DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

Well he is thick as shit isn't he? You can let him know we all think it too.

When a woman leaves with a baby she may never get away from the man nor can the baby and the child it becomes.

The baby/child in this case could be forced to leave its mother, OP, for 50% of the time and be messed around by this man, until it is 18.

( Unless he decides not to pursue this through court.)

This is supposed to be in a child’s best interest.

I would start making a log of everything for when you need to build a case against him.

He’s got too pregnant and trapped and is now showing his true colours. Roped in a sweet 23 year old to be a free nanny to his little one. Absolute bellend. What did he say when you argued back?

How is OP overanalyzing her situation?

I bet he didn’t ’do it all’

I'd be having the baby but not with him. He could fuck right off, the child maintenance will be more use than he will. Get this deadbeat out of your life before he has time to wear you down.

I agree with this. My DH is also a parent to another child and the main issue in our marriage is that he expects me to parent DSD as well as our shared child, and I refuse - we are now in a massive resentment spiral and the marriage is on its last legs. I would definitely not underestimate how little respect you are going to have for this man when your child arrives if he follows through on his word. Your baby deserves two loving and involved parents.

Well he's a complete twat then. Jeez 🤦🏻‍♀️

What a piece of shit. I’m sorry your child has him as a father.

How old was DSS at the time of the early mornings?

He is an unutterable shit. I’m sorry.

I second that you should tell your GP and your midwife that he is emotionally abusing you. He is absolutely emotionally abusing you now you are pregnant.

It is very important indeed that you let someone know about this. This could help protect you if or when you leave.

Also call Women’s Aid if you need to.

The OP said from 4 years old.

Not. At. All.
He is fucking with you. He likely keeps you in your place in other ways. Look closely.

You might as well be single.

Can't believe I missed that in the opening line of the first post 🤦‍♀️

He has waited until you are pregnant to reveal who he really is.

Mumsnetters who say why did you marry him On other threads should take note of this.

Ask DSSs mum who did the wakings when he was a baby, I bet she did everything, there’s a reason they split up!

What an utter prick. I'm afraid he saw you coming. What a waste of space he is, I'm so sorry for you, your stepson and your unborn child.

He knows you’ve had significant MH difficulties. He knows you lack confidence in your abilities as step mum (even though you did just fine OP kudos!!). And before you even have the baby he acts like a total twat and plays on your MH. If this was my DH I would leave!

I think you need to revisit this conversation with DH. Does he want to enjoy his new child and be a loving parent? Hopefully once the baby is born he will feel a fatherly bond which will remove any idiotic point scoring he is currently nursing.
Ask why he has held onto this grudge for so long and how he imagines not co parenting will feel for all three of you. Being a parent is tiring but it is also wonderful and the early years go very quickly, they should be cherished, even when you're knackered!
I hope you work this out and can parent well together.

Look at it from his point of view.

He wanted a 50:50 arrangement because he didn’t want to pay child maintenance. When he got together with you, he hoped to pass most of the childcare onto you. That expectation didn’t play out as planned.

Now that you’re having a baby, his plan has completely backfired. He got together with you to reduce his childcare burden, not increase it. It's unrealistic to expect that he will do any childcare.

There’s so much stuff he said early ish in our relationship that came back to me when he said this.

He said he was a “stepdad” once with a woman with a newborn. He said he “loves all children the same, my own or others, I treat them the same”. Then he looked at me and said “you kind of treat DSS like yours but not all the time. Some people just can’t do it”

I don’t have family who could help. I could cope on my own, I work in a well paid job now. I know if I try to leave him he’ll make things really difficult for me. I don’t even know how I would leave.

Put your foot down, & tell him this is unacceptable. If you don't I expect it will only get worse. This is not okay.

Genuinely idiotic logic from him to not want to parent his own child.