To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

Is it something he could do 6 months after the baby’s born? So he’s there for you both when it’s hard with a newborn. Is there a reason the mum hasn’t been tested herself? That in itself is strange. Is it worth doing a dna test to ensure he is his son first?

Sorry if a reason has been given already but is there a reason why your DP hasn’t done a paternity test? I’m not saying that this boy isn’t his but I think he needs the paternity test to get his head around the fact that he has another son and then that may influence his decision to get tested as a donor.

So you want the poor kid to wait 6m and possibly die, just so the dad can be there for the potato stage where the baby can't move much, and mum is on mat leave, and then be recovering when it's the much harder older baby stage and potentially back at work!

Why won't the mother get tested? Why is she allowing her son to die?

There are so many issues here.

For the people who are downplaying this by saying that people live for years on dialysis, while that is true, it is also a fact that people die on dialysis because it’s not sustainable, and it doesn’t work well for everyone. Dialysis only maintains stability, not health. A dialysis patient doesn’t go in for dialysis and come home and live a totally normal life. And if this child is in hospital, then clearly dialysis isn’t working as well for him as it would be hoped, and a transplant needs to happen sooner rather than later.

Being prep’ed for a transplant and it not happening is common, it’s called a false alarm. Assuming it was a deceased donor, the donor is identified, and then the tests are carried out to see whether the organs are viable, and sadly sometimes they’re not. I had two false alarms before I had my heart transplant.

With regards to the mother not being tested, there could be so many reasons why she hasn’t.

If the uncles have been tested and found not to be a match, is this because of a genetic condition?

Does the mother potentially carry the gene which has caused the illness? And if so, does she potentially have other children with the same gene and/or illness who could need a kidney as well in future, and therefore she’s not in a position to feel that she can give one to one and not the rest?

Or alternatively is she a single parent? And so if anything happens to her because of surgery what happens to her other children?

People are very simplistically labelling this woman as a bitch for not being tested, while sympathising with the OP for potentially having to look after a baby. Something which people have been doing for centuries.

And what about the bigger picture here? The OP has two children. These children are this boy’s siblings. So what are they going to tell them in the future? “You had a brother who died because mum wouldn’t let dad donate him a kidney”? Because that’s what it boils down to.

This child is nothing to do with the OP. Whether the father knew about him or not is entirely irrelevant. He may not have known about him then, but he does now. And if he wants to be tested to see if he’s a match then he, and only he, has any say in that decision.

Paternity test first, if he isn’t the father, the issue goes away.

I'm appalled at the treatment OP is getting on this thread. She is having a child with a man who did not know he already had a child. That child, regardless of their health problems, is a stranger to both OP and her partner so of course she is going to prioritise her own child. Donating a kidney is no small matter and the surgery itself carries the same type of risk as any other surgery, including death.

It is heartening to see so many people insistent that saving a child's life should take priority over everything else going on in someone's life. There are between 270 -300 children waiting for organs, mostly kidneys, at anytime and anyone can investigate their suitability to become a living donor. Maybe all of those giving OP a hard time can put their money where their mouth is and solve the problem of children dying whilst waiting for organs.

https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/about-donation/living-donation/

Put yourself in the childs mothers shoes or think about how desperate you would be if your child needed a transplant and a potential match refused because his wife felt it it be an inconvenience.

Clearly the childs’ mother isn’t desperate enough to get tested herself. Surely that would be the first thing you would do as a mother ? Instead she’s contacted OP’s DP and revealed that he’s a father, after going out of her way to lie and keep the child a secret from him for his whole life. Something just doesn’t add up.

We don't know. It's either she can't be a donor or won't. If it's won't, are your he's suggesting that because the son has a rubbish mum, he should also have a rubbish dad?

Maybe her partner has forbidden it. You know? Like the OP is happy for the child to die because she doesn’t want the father to be tested?

She will have her reasons. If she’s contacted people to be tested, if other relatives have been tested and she hasn’t, then there will be a reason why.

She may have health problems of her own which preclude her from being a donor altogether.

Given the DH and her were only together for a matter of months he won’t know anything about her, and therefore neither will the OP.

Oh come on! Any woman would risk their lives to save their child. And if it were a genetic thing, all the more reason she would have been tested! There really is no excuse at all for her not being tested. OP's partner doesn't even know if he is actually the father.

You seem wildly over invested in this. You have no idea why the mother hasn’t been tested, and neither does the OP. All of the reasons for that would become clear on testing (and if he’s not the father he’s unlikely to be a suitable donor).

The mother has raised the child his whole life, including through most of his illness - you could criticise her for not telling the father, or could admire the fact that she got on with raising a child he clearly didn’t want, without burdening him - a man who didn’t consider they were in a ‘proper relationship’. She’s already tried all her brothers before coming to OP’s DP and I guess none of the would have done it if she ‘couldn't be bothered’. I think she sounds pretty stoic to be honest.

Oh that is even worse! A man is forbidding a woman to get tested, so she'd rather let her own child die, to hold onto a man? Yeah, sure.

OP is not forbidding her partner to be tested, she is exercising caution, and putting the needs of her children first. Which the mother should be doing herself. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for that mother not being tested. If there were any good reason, any good reason at all, she would have told DP.

How do you know the mother doesn’t have the same disease herself?

Why should the mother be a rubbish mother and get away with it? Why should a father with 2 children with OP risk his life for a kid he doesn't even know for a fact is his own?

"Clearly the childs’ mother isn’t desperate enough to get tested herself. Surely that would be the first thing you would do as a mother ? "

There is most likely a medical reason why she cannot donate.

What is your steak in this? Because for someone who knows nothing about this woman you seem awfully invested. Which makes me think that you’re involved here somehow.

So what is it?

Or are you the OP?

👏👏👏. about time someone said this. the hypocrisy on the thread is breathtaking.

And to the poster upthread who said they would judge anyone not registered as an organ donor, I have a newsflash for you - since May 2020 we’re all organ donors unless we opt out. Being a living donor is entirely different, so unless/until you become one your smug judgement of OP is unwarranted.

Wow. Being interested in a topic, and being upset at the way the OP, a woman about to give birth and another at home, is being abused for merely having concerns, is 'over invested', let alone wildly. You're being very hyperbolic.

If the mother cared at all, she would have got tested. There is nothing 'stoic' in being a deadbeat mother interrupting the life of a man who she told she aborted his child! Scum, is what I'd call her.

You don't think she wouldn't have told the DP if she did?

I call BS. She would have said if that were the case, as an intro into why she contacted the DP.

"Oh come on! Any woman would risk their lives to save their child. "

The medical team involved may not be prepared to take that risk.

You know nothing about the OP yet you seem awfully invested in attacking a vulnerable OP about to give birth. Are you the mother?

You don't think you're being a hypocrite when your attitude is only the opposite of mine? Neither of us know the OP or mother.

Then she would have told the DP as reason for contact.

It's your DH's decision to make. It's his body and his (potential) child.

I think he should be tested. And if a match go ahead with the transplant. Your role will be to organise all the support you will need for your child and then you and the baby if it turns out that DH is a match and will be undergoing surgery or recovering from surgery at the same time.

Yours is a short term timing issue and chances are you have other people who don't need to be a genetic match that could step in and help. The other is a potentially devastating time-sensitive catastrophe and your DH may be the only person who can help. Which one do you think should be prioritised?

It must be a massive shock for him (and you) but you can deal with the fallout from this news later once hopefully the boy is recovering.