To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

Yes, and they will take kidneys from women of childbearing age - just make sure they are aware of the risks.

I was reading the other day about a mother of ten in 1970s America who wanted to donate to her dying son in the early days of transplants, and was almost prevented from doing so because the medical panel thought she was prioritising him unfairly over the other nine. But there hasn't been a single person on this very divided thread who has said they wouldn't do this for their child, of course.

I found the advice and information offered by the NHS very sane and sober - absolutely no drama or guilt-tripping or assumptions. For anyone considering donating in any circumstances, it's no risk to make contact and explore the possibilities. You're in control every step of the way.

The whole situation screams dodgy as heck, #1 thing is paternity test. Absolutely that before any donor testing at all.

WRT to donating the kidney - his choice but but but .... if this is a genetic condition it could well be he himself needs two because one of his may already be failing.

If there is a chance the child has inherited the condition from him, they will screen for it and he won't be allowed to donate if he has it. No point transplanting a damaged or low quality kidney.

Donations only happen if you have two healthy high-functioning kidneys and no condition that would predict kidney disease or related problems. That's why only 3 out of 10 people who come forward qualify to donate a kidney to anyone at all.

I'm assuming that the OP's fear is that she might be left widowed and her new baby might be left without a father. (As others have pointed out, the operation wouldn't happen straight away, but the OP seems to be under the impression that it would.)

yes, he absolutely should get tested. Son or not.

That is likely to be the reason why mum hasn't been tested

Well the DP may well agree it’s a ludicrous reason and it’s hormones talking. Or he might not. The point is, it’s for the DP to decide how much weight he gives to her various concerns. It doesn’t mean she shouldn’t express her concerns at all.

Why “son or not”? If it doesn’t matter whether it’s his son, then everyone who isn’t related to the boy should be tested. Including everyone on this thread.

I'd be insisting on genetic testing, to include a paternity test, to ensure that I'd be eligible to donate at all, in the first instance.
Then I'd get tested.

If I refused, and the child died, I couldn't live with myself.

The child has done nothing wrong.

Do you not feel anything (for someone other than yourself) thinking that a child could die?

Agree. This isn’t the OP’s child, it’s his. I imagine if it were her child, she would want to get tested and wouldn’t give her partner the time of day if he told her he didn’t want her to

gosh OP, that’s brutal news on so many fronts. In any event, he is your baby’s sibling. I think your dp should be tested

This is something he needs to decide himself with no coercion either way. You've told him your thoughts so he can weigh that into his decision making. He should recieve counselling if he is a match and can work through his feelings with someone impartial. You need to keep in mind that if a child dies that he could have saved, that could be a life changing burden for him to carry forever. Don't put yourself in the position where he could hold you responsible.

Just reading the responses, I think it might be useful to point something out.

About 90% of the testing for a kidney transplant is about your own health and consent. They don't test for a match until after they've done all that, and you can stop any time. So apart from the DNA test, there's no need for DH to be doing his own investigations before contacting a donor centre.

This makes sense, because if you are healthy enough, you will almost certainly be able to go ahead and donate even if you aren't a match. They will use the sharing scheme and pair you up with other people waiting to donate. So almost everyone can be a match. But only 3 in ten are fit to donate.

A lot of people are familiar with bone marrow donation, but this works the other way around. Matches are much harder to find. So if you are on the bone marrow register, you'll be contacted if you're a possible match (very rare), and then asked if you are willing to do the health checks etc.

Most people could donate bone marrow with the right match, but they will hardly ever be matched. A lot of people though not most, 3 in 10, could donate a kidney. If they want to do that, they will almost certainly be matched.

So for kidneys, a full health screening, not a matching test, is what the NHS does first for kidneys and spends its time on.

Of course he should test. I am not on the donor register but I would absolutely be a live donor for one of my children.

You would sacrifice his living son for some support with a new baby? Once the shock of this wears off he may well never forgive you.

The point is that no one should be pressuring anyone to donate organs. The child will presumably on the transplant list waiting for a deceased donor, who will be a stranger. Sharing DNA is no guarantee of a match. The OP is not at all unreasonable and the way she's been treated on this thread is shameful.

Of course he must be tested. If he isn’t the father it’s very unlikely that he’ll be a match; if he is, he may save the boy’s life. Surely you can get some help in to cover for your 2-year old while you have the baby and recover?

I agree OP is NBU. Essentially, DP is considering becoming an altruistic donor. If paternity is established, this changes to related donor. Given the mother's unreliability as historian, I don't think it safe to assume the latter until proven.

I don’t believe anyone is pressuring anyone to donate organs - for one thing that’s physically impossible on an internet message board!

You’re entitled to feel OP is not unreasonable. And others are entitled to feel the opposite. Shock is understandable, not wanting her DP to explore the possibility on the basis that she might need help with a newborn and toddler is not, imo, reasonable at all. It’s utterly selfish and ignorant of the process.

Indeed. On my mother's side of the family there is inherited polycystic kidney disease (it killed my maternal grandmother and her brother and two of my uncles).

When my older uncle was looking for a donor, my mother was asked. She refused, saying one of her children might need it. My uncle did receive a donated kidney via an anonymous deceased donor.

That is all the more reason for him to go ahead with testing (which does not commit him to donating in the end).

It would also be reasonable for him to ask the mother if she knows whether the son's condition may be hereditary, and from which side if so.

But if his uncles have tested, there will have been discussion already of whether the condition is hereditary or not and whether the mother passed it down if so. So she probably wouldn't have got in touch if it's likely to be hereditary on the father's side.

Still, it's something that will come up very early in testing.

If there's any chance the DH may have three children affected by hereditary kidney disease, the sooner he and OP start to learn about the process and their own potential to donate, the better.

Son or not? Are you suggesting he should donate a kidney to some random child? I presume you'd donate to a stranger who contacted you out of the blue asking for a kidney?

No one should feel they have to register as a donor, especially a living donor. I don't have children and the only person I would even consider donating a kidney to is DH. He has adult children but he has health problems and I very much doubt he'd be able to donate but I wouldn't judge him even if it was his choice not to.

I wouldn't donate to a random either. Nobody knows what their own health will throw at them.

But this isn't a random its the man's own flesh and blood even if he didn't know it. He needs to make his own decision and is probably in complete turmoil.

No-one should feel they ‘have to’ no, but not all donation is organ donation. Blood, blood marrow, donation after death. If you can help others with minimal detriment to yourself, why not?