DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

Why are so many people using the word ‘help’ rather than the work ‘parent’

He won’t be helping with his child, he will be parenting.

Your DH is a petty, unreasonable cunt.

I'd be deciding if he's the type of man you wish to stay with. Being a single parent won't be any harder, given he has no plans to parent the child he created with you.

But he doesn’t want to. So he’s a non-starter as a husband and father. You can’t just tell somebody to want something. Far too many women waste their best years on men they think they can change.

Bluntly, your husband is a dick. This can't be the only ways he's shown it.
Take a close look.
🦆🦆🦆🦆

It's not "helping" he would be doing, it's parenting. I can see why his last marriage didn't work out, he sounds like a petty immature prick. Sounds like he's annoyed you wouldn't take over all responsibility for his child, even though they already had 2 parents
I vote abortion and / or divorce

He already had a baby with someone else, and that relationship went tits up - I can't imagine why....

I suspect there's no point telling this 'man' how his attitude makes the OP feel.

I’d be raising this with him. Tell him you feel he is very unreasonable saying he won’t be getting up with the baby as it’s your turn. I bet he’s looking at it like some kind of revenge as he was annoyed you didn’t give him a lie in for his child. I’d be telling him he will be doing his share or he will be doing 50-50 with another child as I don’t like the way he is approaching this one bit. He is already suggesting you won’t love his child as much and it’s no doubt all to do with the lie ins which is ridiculous.

I would reply "if we split over this you will be doing half the nights and half the early mornings anyway so you can decide if you want to stay with me and do half or go our separate ways and do half". This is not something you should back down on as it will set the tone for the whole relationship - you have to wonder if he was pulling his weight when his son was born?

No. Not your child = not your problem

He didn't do it all. He had his childs Mum doing likely more than 50% when the child was newborn and a second woman moving in to help when DC was small. If he wants to give you a genuine experience identical to his presumably he should be doing the majority when DC is newborn then finding a decent new partner to help you out 50% of the week once you seperate.

I imagine he latched onto you thinking you’d raise his child for him and now he resents you for making him be a parent.

What a dick. That’s really shocking.

You have been a great hands on step mother and he is the father of both children. Of course she should contribute to the parenting of his second child.

I suppose, since you'll be so tired, you won't be up to doing all the stuff for stepson that you do now. He can do all the running around.

Can your man count to two?
He has two children and you have one
He has to do the baby stage twice and you have to do it once.
Maybe he could accompany the new baby to nursery, he might learn something.

He's a selfish piece of shit who sees women as servants and children as an inconvenience. Real men change nappies and cook dinner. My dad did alll that and he was born in the 1930s, so don't let anyone tell you this is new shit, it's as old as the hills.

Oh my fucking god what did I just read. I’m so sorry you’re questioning yourself. You weren’t wrong, and your DH is being absolutely horrific. I’m so shocked, and really sorry for you 💐

He’s a horrible person ( your DH)

No because you aren't DSS's parent.

He is 50% of the parents that your baby has and is responsible for 50% of the work.

He us 50% of the parents that his son has - what percentage of the time DSS is with him will have been set by a court or agreed between DH and his Ex but DH is 100% responsible during that time and you are 0% responsible.

Your DH is clearly a really shit parent and it's a shame you didn't spot this before getting pregnant.

If he doesn't want any responsibility for children he needs to stop impregnating women.

Bit late for him to be telling you that now.

If he had no intention of parenting, he should’ve disclosed that before you tried for a child.

He has two choices. He either continues in your marriage as an equitable co-parent. Or you divorce and equitably coparent.

Either way, parents have to parent. If you don’t want to parent, use contraception.

His son is his and his ex’s responsibility, though it’s clear you love him and have helped raise him. But it wasn’t your responsibility to get up early with him on the weeks he stayed with his dad.

Oh gosh, my heart sank for you- he’s just shown you exactly who he is. What a shock.

the comment about knowing true love is despicable

He's been a part time dad. The only one in for a shock is him, he doesn’t get 50% of the time off this time. What a cunt.

I see that he waited for you to get pregnant before telling you this.

If you split to he'd have to do the waking up during his custody time.

I'd be too resentful if I stayed with someone like him.

Whether or when you cared for your DSS is irrelevant and the fact that you are questioning whether you did the right thing makes me concerned that you are in a coercive controlling relationship.

You are carrying this man's baby and, if he loved and cared for you, he would be planning to support you and looking forward to the pair of you working as a team to give your baby the best welcome into the world.

Instead this man is treating you like a child who needs to be taught a lesson. How dare he talk about turns like a ten year old boy? What a twat!

If the power dynamic in this relationship is such that you cannot tell him that he is behaving appallingly and that you fully expect him to work as equal partners across all aspects of caring for your baby, you should consider carefully whether this is a relationship you should continue.

You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. That is the opposite of what he is doing. I suggest you either read him the riot act or you leave him.

No. Both children are his and he needs to pull his weight rather than leaving it to his partner.

I’m not sure you should stay with him after what he has said.

Your DSS is his child who you love but ultimately its his child. The expected baby is your joint child, he is Dad, you are Mum and therefore the responsibility is joint, he cannot absolve himself and pick and choose when to be a Dad with her 1st child or the new baby.