DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

This op. He’s the parent of both kids, he needs to parent both. Your dss is his responsibility not yours. Ffs this man is a lazy POS - why are you with him again?

He married you to look after his boy
You were younger, mallable and with a obviously loving kind nature
But there were things he still ended up having to do
Tough cheddar and titty
What does he want, a medal?
I think you should work out some sort of exit for baby and yourself
You'd be better off away from this slack insensitive oaf

It is a shame you had to wait until you were pregnant to find out just how deeply he resents you and your failures to love his son sufficiently. I couldn't get over that.

no you did a lovely thing and mucked in and loved the little fella .

Sadly your OH thinks this is “ Your” baby and is being a total dick

id rethink the relationship on the basis of his revelation that he plans on not being a father or supportive husband

NO!!! And I say this as someone who did when my DSS was small.

your husband is an arsehole.

I’m sorry? She hasn’t failed in the slightest and clearly loves him a lot. Jesus Christ.

Well I guess now you know why his ex ended the relationship.
A famous lady once said ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’ and he couldn’t be clearer.
I think if you stay in the relationship you have to accept that you will be doing the donkeys work on your own, and no amount of tears or counselling will change him.
Make sure you return to work after maternity leave and keep a tight hold of your financial independence ❤️

not your responsibility

😲

And is actually being, and planning on continuing to be, a dick.
Now he has the little lady trapped, he can let her know what he thinks.

sounds like you were vulnerable when you met him and have stepped up above and beyond for DSS. The fact that your not so 'd'H want to punish you now and refuse to parent their new child is beyond abhorhent. I would encourage you to continue with your counsellor because they sound v useful and key to you building your self esteem and realising your worth. Oh and deffo ltb too.

no! not your child... dh attitude disgusting!

It is very important that you as the baby’s mother, who will be exhausted from the pregnancy, the actual giving birth, and giving almost 24 hour care to the child ( because you can never sleep deeply) have help and the chance to catch what sleep you can.

If he won’t do this you should if possible go back to your parents for several years if they would be willing to g to help.

By the way, you sound a very loving step-mother and I think it likely your DSS was lucky to have you. How old is he now?

If this is his outlook on something relatively trivial (or it should be an obvious shared load!) what will he be like with finances, housework, childcare etc?

I would really recommend listening to the ‘pregnant then screwed’ podcast.

Have you discussed the impact on your pension, career, lost income?

This attitude is a major red flag and timed for when you are extremely vulnerable. Protect yourself. I hope you have a strong support network.

he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn

Because all women are interchangeable, obviously.

Never mind it wasn't you that was the mother of his son. He's a twat OP.

What an unkind thing to say .
You need to tell him how hurt that he has made you feel.
It really sounds that you love your DSS and made him feel loved .
I think your husband needs to be told that having a baby together is a shared experience and he should want to help and bond with your new baby .

" I’d be more sad about losing DSS from my life if it came to that. "

That's exactly what these men hope for, they couldn't care less about the children just about who they can con into doing the hard work.

Bollocks to 50/50 BTW.

This. It's worrrying because I wonder how you'll cope if you have post natal depression.

Kick this 'man' out of your life.

He doesn't even like you, let alone love you.

Sometimes you see and understand exactly what a man did to end up divorced when you have a baby with him.

DSS is not your son. His dad was and is responsible for him, not you. So no you weren’t wrong.

Your DH is wrong to think he can leave the parenting of his second child, to you. What an utter prick.

Please get away from this nasty man.

And don't let him institute the two-for-one model. Whereby if you're at home anyway with your baby, you might just as well - hey, you'd be unreasonable not to - look after his at the same time. For free. While he works overtime/travels for work/plays golf/barflys.

Yes exactly. He is a cold hearted bastard OP. Have a sit down conversation and point out that you did do early mornings with DSS even though you didn't have to , and you offered to go back to doing it one day per weekend but he declined. So how does he justify deciding he won't help. If he won't change his attitude on this then yes you may as well leave really.

I wouldn't suggest not keeping your baby, but the piece-of-crap father? You might be better off without him. He can't just decide he doesn't have any responsibility to care for his biological child that he helped create. Sounds like you've done a lot for his son, so you have nothing to feel guilty about there.