DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

How long has he been sitting stewing on the resentment just waiting for his opportunity to serve his revenge? That's cold.

How long has he been sitting stewing on the resentment just waiting for his opportunity to serve his revenge? That's cold.

No of course not.

It sounds to me that your husband is getting his own back on you though.

I'd seriously be considering leaving him.

How many weeks pregnant are you?

What a twat he is. It’s like he’s trying to punish you. Sorry you need to tell him straight you did plenty for his ds and you love him so this comment is very hurtful I really hope he didn’t mean it as babies make or break you and he already trying to control the situation before it even happens good luck.

I am so sorry OP. This man doesn’t respect you, or live your life. He is the type of man who will be shocked when you leave, tell everyone you are crazy and difficult. Always nagging him, never happy.

This selfish, arrogant, sexist (and to be blunt unintelligent) behavior can’t have come out of the blue? What signs were there previously?

do you want to stay with someone like this? Think about what your daughter will see

He married you to get a bangmaidnanny and when he had to actually parent his son, he's resented you for that ever since.

He's more interested in revenge that you didn't do what your job was supposed to be than having a baby with you and expanding your family.

This relationship doesn't have a chance. This guy plays tit for tat and has no interest in parenting any of his kids. It also sounds like he's got a mean streak.

Well I think you now know why the relationship with his son's mother didn't work out. What a cock.

Abuse often begins in pregnancy. This is a huge power play while you're at your most vulnerable. Nip this in the bud. Meanwhile, make sure you tell your midwife.

If my husband had said this I'd have run a mile.

I'd tell him to fuck off you'll do it all without him. If he doesn't come back with "ah no I was joking of course I'll be a dad with my baby" then let him fuck off.

Couldn't be with a man who was looking forward to punishing me for being a normal step mum to his child.

Men often show themselves when you are pregnant. I wonder did this happen with his ex too?

He would come home to a pregnant me gone and I would show him ‘the money’ pack a case a move out. I would we saying then via email (paper trail with this one)
Dear Jamie
I have moved out whilst I reflect on our marriage.
I married you when I was reasonably young and you had a child you shared with your ex partner. I became a fully involved step parent who I love as much as any potential biological child. Your comment that I don’t is just awful and completely disrespects me, how much I love and have loved him, committing fully to him emotionally, mentally and physically exactly the same as you. This comment alone is unacceptable and vile.

You were fully involved in planning this pregnancy and for you to sit there and say that I’m 100% doing all the raising parenting of this whilst you are going to nothing for -our child at a time when I am most vulnerable is truly vile. Added in your sneering comments about wanting me to understand real tiredness and that aren’t going to contribute at all had made me reconsider my position. If indeed that is the case I believe we are better off divorcing now. I have loved you and support you and my step son since I met you and you have shown me your true colours.

Maddy

and then stick to it - he must either really prove he is going to parent 100% of the time or I’m serious do it alone

Men sometimes start abuse during pregnancy. My ex wanted a child, pressure to have one and made all sort of promises to scale back his hobbies, to nappy change etc
he didn’t do it once. We divorced when my youngest was one. I don’t regret it - one of the best things I ever did - tough yes parenting solely much easier than being married to him though

What horrible things for him to say.

Does he think he's this babies step parent? What a dickhead, I think you need to set him straight.

Your husband knows perfectly well that care for a newborn is a whole different ballgame than care for a five year old and there is no valid reason to make you take full responsibility for the newborn as “punishment” for stopping doing wakeups for your stepson after you had a medical episode.

I repeat, he knows this and he wants to do it anyway.

I assume this is not the first time his controlling and punitive side has raised its ugly head.

Time to make a difficult decision, OP.

Quite.

Storing up his resentment that his House Elf malfunctioned and biding his time.

Just a guess, he’s a sexist pig too?

I agree with this. This baby belongs to both of you! He has to help out. The step son already has 2 parents, that doesn’t include you! But this baby belongs to you both! He is going to punish you by not helping with the baby. You’ll end up splitting up as caring for a baby is very hard without support.

I'd say he thinks that all childcare is women's work & he wants to make her suffer because she didnt do enough of it for his child.

How old are you now op, and how old were you when you got together with this man?

Guessing you had guilt about your stepmumming because he was feeding you the idea. He’s awful. And it’s actually strange that the kid would go to you if he was hurt…how long did you know him before he started doing this? If it was after some time fine but it shows he clearly sees you as the primary caregiver when he’s at his dad’s.

why did the ex and him break up - what’s her side of the story?

he is awful awful. Twisting your brain on purpose - he’s saying something so illogical you almost HAVE to believe him, because it’s impossible to comprehend someone would have the balls to say this with a straight face if it weren’t true. But please be reassured, it is not, and he is a terrible person.

You would be best to say ok then…and just move out. If he’s said you’re going to be a single mum anyway you might as well get the benefit of living without a waste of space man!

he will never change.

You will come to resent him if you stay with him. You weren’t wrong not to do early morning wake ups as a step mum. Your partner sounds like a an absolute knob.

No she doesn’t.

How does one “over analyse” their husband telling them he’ll not being doing night feeds or early mornings” pray tell?

I’d say that’s pretty straightforward “he’s a twat” territory.

This - a transactional, point scoring, selfish arsehole

My question would be why did he split up with DSS’s Mum at such an early age? Was it because of this attitude?

If he doesn’t plan to help at all, I swear I’d leave and take myself off to my Mums, because you know he’s going to leave you to care for both children on your own while you are on mat leave…

He'll have to do 50% when you leave him if he wants to see his child.

Nope your not his biological parent. Its your dhs job to get up with him. Its also his responsibility to get up some of the time with this baby to.

What do you mean ‘help’?

Do you mean parent?

Your stepson already had a mother? You were not obliged to get up early with him. You were icing on the cake, not his parent.

Are you getting the feeling that this was why your DSS mother dumped him? He sounds
like a right selfish bastard to say such a thing about his new baby. And you.

Your DH is being a dick and you need to ask him if he wants to be a parent to your joint child or not. If he is opting out now then it sounds like he does not and you need to tell him that he either opts back in or you will leave him and do it alone. He can then have shared care and will find himself doing it all on his own time anyway.

On the other hand if you are breastfeeding you likely will be doing all the night wakes in the first months because that’s just how it goes. He should be willing to take over in the mornings so you can rest however.