These things aren't ever easy and the child probably has someone in the father role. All that doesn't matter though, it just seems a bit rough to be told you have a child (that, morally, you should have been told about and given the chance to have a relationship with), have something this big asked of you, yet also be told you're also not welcome in their lives going forward. It would be more understandable coming from the boy and that door can just be left open if he is interested in future.

This may be one of those times no-one knows what they'd do or feel (even if they think they do) if they haven't been in that situation. I don't think there is a wrong or right decision for the DH. If he decides he doesn't want to put his own life or health at risk in donating due to responsibilities to the child he will have a relationship with, that is not wrong.

I'm glad you asked this @Clonakilla
I thought I must have missed something with all the talk of "a child will die if your DH doesn't do it".
The longest a person has been on dialysis is recorded as 43 years ( he's had 2 failed transplants in between) - and he's still going.
While a life on dialysis is not something anyone would rush to sign up for, it does at least keep someone alive while they wait for a suitable doner/kidney to arrive.

You are asking your dp to ignore serous health of his potentially biological child in order to be around to help with childcare for his other child?

To be fair, it's OP who gives that impression with her claim that the transplant must happen straight away (which is impossible) and will therefore clash with the arrival of her new child.

If her DH is under the same impression, he will learn more at an initial donor applicant appointment or can read up online to start with. https://kidneycareuk.org/kidney-disease-information/treatments/kidney-transplantation/patient-info-donating-a-kidney-living-kidney-donation/#test-length is a good starting point for the practicalities. I think that, so long as he does what he can do minimise disruption, this is his choice and not the OP's, but some reading will probably reassure her too.

All of that is completely irrelevant.

His son needs a transplant so he must be tested to see if he can be a donor. There's no other option, it's a no brainer.

Surely you’re not ok that your DP doesn’t go ahead because you’re not supportive and then this child dies. Sorry but you’re going to have to suck it up, of course he should get tested. I’d be telling him he must do this. It’s a very selfish standpoint you have right now.

If mum hasn’t been tested, must be a reason. I’m sure she wouldn’t sit back and do nothing and just reach out to your ex. Understand why you’re worried but you need to give your head a wobble. This child could die. You’ll be a mother soon, how would that make you feel? He must do all he can, no matter how inconvenient for you.

It’s not a small thing but it is a thing that I cannot imagine knowing someone who would not do it for their child. I do know a couple of people who have donated a kidney to their child and they have only ever expressed being so grateful they were a match and could.
Im a registered organ donor and frankly I judge pretty much anyone who isn’t.