To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

Yes, wasting time by getting a paternity test done FIRST makes a lot of sense 🙄the DP should firstly find out why the child has the condition, meet with the medical team and undergo testing to see if he is a match at the same time as paternity testing. But waiting for the paternity test first is such a waste of time when a life is on the line.

@Born2 This must have been such a shock and I can totally understand why you feel you need the support of your husband for the birth and introduction of your baby. Its a pretty over-whelming time for you and suddenly learning your husband has an older child must be really daunting for you both not to mention unsettling.

I don't think I would want him to do it either but I would let him. I think if you don't, then it will have a very negative impact on your relationship because this is his decision to make and not yours. Now he knows about his son, things will change, you can't erase that.

You need to steal yourself here OP. This needs to happen. You need to motivate yourself to agree to this by putting yourself in this woman's place, imagine this was your child, what would you do to save your child?

Its OK to tell him how you feel and its natural to want to prioritise your family but you need to understand that this is his decision alone and if you try forcing him, he may walk away.

This will not be easy but OP, helping his son if he can, is the right thing to do and you need to suck it up and support him although this will be at a great cost to you at a really emotional time.

That's a good question - I don't know the answer but he could ask the donation team. Nobody rushes you off to dig out your kidney, fortunately! You get an independent team with no interaction with the recipient's team, and lots of time to ask about these things before you get close to making a decision. They are very very careful not to put you under pressure. Can be a bit infuriating actually when you are already sure about donating and just want to get on with it!

Bloody hell, your lack of compassion is breathtaking, OP, truly. I’m staggered. That poor boy….

This is the message that OP should listen to. Clearly @Oftenaddled knows what the process is like and I found it helpful how she clarified that paternity would most likely come to light during the testing anyway.

It is a serious decision and the risks need to be discussed and OP has a right to
worry. If I had to donate a kidney to my child I would certainly think through
and talk through the risks with my partner, including the risk of leaving my other children orphaned. Even things like
a will and life/critical illness insurance, you don’t just run into this.

most people are jumping on OP even though they have no idea what kind of surgery it is and not caring about risks, because it’s not them who bears these risks. Very irresponsible.

and he absolutely should first get paternity test and find out why mother is not a suitable donor

To save my child's life? I would do it without needing anytime to think about it.

Sorry OP but he should get tested. To do anything else is imho unthinkable. Any inaction could lead to a child losing his life but your focus seems to be only on you and yours.

There are no studies showing quality of life is much affected. You are advised not to lift heavy objects for six weeks and not to drive for about two. You need to rebuild core muscles. You have an annual check up for kidney function, blood pressure etc. You have a slightly higher risk of developing end stage kidney disease very late in life that you would otherwise have, but the absolute risk remains very small. The medical team goes through all this with you at length and in detail before you are fully tested, before you commit, before the operation.

What if it’s not your child?

But that’s the same with all of us every day - there are thousands of kids who need kidney transplants at any one time & we’re not all altruistically out there offering kidneys. If it turns out he is is son, then he obviously needs to consider it, but not before then.

Sure the OP has a right to worry and I completely understand her worries. But not to stop him. It's a long process, with psychological assessment, interviews, meetings with independent advisors and they will absolutely want to make sure DH has thought about how he will manage his current commitments.

But the level of planning, wills etc should be as much and no more (arguably less) than a woman should make before giving birth. Sadly, that's riskier. Anyone with children should have wills and as much of a plan as possible in place.

We are going off the assumption that the child is his and if it is his child and he is a match then to deny the kidney is abhorrent. A previous poster has explained the process in great detail, it will become apparent if the DP is the father during the evaluation process.

Agree with everything @Oftenaddled has said on this tread. Also, sound advice regarding a will. If you have children and you don't already have a will, living trust, etc then stop posting on MN right this moment and use the time to get your life organised.

I’m sure dp is the dad or why would she have contacted him. I’d get tested for sure, I couldn’t not, but I’d also insist she gets tested or explains clearly why she knows she’s not a match, and want to understand more of the condition - as others say your baby may be at risk, or the mum may know it is from her and rules her out for the transplant (although that last bit that it rules her out seems unlikely as her kidneys are presumably both still working)

this would be really tough and there are some strange things with what the mum is saying but your dp can’t just let a child die. Testing doesn’t mean he’s a match. Does he have family who might support you both through an op and post birth?

I really don’t see why the mum would have reached out to do if it weren’t his child.

I’m not on any organ donation register but I don’t have to be, here in Scotland we operate an opt out system.
And, without clutching any pearls, I would absolutely donate a kidney to my child, no doubt about it

She’s being jumped on for even talking about her concerns. There is a small number of posters who expressed sympathy and understanding, the rest are just being hysterical

Some transplants do fail - about 3% I think - and it's awful. You are warned about it and of course it would be distressing. But the way I thought of it was, you're part of a bigger picture. For every 97 transplants that work, there need to be 100. And at least you've done what you can.

Desperation at the lack of donor so trying anything from anyone in the hope of finding a match? Why hasn’t the mum got tested herself? Who knows why people do things but doesn’t mean the Ops husband is the dad!

You can donate a kidney now, so why have you not done so to another random child as right now without proof, that’s what this boy is to Ops DH?

(Edited to clarify my point)

A paternity test can be done in a couple of days. Otherwise, he is putting himself through all manner of appointments and tests for potentially nothing. All the emotional upheaval that comes with this too.

No time will be wasted, he'd likely get the paternity test results before an initial hospital appointment came through.

I assume if any of your children required life saving treatment you’ll tell your husband he’s not to be tested then?

Regardless of their past relationship, it seems your DP believes he’s the father. Maybe the boys mum said she had an abortion so she couldn’t be accused of ruining his life as it was just starting?

Im pretty sure all of that can be worked out once DP has been tested. If his son doesn’t want him in his life so be it, but he should be taking the steps to ensure his son makes that decision. The boys mum may already have been deemed unsuitable for the donor hence why not been tested.

This is not the advice my friend was given when they had to make a decision about being a live donor recently.

It's the advice I was given, and I've backed it up with extensive reading of medical journals etc. Does your friend perhaps have some condition that would raise her level of risk? Would you remember the details of problems to be expected at all?