DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

Echoing others - I’d walk away if I were you. Much easier to do now than in a year. Having a baby alone is daunting but nowhere near as bad as having a baby in a relationship with a man who is quite happy to watch you struggle while he refuses to do his half of parenting. That would completely destroy your mental health and self esteem.

Do you have parents / siblings around who would be supportive?

Wow. How to take your marriage in both hands and toss it out the window.

I never know why people who are horrible to their spouses can't see that they are hurting themselves too. They are doing themselves out of a good marriage as well as hurting their spouse.

Sorry, OP. If he doesn't step up as an equal partner, you don't have to stay with him. Like many men, he reckons you're trapped now that you're having his baby. Show him that it's not true and you will, and can, walk.

ETA: And my response to him saying that you don't love DSS as much as he does would be a sharp "Don't tell me how I feel."

Who says that to a person, they supposedly love, who is carrying their baby?!?

I would tell him he either helps as much as he can or you’d rather do it all on your own. He is the parent to both children - you were not.

No you were absolutely not wrong to not do the early wake ups with your DSS. That was his father’s job. Now you have a child of your own together then it is both of your jobs for this shared child - he can’t abdicate responsibility for his child with you because he thinks he parented his first child. What a horrible man!

Why did the relationship end with the mother of his first child OP? Perhaps you are stating to see why.

You sound quite vulnerable that you are doubting yourself about what you did for DSS. It was enough.

Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

You husband's a twat and I'm not surprised he's divorced/separated from his son's mum.

He did NOT do it with DSS; he only had DSS a percentage of the time post-separation from his ex, DSS's actual mother.

You offered to help, even though he already had limited contact time and you are not DSS's mother, and he declined.

Your baby is also his baby. And he needs to pull his weight and do his share with his child. It is irrelevant that you didn't 'help' with his DSS; that wasn't your responsibility. It was his and his mum's.

7am is a bloody lie in. DS 2 woke up at 5.30 most days and I bf for 18 months, so did all the early and late wake ups. DH did housework, shopping and cooking meals to support me, and took care of DS 1.

What? Excuse me but I never once said anything about abortion. Read my posts, and every other post apart form the one person who said to abort. Everyone is giving proper advice, and the OP ignored it all and only replied to the person suggesting abortion. That’s why I asked if she as paying attention to anything being said by the people who have experience with shitty men and long term marriages with useless fathers.

I said nothing about abortion. I wanted OP to take on board ALL THE OTHER ADVICE.

Dont tell him anything, let him come home one day to find you and your baby gone.

I’ll wait for your apology @Ihavelostthegame

If she leaves, the poor baby will be taken from her 50% of the time, have their life messed around with and made to live with him and his neglect 50% of the time instead. And darling ss will lose her altogether.

I don't often comment on relationship based threads but this is completely out of order. What did or didn't happen with your stepson should have no bearing on the raising of this child and you are being manipulated horribly.

Dss was not your child. You were 23yo and no surprise you didn't want to parent. Tell your DH that he doesn't get to impregnate you then turn round and say he's not going to help with the baby. If he didn't want to parent again then the time to tell you this was before you got knocked up. The resentment he will store up will ruin your relationship.

He sounds like a dick and the fact he's doing this now does not bode well for your relationship.

I wonder, along with many others I’m sure, why his relationship with the mum failed.

OP you will end up single at some point because only a total scumbag would say what he said. Might as well plan for it now.

I think you sound like a lovely SM, DSS is lucky to have you.

In your shoes, I would sit down with DH and say something like "I really hope you were joking when you said X, Y and Z the other day, because it's been playing on my mind and I'd like us to discuss what's really going to happen when the baby arrives. I need some reassurance that you're not actually expecting me to do everything, because clearly that's ridiculous and the last thing I need is to feel unsupported by my husband."

I hope he comes to his senses and is able to give you the support and reassurance you deserve.

Sadly you are right, this vile man has OP over a barrel. That's why he is doing it, he knows that she has no way of pushing back that wont hurt her & the children involved far more than it hurts him. He has all the power here.

Good god, what a scumbag.

Is he really going to sleep soundly while you're doing all the legwork? That will destroy your relationship.

So is she supposed to stay in a toxic relationship with a vindictive manchild, because it will (in your opinion) be easier for the children?

it doesn’t work like that any more, thank fuck. Women don’t have to squash themselves down to nothing because men can’t be expected to do better and a woman’s needs are bottom of the heap. Her child will need a healthy, happy mother most of all. And DSS isn’t her responsibility.

Sounds like a keeper! 🙈 is he always so passive agressive?

He is DSS parent. You are not responsible for parenting his child. His child has parents and you aren't one of them. You took on a huge role doing waking nights and looking after DSS during the day. It wasn't and isn't your job. Your partner clearly thinks you should have done more but he's wrong. You went above and beyond to support Jim with his child.

When you have your baby you are both the parents and need to be a team. I'd be very clear that he needs to parent and take on equal parenting responsibilities when he's at home or you'll leave him and he can take on those responsibilities during his contact time.

You need to have very firm boundaries because he's already taking the piss out of you.

I understand you love DSS. I don't like that he's weaponised your fear of DSS feeling left out or less loved against you. He wants you to feel bad si you do more and therefore he does less.

Unfortunately, if you end this relationship you have no rights to a relationship with DSS. Nor should you allow yourself you be used as a free babysitter in event of a separation. Your relationsip with DSS is entirely reliant on you having a relationship with your partner.

I can see why his ex throw him back in the pond.

Hi OP
You seem very young and immature.
This isn't a criticism but I think you are over thinking and overanalysing.
Take care OP and good luck for the future.
Step by step and stop over analysing

Sorry, is this his baby too? If so then he needs to take care of the baby and help.

DSS was not your child. The rule is that you only have to parent your actual children. Any step children, as your therapist said, only need you as an extra adult in their life, not as a main parent.

Your DH needs to grow the fuck up.

How long has he been sitting stewing on the resentment just waiting for his opportunity to serve his revenge? That's cold.

How long has he been sitting stewing on the resentment just waiting for his opportunity to serve his revenge? That's cold.

How long has he been sitting stewing on the resentment just waiting for his opportunity to serve his revenge? That's cold.

How long has he been sitting stewing on the resentment just waiting for his opportunity to serve his revenge? That's cold.