DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

Point out to him that his Ds had his twin parents doing night feeds and early mornings.

Or just try to find a way to leave because il
bet a million quid this isn’t the only way in which he’s a twat.

two, not twin ffs!

*his baby

It's not the baby, it's not your baby - it's both of their baby.

I'd be telling him that he won't be 'helping' he'll be doing his half of the parenting.
Your DSS has 2 parents. Your DD will have 2 parents.

How long had you been in a relationship when you met DSS and how long were you together when you moved in? What would have happened if you had told him you wanted a relationship without living together until his DS was much older? Have you heard the term 'Nanny with a fanny'.

OP I rarely say LTB but I really think you should consider it. He’s a selfish twat.

This man only likes you for what you can do for him, that's it, he is going to ruin your post partum and newborn phase.
I would seriously look at leaving or at least staying with someone who can support you as a new mother for the first 6 - 8 weeks.

This man is using this baby to punish you op, do you want this type of man?

My guess is that his ex-wife is the one who really knows what tiredness is.

He s you what life be like with him OP. Leave or have a shit life 💐

This is absolutely no way I won’t be having the baby. I know people mean well when they say that.

I was 23 when I married DH. He was 27. So not a massive age gap. We have always had DSS 50% of the week, alternating weekends. So he did get lie ins. And like people said DSS didn’t wake in the night he just got up around 7ish.

If he won't parent your shared DC then I'd leave him and parent on my own as you will be doing so anyway. Make him pay maintenance for your shared baby too.

What an unkind thing for him to say to you. It's not your job to parent HIS child.

I'd be stamping right down on this, OP, and asking if he wants to be a part time parent to this child as well as that's where this will be heading.

I wonder why he split up from DSS's mother.

At least if you left him you’d get a bit of a break when he has the child (if he can be arsed that is).

You aren't the Mother of your step-son. It was down to your husband to parent his own child, and your counsellor is correct, you are there as a supporting adult. Your husband is the Father to your unborn baby girl, you didn't get yourself pregnant, and therefore he is equally responsible. He's an arse for not sharing at least some of the night times.

You know that niggling feeling you had that made you create this post... that will grow. You will resent him. It will end your relationship. Rightly so, he's horrible.

I think you need to attend couples counselling and discuss how you both signed up to become oarents together and that his role is 50%. You are a bonus step parent of DSS.

If he truly feels that way, he gets no say on the name, no say in anything at all. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate, shame your married really. As a step mum you aren't on the birth certificate, so if he wants a step dad role then that is what he can have. I'd be ending it if he doesn't treat this relationship as a team.

Fuck me. What a huge surprise his relationship to your stepson's mother broke down.

I'd honestly leave now over this OP. If you're going to spend your life feeling like a single parent then you may as well be one.

Are you taking anything on board that’s been said to you? Anything at all?

Because this man isn’t a good man. He isn’t a good father. And he is being really open about that with you. He has outright told you that you’re on your own, but he’ll still expect sex and cooking and cleaning.

Get out.

But you did until illness meant you couldn’t and, even then, you still volunteered to do one day (presumably per weekend). And it seems like you’ve been a great stepmother.

Your husband is nasty. I read your post out to my husband and he was shocked, saying your husband seems to be trying to punish you now.

I hope you’ll seriously consider your future with this useless, childish & vindictive man.

He will not get better. I think you should leave him- you’ll be doing everything forever and you’ll always resent him.

What a prick! If he's serious, you're better off without him.

Doing it all on your own while your partner is sleeping will have a huge impact on your mental health. You will be sleep deprived and resentful.

You need to be working as a team so I’m afraid it won’t work if you’re not taking shifts at night and turns to lie in. It’s not unusual for a new born to be up hourly in the night and then have an early wake up time. Imagine doing all that on your own?!

Perhaps it’s worth getting back in touch with your therapist to talk it all through.

Sorry you are going through this. Please try not to focus on what’s gone on with step child as it’s not the main issue here. A partnership
isn't tit for tat

You sound like a lovely Stepmum.
Your DSS was very much cared for by you by the sounds of it but it absolutely wasn't your responsibility to do all the night shifts with him. That is for his bio parents (unless you wanted to but zero expectation.)

Your DD needs both her parents to do night shifts as well. DP did 50% of his son's ones (while mum did the other it seems from your posts), he can do 50% of his daughter's ones....

I love DSS to pieces. I’ve always said I don’t want him to feel different to any children we had/have. I made him feel included when we told him he was going to have a baby sister. He was really excited. I would do anything for him and he knows this. His mum knows this too. Me and his mum get on well.

For him to weaponise that I didn’t get up with him or dint know what real love for a child is breaks my heart. I’d be more sad about losing DSS from my life if it came to that.

So he had a 50 50 arrangement with his ex and because you didn't volunteer to do half of his contact time with his own child, he expects you to do 100pc? That's completely illogical. He is trying to punish you. Which is disgusting given 1. He wasn't doing 100pc anyway 2. It wasn't your child, he had 2 parents already and 3. You couldn't have done 50pc anyway because you had a breakdown