To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

We don’t know that she didn’t, and she very obviously wants little to do with him so no, it doesn’t surprise me. It seems fairly logical on the info given that she wants to save her son’s life, so her not being tested is likely to have a logical explanation. There’s loads of common reasons someone can’t donate - from high blood pressure to diabetes. She may very simply have a non-compatible blood group, which she will already know.

The time to decide that is after she has been tested to see if she’s a match.

the hypocrisy on the thread is breathtaking.

Absolutely! People can tear strips of the OP, a woman with one child at home and about to give birth, but heaven help anyone defend her or tear strips of the mother!

Thanks for sharing this. I believe people should register for these things - I am myself. The truth is that strangers are unlikely to match. In the OP’s case, he’s not a stranger, he’s the father. I suppose the mother could be lying but it seems wild to just pluck exes out of a hat and ask for a kidney, when the boy is just as likely to match with a deceased donor as a living stranger.

Where has the OP said she’s vulnerable?

So they should test her if she’s already known to be unsuitable because of - say, cancer treatment, blood group incompatibility, kidney disease of her own?

Has your DP done a DNA test to ensure that he really is the father?
Maybe he could do both tests and then he's done the right thing.
I do understand your concerns OP, as the timing for you isn't great, but life has a habit of not turning out how we planned. No-one in this situation has chosen this. I hope it works out for all of you.

Not necessarily. Depending on what the medical team know about the child’s illness, e.g. whether it’s genetic passed from the mother’s side of the family may already determine that she’s not a match without having to be tested.

The uncles may have been tested because they may not have been genetically tested previously, whereas the mother likely will have been in order to determine whether she carried the gene, in order to know whether any other children she may have need to be screened.

So if it’s already known that she carries the gene then she will have been ruled out as a possible candidate without any testing. And bearing in mind that testing is the last bit, you go through a lot of stuff before you get to the carrying out the medical stuff stage.

No, that’s not what l’m suggesting at all. All we know is that she’s stated she hasn’t been tested. OP’s partner should clarify the reason for that because it may become relevant later on if he isn’t a match.

You don't think a 36 week pregnant woman, with no family around her, only her DP, and a child at home, is vulnerable???

Of course he should get tested, and donate if he's a match.

compared to a dying child? Not particularly no.

Women have been giving birth for centuries. Assuming she’s not going through a high risk pregnancy, she’s doing what women have always done.

If the mother doesn't care about the dying child, why is it the responsibility of the OP.

I would greatly encourage all those who think he should test / donate regardless to sign up to be a living donor:

https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/become-a-living-donor/

You too can save a dying child's life!

You have no idea that the mother doesn’t care about the dying child. None.

But the OP doesn’t have to care. But she can at least own it.

The fact here though is that this child is her children’s sibling. One day they will grow up. And they may find out what happened. Because although the father doesn’t currently have a relationship with him, times change, things change. And if he dies because the OP talked him out of testing to see if he was a match then there’s a very real possibility that could cause resentment in their relationship. And if they split then the OP’s children will almost certainly come to know the truth when they’re older.

That’s exactly what he should do, but that’s not what you said: The time to decide that is after she has been tested to see if she’s a match.

I think thats pretty sound advice.
He's probably all over the place.

Son he didn't know about, guilt over not being there, anger at missing out on good times, then finding out about him in horrible circumstances.

He's probably traumatised himself. I think keeping out of it is for the best or point him in the direction of a councillor.
It needs to be the partners decision.

You also don't know that she does care. If she cared, she would have taken the test. Or, told the DP why she refuses to take the test.

One or the other.

This reeks of a scam. OP's DP should not get tested unless A) he undergoes a paternity test, and B) the mother takes the match test at the same time.

ETA that the son will grow up knowing his mother told his father she aborted him, AND refused to allow a father-son relationship, AND refused to get tested. So, I think her own behaviour will come home to roost far quicker than DPs/OPs.

Who said the mother doesn't care. Thats an extremely cruel accusation.
The mum might have been ruled out as a donor for her own health reasons.

I've had a blood transfusion I am not allowed to give blood, I'm guessing kidneys are the same.

I don't buy it. She would have said the reason why as the reason for the contact with DP. If it was something real like that, she would have said.

I think it's really cruel to tear strips off the OP for her being in a situation she didn't even ask for or expect, when she is about to give birth, all because she is rightly, wisely cautious.

It must be a terrible shock, it’s the sort of news anyone would dread hearing. Having said that, if he can save a child’s life then how amazing would that be? It doesn’t matter whether he is the father or not, he could save someone’s life. I’d let him have the tests because he might not even match.

You don’t know she hasn’t said. All you know is that the OP has said she hasn’t been tested.

OP has only posted twice, and then only very briefly, so the OP isn’t exactly a reliable source here given she probably doesn’t know all the answers herself.

As for suggesting that the DP only be tested on condition the mother is, you don’t put conditions on things like that. Either he feels he wants to be tested, or he doesn’t. And the instant he puts pressure on the mother will be the instant she is turned down as a possible match, because one of the questions you are asked as part of the process is whether you are being coerced in any way, and emotional blackmail (either you get tested or I won’t) definitely counts.

Nice. You have no idea what the mother is going through.

Then she'd get tested herself.

I agree too. I assume all those who jump at OP's throat also regularly donate blood/plasma/platelets to save the lives of children treated for leukemia- otherwise they're massive hypocrites.