To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

Why don't you expect the MOTHER to get tested???? She can't even be fucken bothered! I'd be more worried about the mother's (lack of) compassion for her own son, than gaslighting and victim-blaming a 36 week pregnant woman!!!

Two things need to happen:
DNA test

Your DH needs to establish why this woman doesn’t want to test/donate her kidney to her son.

Then if DNA shows your DH is the father and a match then conversations need to be had.

Um, @keeponandonandon , how about you read all of OP's replies on here before posting.

The MOTHER can't even be BOTHERED to be tested and refuses to be tested, to save her own son! Why is the gaslighting and blaming the OP, a 36 week pregnant vulnerable woman, ok, but you don't hold the 'mother' to the same standards? Since you clearly missed it, from the OP: The mum hasn't been tested, no.

WHY HASN'T THE MOTHER BEEN TESTED??? Why is she refusing to be tested? Why attack a woman who is 36 weeks pregnant, with a child at home, wanting her partner to be well enough to be with her, when the deadbeat mother can't be bothered to be tested, herself? How about she get tested first? Huh? How about that?

The mother also kept OP's partner out of her son's life out of spite, and only contacts him now she wants something (that she isn't prepared to give, herself): OP says:

DP was 18 when he was born, he was only with his ex for a few months and it wasn't even a “proper” relationship he said as he was going to uni a few months later. They apparently split up but his ex wanted to try long distance (even though he was Against it from the start), she told him she was pregnant and he basically said he'd support her but they weren't getting back together and she then told him she had an abortion and they didn't really have much contact after that as they had no mutual friends or anything.

What a real charmer of a mother she is. A real beauty, aint she? Yet you're attacking the OP for understandably, wanting her partner with her during the birth of their child, and with their child at home.

Mother can't be bothered yet she raised this kid since birth by herself without any input from the father. Mother might have reasons why she is not tested question is how do they even know she wasn't already tested and she wasn't a match? Plus, if something goes wrong and mother doesen't wake up who will the child be left with if she is sole carer? I find it dodgy that tje father has a kid he knew nothing about even though he knew about the pregnancy. I say there is more to the story but in the end is his decision only.

Raised this kid since birth by herself? She spitefully told OP's partner that SHE HAD AN ABORTION!!!

DP was 18 when he was born, he was only with his ex for a few months and it wasn't even a “proper” relationship he said as he was going to uni a few months later. They apparently split up but his ex wanted to try long distance (even though he was Against it from the start), she told him she was pregnant and he basically said he'd support her but they weren't getting back together and she then told him she had an abortion and they didn't really have much contact after that as they had no mutual friends or anything.

You seem angry, chill out.

Yeah, I'd take this with a pinch of salt or at least I would wait to hear both sides of the story first.

Maybe people should actually read the OP's posts before posting half-cocked, and stressing a 36 week pregnant mother!

More victim-blaming. By the OP's partner's reaction to go straight there, if he knew he had a son, he would have been in their life. He even said that himself. Women do tell men they've had an abortion, it happens a lot.

And, you still haven't addressed the mother's unwillingness to even get tested herself.

I think is fair to say the OP's stress has nothing to do with us!

Wow that's a tough one for your DP. Unfortunately, it's not really your call at all. Bit puzzled about the mother not being tested though, have I got that right?

Who the hell is the victim here??? I only defend the mother of a terminally ill child. Stop the drama.

You’re not wrong!

That 'mother of a terminally ill child' won't even get tested!

I say there must be more to this. I am not saying you are not right I just don't think the OP has all the onformation. She should talk to rhe child's mother before making a decision wehyher she supports her partner in donating a kidney, she might cone with a diefferent version or reason why she qasn't tested. Is reasonable.

You are about to give birth and everything in your world is centred around being prepared for that event with reliable support for your family from your DP.
So this shocking news is competing with your strong and determined baby mindset.

There is a lot for your partner to think about and it’s understandable you want this not to have come to light, especially right now.

If the child’s life is in danger though, I think your partner must act quickly to find out if he is a match even though the impact on your upcoming birth will be overshadowed by what your partner must go through.
Good luck OP. I hope you can adjust and find alternative support for your birth if your partner is unable to fully commit.

Why the inverted commas, is she not his mother?

I was quoting you in my reply.

Oh ok, sorry

Bizarre if the child’s mum hasn’t been tested unless she also has kidney issues? In dps situation I would have a paternity test and would donate. He is involved now as he has seen how ill his son is. As a parent you would do everything possible to help your child. As his “son” is 13 I think k it’s quite normal to have the reaction to dp that he did. But it could well change in time. Gently op it’s not your decision but of course it affects you.

I repeat, all I am saying is that OP should have more information and an open discussion betweel all adults involved and medical staff should take place. This is a decision with potential life altering consequences so I completely understand the OP's abxiety she wants the father of her child by her side for a long time. But she can not make this decision unless she has all the information. Although she can support her partner one way or the other, is his call.

I said I didn’t want DH to be tested when his friend asked as he needed a kidney transplant (due to a long term undiagnosed high BP as a result of lifestyle issues which knackered his kidneys) as he has form for having major complications after minor surgeries, one instance of which he was still recovering from and there were still question marks as to why he reacted in such dramatic ways. I felt very guilty but it would have put his health at significant risk.

Completely different situation here of course; unless there’s a medical reason why he shouldn’t at least get tested I would say that this is something that he should do. If this child dies, how do you think he is going to feel for the rest of his life? Immense guilt I would imagine, and if you were the reason he didn’t go ahead I would imagine that anger and resentment would ultimately be pointed at you. Not at all good for your relationship.

I do sympathise with your concerns though. Giving birth, looking after a newborn, toddler AND an adult recovering from surgery would be incredibly tough going. Could you have a conversation with him about putting extra (paid if not available from family/friends) support in place for you whilst he recovers? A nanny or night nanny for the first couple of months? Some form of home help.

Even though he was denied and lied to about this child's existence he wants to get tested. That shows the measure of your DP and he sounds like a great man.

I do think you're getting a hard time though OP. My cousin was a live donor for a kidney. It's major surgery with a long recovery and like anything there can be complications. This is one of those situations where its easy to say 'of course I would' but when the reality hits it's more complicated.

I'm also shocked that the boy's own mum hasn't been tested. What I'd also say is you don't go from being OK on Monday to needing a kidney transplant on Friday. He's obviously been ill for a long time and the mum had a chance then to contact your DP, let him know he was ill and give him the opportunity to be tested. This is such a sad situation and I feel for you all.

It’s a big shock for you, OP, at a difficult time. However, this has happened and you’ve all got to work with it. Look ahead - if your DH says no to donating because you’ve pressured him to say no, then that’ll have implications for the rest of your lives together.
Much as this has thrown a grenade into your life, it is what it is. Try to embrace this new opening in your family set up.

If he wants to be tested then you should not stand in his way.