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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

380 replies

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:01

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

OP posts:
Abd80 · 07/01/2026 22:06

Run fast and run far

Original poster
Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 22:06

AquaLeader · 07/01/2026 22:04

Look at it from his point of view.

He wanted a 50:50 arrangement because he didn’t want to pay child maintenance. When he got together with you, he hoped to pass most of the childcare onto you. That expectation didn’t play out as planned.

Now that you’re having a baby, his plan has completely backfired. He got together with you to reduce his childcare burden, not increase it. It's unrealistic to expect that he will do any childcare.

He wanted a baby! For years and years he’s been asking. He would bring home baby shoes and say these are for our baby when we have one. He wanted me to have a baby girl and was so happy at the gender scan

OP posts:
ChaliceinWonderland · 07/01/2026 22:07

Bobiverse · 07/01/2026 20:22

Get out. Get out now. He says you’ve to do it alone, so go and do it alone. He will be worse than being alone because you’ll have the upset and frustration of doing it all alone while another adult is snoring away enjoying a lie in. It’s much easier to do it alone without fighting with another adult, and then you’ll get time off when he has the kid.

This!!

Yourcousinrachel · 07/01/2026 22:08

Your husbands comments are really concerning. I am very worried for you. You sound like an amazing stepmum and i think what he said about you not loving dss as much is cruel. The fact is you do love dss and youve shown that here to us and that's enough. Another poster said he needs to love all of you and also his own little daughter waiting to be born. His love cannot be just words, thats not love, he has to show it, in his actions, in how he parents WITH you and how he speaks to you and to his children. He has a chance to create a happy life for all of you but if he carries on in the same vein, none of your lives will be happy. This must be so upsetting for you, just when you are enjoying your pregnancy. Why. why did he want to upset you and punish you like this? He would know this would upset you, anyone would.......
It doesnt augur well.

.im hoping you feel able to have a serious conversation with him to challenge him. If he says he was joking, im afraid thats another red flag as an abuser.

I wish you a happy healthy pregnancy and beyond but you are right to be worried about what he said. He is totally unreasonable.

nomas · 07/01/2026 22:08

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 22:04

There’s so much stuff he said early ish in our relationship that came back to me when he said this.

He said he was a “stepdad” once with a woman with a newborn. He said he “loves all children the same, my own or others, I treat them the same”. Then he looked at me and said “you kind of treat DSS like yours but not all the time. Some people just can’t do it”

I don’t have family who could help. I could cope on my own, I work in a well paid job now. I know if I try to leave him he’ll make things really difficult for me. I don’t even know how I would leave.

Bet he never asks about the child he was step-dad to. Ugh, he’s a prick. I’d be making plans to leave.

Luckyingame · 07/01/2026 22:09

Oh, another despicable, calculating, nasty piece of shit.
Honestly, a PP said it first, but I have been sick of men for a very long time.
Fortunately, I didn't fall for anything like this.
I would be walking away. Abortion is obviously not an option here, but, to be brutal, theoretically would be just the right answer to his cruelty. Bastard.

Namechangerage · 07/01/2026 22:09

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:04

Was I wrong not to do early morning with DSS?

No because DSS is not half your responsibility! You offered a day a week!!

This baby is half your DH responsibility - tell him to fuck right off and you’d rather do it all alone than live with a wanker with that attitude. What a prick.

nomas · 07/01/2026 22:09

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 22:06

He wanted a baby! For years and years he’s been asking. He would bring home baby shoes and say these are for our baby when we have one. He wanted me to have a baby girl and was so happy at the gender scan

Show quote history

He wants a child for his nanny to take care of. You are that nanny.

FairKoala · 07/01/2026 22:13

So why bother staying if you are going to do it all anyway.

EchoesOfOurDreams · 07/01/2026 22:21

Sorry you're married to an absolute loser.

CinnamonBuns67 · 07/01/2026 22:23

What a prick. I'm so sorry OP. You didn't do anything wrong by not getting up with DSS, DSS is your husbands responsibility and baby you are currently pregnant with is your joint responsibility. I'd reconsider if I wanted to stick about in that relationship.

Laura95167 · 07/01/2026 22:26

He did early mornings with DSS because he is the parent

You both should do early mornings with your baby because youre both parents.

And if hes using the fact he looked after his first to not look after this baby is awful

nam3c4ang3 · 07/01/2026 22:26

And you’re staying with the POS? Have some self worth for you and your daughter - this is a massive red flag.

outerspacepotato · 07/01/2026 22:28

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 22:06

He wanted a baby! For years and years he’s been asking. He would bring home baby shoes and say these are for our baby when we have one. He wanted me to have a baby girl and was so happy at the gender scan

Show quote history

He may want a baby, but he doesn't want to be a parent.

Contrarymary30 · 07/01/2026 22:29

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:04

Was I wrong not to do early morning with DSS?

Your H was obviously silently seething for all the years he was doing the EMW . I would have done some of them in your position to give him a break .

IkeaJesusChrist · 07/01/2026 22:30

Why are you having a baby with such a cunt?

ClareVoiance · 07/01/2026 22:32

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 22:06

He wanted a baby! For years and years he’s been asking. He would bring home baby shoes and say these are for our baby when we have one. He wanted me to have a baby girl and was so happy at the gender scan

Show quote history

He didn't want to do the childcare and he was looking for a woman to do the parenting for him. If it wasn't you, it would be another woman/his mum.

MrsJeanLuc · 07/01/2026 22:34

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:04

Was I wrong not to do early morning with DSS?

Oh you poor thing, what a terrible thing to say!

No of course you weren't wrong. Firstly DSS isn't your child. And secondly he wasn't a baby!

Your DH needs to give his head a wobble! Just tell him you expect him to pull his weight with the baby. And if he doesn't, just focus on your baby and let everything else go hang - don't do any housework, or cooking, or washing, or shopping.

HeyThereDelila · 07/01/2026 22:35

He sounds like an awful man. He should help equally with this baby because it’s HIS baby. Your step son was not your son- how does he not understand the difference?

Having your first baby can be so hard and lonely. If DH won’t parent equally you need to rethink this marriage. Don’t stick with him just because you married young: you deserve so much better.

PfizerFan · 07/01/2026 22:36

Why do so many people on this website end up with horrific men?

Spudthespanner · 07/01/2026 22:37

🤮 what an absolute loser he is

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/01/2026 22:37

PfizerFan · 07/01/2026 22:36

Why do so many people on this website end up with horrific men?

The obvious answer is that there are a lot of horrific men.

CamillaMcCauley · 07/01/2026 22:38

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 22:04

There’s so much stuff he said early ish in our relationship that came back to me when he said this.

He said he was a “stepdad” once with a woman with a newborn. He said he “loves all children the same, my own or others, I treat them the same”. Then he looked at me and said “you kind of treat DSS like yours but not all the time. Some people just can’t do it”

I don’t have family who could help. I could cope on my own, I work in a well paid job now. I know if I try to leave him he’ll make things really difficult for me. I don’t even know how I would leave.

You can leave, but your uncertainty about it is a big part of why he feels confident saying the kind of shit to you that he has.

Start getting advice from trusted sources about how to leave; a friend who has been through it, Women’s Refuge, citizens’ advice agencies. Your partner may not be abusive in your mind but he sounds controlling, which is a form of abuse.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/01/2026 22:39

I wonder why he split up with the mother of your DSS when he was so young??🤔

MagneticSquirrel · 07/01/2026 22:40

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 22:06

He wanted a baby! For years and years he’s been asking. He would bring home baby shoes and say these are for our baby when we have one. He wanted me to have a baby girl and was so happy at the gender scan

Show quote history

He wanted a baby, yes! But he didn’t want to look after it - not full time, definitely not doing the “hard” stuff. From what you post it sounds like he just wants more of his biological children around so he can “feel like a man”.

PP sums it up well … he wants a baby, doesn’t want to be a parent.

He doesn’t respect you at all. You need to leave.