To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

It's not a moral imperative for OP's DH, or anyone, to donate a kidney. If he refuses for his own reasons, it's a decision he has the right to make for his own good reasons. It's selfish to make someone feel guilty.

I can't imagine not doing it for my own child. Good on you for being a registered organ donor. Is that a living donor, so you'd happily give me your kidney if we matched and I needed it? If you feel you can do that, that's great. I don't feel I can and have very good reasons to not be a living donor too, actually for very unselfish reasons. I don't feel guilty and would feel guilty if I did become a living kidney donor for those same reasons.

Well he clearly wants to donate. He shouldn’t not because his partner doesn’t want him too. In my opinion it is morally wrong to not donate to a biological child for no good reason, and if I did that, i’d expect to be judged.

It’s not a random child though, and they’d be 100% confident of this (or proven wrong) through the testing process. So if he doesn’t, he isn’t the same man anymore. He’s a man who wouldn’t get tested to see if he was a match for a kidney to save his own biological child.

As you say though, 'for no good reason.' He is the only one that decides what a good reason is. I don't think a postpartum wife alone is a good reason, since other arrangements for help can be made for that time. It's his choice and there is no right or wrong decision really, because I assume a decision not to donate is made for good reasons.

I can say with absolute confidence for 'very, very good reasons', since that's so important, that the only people I would consider donating a kidney to at this time are my own children. Anyone else, sister, parents, etc, are out of luck.

No, I’m not a living donor. I think it’s different for your own children, donation does have complications. I’d do it in a heartbeat for my own children, and for anyone else I’d have to care very much about them as I owe it to my own 3 young children to be the healthiest mum I can be, they will need me for close to decades still. A biological child would count, although of course a woman couldn’t be shocked by the existence of a biological child like a man could be.

For the same good reasons, I would only donate to my own children. The good reasons I haven't shared involve my children, so any other family member is out of luck. My children are my first consideration and that is also why I wouldn't donate to anyone else other than them. At this point in time, I wouldn't donate to my husband either, especially importantly for the sake of my children. As much as I'd be willing otherwise, he's had some serious health complications that make it even more important that I, as their potential only surviving parent in the future, don't do anything to risk my health.

No, of course he MUST NOT be tested unless HE wants to do so. Hacking a kidney out of your body - as with absolutely any operation can, of course kill you. There are psychological and long term implications to removing a functional kidney. We have two for a reason.

Ignore the usual lying twats on this site who will tell you to nail a cross to your back and drag it up a hill or you're not being "nice" and you must bE kInD even if it means signing yourself up for an operation you do not want to remove one of your own organs for somebody you do not know.

Of course it's sad for the child, but we don't exist as harvesting meat sacks for other people's bodily needs.

Would I do it for my own children? Certainly. For anybody else? My husband, probably, and likely nobody else.

The vast majority would not, but some will lie about that to pretend they're better than me, you or anybody else who is honest about it.

And what I would do does not matter. Your husband has complete autonomy over his body.

So, I'm afraid it's not up to you, me, or the nitwits on this site. It's entirely up to him.

And if he says no that DOES NOT MAKE HIM A BAD PERSON. It's his body, his choice.

Daily we are told a woman's body so their choice whatever they do with it yet a man needs a woman to tell them what to do or not with their own body?

the double standard grows and grows

He has two different issues to address. The first is a paternity test. The second is whether he wants to be tested as a Donar. Has he even asked for a paternity test?

This! Get DP to do a paternity test asap? Get it accelerated.

How do we know the mother hasn’t been tested? It says she can’t do it, not that she won’t? It’s likely she’s tested and isn’t suitable.

I think a mixture of hormones and shock are clouding your judgement here. Your DH needs to make his own decision, but if this is his son, I’d be surprised if he didn’t want to help. Personally, I would step back and let him make up his own mind without conflict. If he didn’t help and the boy passed away, your DP needs to be absolute in his own decision.

How did he get into the conversation about ‘not needing a Dad’!? What a bizarre thing for a child to say to an apparent stranger.

What a dreadful situation for the young lad to face and his Mother. She must be completely desperate to reach out now when she’s single parented for 13 years. I’d expect a child maintenance request soon tho.

YABU, even if he never knew about him and even if the child doesn’t want a relationship, your DP is still his father. How would you feel if he decided not to get tested if one of your kids needed a kidney. It’s the right thing to do.

He is an adult can't he work out what to do himself, how many times have we seen ''get him to'' or ''he needs too'' or ''make him'' or variations on MN over the years

Not necessarily. Being a match wouldn't make donating automatically the right thing to do. There can be good, non-medical reasons not to.

I agree but he does need a dna test to establish paternity.

Judging by your update, it sounds like he is very likely to be the father. He was in a relationship with the mother and knew about the pregnancy at the time. I wouldn't do anything to try to influence him in any way. It has to be entirely his decision.

If this is real it all sounds a bit unethical.

A man is contacted out of the blue and advised that he has a child and is then put under pressure to sign away an organ with no paternity test, no discussion of risk/benefit/potential outcomes and zero counselling.

Seriously unwell child in hospital is introduced to random man who may or may not be his father in the context of needing to ask for a body part.

Child's medical information shared with potentially a complete stranger and his wife.

Pregnant wife told she's selfish and abhorrent for being concerned about above and for not offering up her husband to be incapacitated, potentially long term sick, unable to work and care for the family.

Jesus Christ. You’d potentially let a child die rather than lose your help after giving birth? You are a mother yourself. Imagine if you and your partner split up and your 2 year old needed a life saving transplant from him but his new wife was due to give birth and didn’t want him having surgery. Vile

The onus should be on the mother to be tested. It's quite telling that not only did she deprive her son of a father out of spite, but she won't even get tested to save her own son.

YANBU, your DP should tell the mother he will only get tested if she does at the same time. She wants your DP to go through the risk that she is not even prepared to do herself, and for her own son!

Edited to add that he should demand a paternity test too, at the same time. It sounds to me like he is being taken for a ride by this selfish 'mother'.

Did you read all of OP's posts on this thread? The son's OWN MOTHER is refusing to get tested! Surely his own MOTHER should want to get tested, first, before asking someone else to do something she can't be bothered doing.

Wow, what a shock! Firstly you have the news that dp has a son, and secondly you have this medical request. And thirdly you’re about to give birth yourself. Your head must be all over the place with what’s going on, and your head in turmoil.

I understand your misgivings and confusion nthough. It’s a major operation, resulting in the donor needing four weeks plus recovery time, at a time when you were counting on his support.

Why doesn’t the mother want to get tested? Why did the son think he was going to get a transplant before Christmas?

I’m staggered by your lack of compassion.
the details of how this kid came into the world are irrelevant in terms of him needing a donor.
of course your husband should be tested, I can’t believe there is a question over this, I’d my neighbours kids needed a kidney to live and I was a match id do it rather than watch a child die!!!
your DH wasn’t even with you at the time this child was conceived, I know it’s a shock but neither your husband and especially his son should be punished for this.
could you honestly live with yourself if you block this and the poor kid passes away??

I cannot believe your post OP, if my DH was a potential match for any child to be able to live, never mind his own child. I would absolutely encourage it. You are pregnant and have a toddler, yes it will be hard but you will survive. I would be upset to find out my DH had another child out of the blue but I would not allow my feelings around that and the fear I might not cope with a toddler and a new born influence whether a child dies or survives!

Put yourself in the childs mothers shoes or think about how desperate you would be if your child needed a transplant and a potential match refused because his wife felt it it be an inconvenience.

Hence, the tests they have to make before.