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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

443 replies

Born2 · 07/01/2026 21:08

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cailleachnamara · 07/01/2026 23:25

You would be a little inconvenienced. This child will probably die without a transplant. Give your head a wobble!

Your DP may well not even be a match but if you try and block him from doing this you might end up a single parent forever as he would never forgive himself if the child dies and he could possibly have helped him.

kkloo · 07/01/2026 23:27

I'd be 99% sure if the mother wasn't tested then it's due to medical reasons, because the alternative is unfathomable.

Your partner should absolutely be tested and donate if he's a match, how would you explain this to your kids in future if the child dies and they later find out they had a half sibling and their dad didn't even try to save him?

FunnyOrca · 07/01/2026 23:28

Wow. YABU.

The boy could die!

Oftenaddled · 07/01/2026 23:29

A few things to be aware of here:

Mother may have condition(s) that rule her out from donating, hence no test.

The matching process, if the DH goes that far, will reveal whether or not he's a close relative of this boy. There's a box you tick to acknowledge this, because it can be a very difficult moment if people find out they aren't related.

People create a lot of drama online and in life with the idea that a close relative is needed for a match. They aren't, and close relatives often don't match. But here's the thing:

you don't need to be a match to donate a kidney. Say you are A and want to donate to B. You don't match. You go into a database which runs four times a year. You are paired with C, who wants to donate to D. You donate to D. C donates to B. Any adult who has been cleared healthy enough to donate can do this. So the risk of running out of matching donors for future children etc isn't huge - but if you're being told uncles didn't match as opposed to didn't qualify as healthy enough, that's misleading.

There may be no immediate urgency and in any case, DH would have to have tests of kidney function etc. Once you are matched or paired, you can choose preferred dates.

All operations under GA have some small risk. If your DH has above normal blood pressure, his risk of dying is a little less than it would be for a woman giving birth. If his blood pressure is normal, it's far far lower. And it's getting safer all the time.

Morally I would say a parent should try to donate if in reasonable health - I wouldn't say this of any other relationship. I've done it. It's fine - like a Caesarean mostly.

christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem · 07/01/2026 23:29

I’m sorry but you are no woman or mother if you oppose this. This is one of the most disgusting things I’ve read on here.

Espressosummer · 07/01/2026 23:30

Motomum23 · 07/01/2026 21:10

Yabu - surely you'd want your dh to be able to save a child's life if he can.

Have you donated your kidney? You could save a child's life if you did. It can be done via non-directed donation if you are a healthy adult in the UK.

Maddy70 · 07/01/2026 23:31

I can understand your upset but he needs to get tested

Kibble19 · 07/01/2026 23:32

Disgusted at this. How are you the main character here?

It’s not just some random child, it’s HIS child.

You’re a mother, and you can’t get it? Really?

Searchingforananswer2023 · 07/01/2026 23:32

Born2 · 07/01/2026 21:08

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

Massively unreasonable. The operation will not take place so quickly and won't disturb your birth.

He needs to see if he is a match - it's a 50% chance. It's also not his fault he fathered a child and was unaware. If the child doesn't want him in his life then fair enough but the child deserves a chance at life.

I hope your child never needs a transplant or gets seriously ill, it sounds like it would be a massive inconvenience to you.

Espressosummer · 07/01/2026 23:33

How long would it take to do a dna test to make sure he actually is the father? If I were your partner I would get a dna test as well as testing for the kidney donation.

I am amazed at how many posters on here would be oh so willing for their partner to give up their kidney for a stranger. With the risks of surgery, the loss of income, long term health risks. Except I doubt they are, it's just very easy to be an armchair warrior.

Searchingforananswer2023 · 07/01/2026 23:35

Espressosummer · 07/01/2026 23:33

How long would it take to do a dna test to make sure he actually is the father? If I were your partner I would get a dna test as well as testing for the kidney donation.

I am amazed at how many posters on here would be oh so willing for their partner to give up their kidney for a stranger. With the risks of surgery, the loss of income, long term health risks. Except I doubt they are, it's just very easy to be an armchair warrior.

Very naive. Lots of people are living donors for kidney patients. You have two kidneys and only need one. Recovery is usually fine, no operation will take place unless medics are confident of this.

crossedlines · 07/01/2026 23:36

You really think it’s ok to try to influence him not to get tested to see if he can potentially save his son’s life?

Wow.

Goldwren1923 · 07/01/2026 23:39

Clefable · 07/01/2026 21:13

YABU to think that some potential inconvenience to you is worth more than someone’s life. You don’t seem to be worried about your DH’s health in relation to donating, just how it will make your life harder?

Are you crazy?
kidney donation is a serious surgery and comes with a huge set of risk, including death, just like any surgery.
what if this man later develops kidney issues of his own and has only one kidney left?
you are talking as if it’s nothing!
its a serious decision and OP certainly has a right to be concerned. What if she’s left with 2 young children? She can’t stop him but it needs to be discussed!

Lochroy · 07/01/2026 23:40

Fucking hell, mn really does bring out the sanctimonious doesn’t it. Live donation is not a risk free decision. And of course OP is trying to balance her own hormone driven emotions, the needs of her DC and the needs of this boy.

I think you need to first and foremost confirm paternity, and then seek professional counselling and guidance. It’s a horrible situation all round.

Goldwren1923 · 07/01/2026 23:42

Wonder how many pearl clutchers here are ready to donate their kidney - all of you can save someone’s life, today! Go
on then! How many are even registered as organ donors?

Espressosummer · 07/01/2026 23:43

Searchingforananswer2023 · 07/01/2026 23:35

Very naive. Lots of people are living donors for kidney patients. You have two kidneys and only need one. Recovery is usually fine, no operation will take place unless medics are confident of this.

So you would be fine with your partner giving their kidney to a stranger? And you yourself have also donated to a stranger because "you have two kidneys and only need one"? That's the point I was making, that all the holier than thou posters on this thread should consider themselves/their partner's doing an altruistic donation since they, just the OP's partner, could save a child's life.

I'm not naive at all. A close colleague donated her kidney to her daughter. The transplant failed. I witnessed the hell that family went through. Sometimes shit happens and the impact could be far reaching for the OP's family. That's why I think he at least needs to do a dna test first.

Oftenaddled · 07/01/2026 23:44

What might help, OP, is to read up on it. You may find that reassuring.

https://www.nhsbt.nhs.uk/organ-transplantation/kidney/receiving-a-kidney/living-donor-kidney-transplant/

Here are some questions your DH could ask meanwhile:

What is the urgency? Dialysis is awful but normally will sustain life for a few years. You sound overwhelmed and panicked but this may not be the rush you are imagining.

Is DS on deceased donor waiting list? (These kidneys aren't as good and won't last as long, and there aren't enough of them. But if his need is life or death urgent now, and he's fit for transplant, he should be in with a chance of one from that source. If a deceased donor transplant happens before DH is matched, tested etc, he could prepare to donate in 5-8 years time when that kidney is likely to have failed.

Has anyone who was tested been found fit to donate (not a match)? Is anyone enrolled on the UK Kidney sharing scheme. It will next run end January. It's too late for your husband to get on it this time, so you would be looking at April at very soonest, for an operation May, June or July. But that would be more efficient than usual ...

Is DH obese; does he have high blood pressure or diabetes; does he have a history of kidney stones or UTIs? These and other things could exclude him. Some he could work on.

Are there other potential donors in DH's extended family?

I think you'll feel better when you know more. It's a low risk process which can usually be scheduled to suit I don't think you'd really want to be married to a man who wouldn't do this for your child, though I understand the initial shock and panic.

Living donor kidney transplant

This is when a living relative, friend or even a stranger donates a kidney to you. There are many advantages to receiving a kidney transplant from a living donor.

https://www.nhsbt.nhs.uk/organ-transplantation/kidney/receiving-a-kidney/living-donor-kidney-transplant

Oftenaddled · 07/01/2026 23:47

Espressosummer · 07/01/2026 23:33

How long would it take to do a dna test to make sure he actually is the father? If I were your partner I would get a dna test as well as testing for the kidney donation.

I am amazed at how many posters on here would be oh so willing for their partner to give up their kidney for a stranger. With the risks of surgery, the loss of income, long term health risks. Except I doubt they are, it's just very easy to be an armchair warrior.

NHS will cover expenses and loss of income if necessary, by the way.

(Not meaning to be argumentative, but it would be a pity if any of our reactions to OP's very unusual situation put anyone off donating).

Wowsersbrowsers · 07/01/2026 23:51

What a horrible shock.

I get why you're responding this way. It's a hugely emotional time and the extra stress is not helpful. However, I think if you were looking at this from a few years down the line you'd support him in getting tested if it's his child.

Espressosummer · 07/01/2026 23:51

Oftenaddled · 07/01/2026 23:47

NHS will cover expenses and loss of income if necessary, by the way.

(Not meaning to be argumentative, but it would be a pity if any of our reactions to OP's very unusual situation put anyone off donating).

That's really good to hear and I didn't know that.
But how long for? If the op did go wrong and he took 6 months off work to recover, would the NHS still pay for that? Not trying to be goady but, if I were in the OP's position and about to go on maternity leave, finances would be a concern. Which I'm sure lots of posters on here would judge me for given how many seem keen to cut open the guy themselves but not everyone is on a six figure salary with 200k in savings.

Oftenaddled · 07/01/2026 23:51

Goldwren1923 · 07/01/2026 23:39

Are you crazy?
kidney donation is a serious surgery and comes with a huge set of risk, including death, just like any surgery.
what if this man later develops kidney issues of his own and has only one kidney left?
you are talking as if it’s nothing!
its a serious decision and OP certainly has a right to be concerned. What if she’s left with 2 young children? She can’t stop him but it needs to be discussed!

It's a thing you would do for your own child though, surely.

Sure, ask for DNA test if you must though it may feel a bit crass. But if DH goes some way with the testing, it will become apparent whether he and this child are closely related or not. If he wants to pull out at that (or any) stage, his clinical team will tell the recipient family he's not fit to donate (because unwillingness, undue pressure etc fall into this category, though they won't give reasons).

Goldwren1923 · 07/01/2026 23:53

Swissmeringue · 07/01/2026 23:22

Hard agree with this.

He's a child, you want to deny him the potential for life saving treatment because he's inconvenient to you?

YABVU

There are children dying today without a kidney transplant. You could be a match! Are you denying a child life saving treatment? How shameful!

Booooooom · 07/01/2026 23:53

I think the first step here is does DP want a paternity test and go from there.
If he is, give them both some time to get used to the idea and then consider donor matching.
It a big decision and no.need to rush if son is on dialysis

Uberstar · 07/01/2026 23:53

Ok so I have donated a kidney to my teenage child, and I can tell you now, no matter how urgent, if your partner chooses to go through with the donation process, it will be months and months of testing him to ensure he is able to. (mine personally was around 9 months)
my daughter was very suddenly, very unexpectedly diagnosed and was very, very poorly.
However she had hemodialysis at a children’s hospital until I was able to donate after all my testing.
Wishing you all the best of luck in your decision

unsync · 07/01/2026 23:53

Once paternity is confirmed, he needs to know what the issue is with the kidneys. If it is a genetic defect, is he at risk of developing the same disease? If so, even if he is a match, then that would leave him extremely vulnerable with only one kidney.

I wonder how many people understand the complexity of donating organs using living donors. It is not as simple as most people on here assume. Whilst you can survive on one kidney, quality of life is likely to be impacted to a large degree. This decision affects everyone and the OP is justified in being concerned.