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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my SIL is the most selfish mother ever

172 replies

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 15:32

SIL is pregnant with her fourth child. She lives in a two bedroom council flat and is on Universal Credit. From what we can tell, she’s only having a fourth because her youngest is turning three soon and UC will start pressuring her to go back to work.
I’m really confused about how she’s going to manage four kids in that tiny flat. Right now, the youngest sleeps in the same room as her and her husband, and the other two boys share a bunk bed in the second bedroom.
The thing is, and I would never say this lightly, she’s not a good mum. She spends most of her time on her phone while the kids run amok until she throws iPads at the,, and they’re really badly behaved- they can’t go out in public without causing a scene. Sometimes she even neglects them. Her oldest is six and honestly the most disrespectful kid I’ve ever met.
On top of that, she and her husband constantly ask my husband for money because they can barely afford the three kids they already have.
Her husband is a deliveroo driver and she doesn't work.
AIBU for thinking it’s selfish to be having a fourth when she clearly can’t handle the kids she already has and keeps relying on my husband for help?

OP posts:
MammaWeasel · 07/01/2026 15:38

I would remove the financial support for starters

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 15:38

MammaWeasel · 07/01/2026 15:38

I would remove the financial support for starters

He doesn't provide financial support regularly. The odd time he will agree, if it's a small ask. Most times he says sorry I can't.

OP posts:
SheSaidSheCouldButSheLied · 07/01/2026 15:39

Why doesn't her husband work?

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 15:40

SheSaidSheCouldButSheLied · 07/01/2026 15:39

Why doesn't her husband work?

I said in the post he does.

OP posts:
amber763 · 07/01/2026 15:49

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 15:40

I said in the post he does.

Why why doesnt he have a proper job though?

Youre not being unreasonable. Don't give them money.

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 15:50

amber763 · 07/01/2026 15:49

Why why doesnt he have a proper job though?

Youre not being unreasonable. Don't give them money.

Ex-felon

OP posts:
YourZippyHare · 07/01/2026 15:51

We have four children in a two bedroom flat... complicated circumstances, we expected things to be different but it's all we can afford right now.

She doesn't sound like 'the most selfish mother ever'... I've known/heard of far worse.

Obviously you don't have to subsidise her lifestyle, and should stop giving her money if you don't want to.

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 15:53

YourZippyHare · 07/01/2026 15:51

We have four children in a two bedroom flat... complicated circumstances, we expected things to be different but it's all we can afford right now.

She doesn't sound like 'the most selfish mother ever'... I've known/heard of far worse.

Obviously you don't have to subsidise her lifestyle, and should stop giving her money if you don't want to.

She neglects her children and doesn't spend any time with them, her youngest constantly has a full nappy hanging to the floor and my DH is constantly telling her to change it when we are around. I don't think someone should be having a 4th child when they don't even take care of the 3 they already have?

OP posts:
EchoedSilence · 07/01/2026 15:54

🥱

MrsDoubtingMyself · 07/01/2026 15:55

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 15:53

She neglects her children and doesn't spend any time with them, her youngest constantly has a full nappy hanging to the floor and my DH is constantly telling her to change it when we are around. I don't think someone should be having a 4th child when they don't even take care of the 3 they already have?

Report her to SS

ThejoyofNC · 07/01/2026 15:56

If you suspect there is actual neglect then you need to make a report to social services.

Other than that, this is none of your business besides the financial support which you need to stop immediately and tell them so.

Tryagain26 · 07/01/2026 16:00

MammaWeasel · 07/01/2026 15:38

I would remove the financial support for starters

And let the children suffer?
UC is not a huge amount. Anyone deciding to have an extra child just to get it will be disappointed.
I don't understand the point of these posts and hate the judgement that so many people are so keen to pass on these boards as they have no idea about the sister in laws motives or her situation

Mugcake · 07/01/2026 16:00

Sorry if you think (or know) the kids are being neglected you should report it, even to the oldest's school.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2026 16:03

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 15:32

SIL is pregnant with her fourth child. She lives in a two bedroom council flat and is on Universal Credit. From what we can tell, she’s only having a fourth because her youngest is turning three soon and UC will start pressuring her to go back to work.
I’m really confused about how she’s going to manage four kids in that tiny flat. Right now, the youngest sleeps in the same room as her and her husband, and the other two boys share a bunk bed in the second bedroom.
The thing is, and I would never say this lightly, she’s not a good mum. She spends most of her time on her phone while the kids run amok until she throws iPads at the,, and they’re really badly behaved- they can’t go out in public without causing a scene. Sometimes she even neglects them. Her oldest is six and honestly the most disrespectful kid I’ve ever met.
On top of that, she and her husband constantly ask my husband for money because they can barely afford the three kids they already have.
Her husband is a deliveroo driver and she doesn't work.
AIBU for thinking it’s selfish to be having a fourth when she clearly can’t handle the kids she already has and keeps relying on my husband for help?

Why isn't BIL a bad dad? You've just isolated SIL.

I agree that it doesn't sound like they should be having another child...but she doesn't make these babies alone.

Stickytoffeetartt · 07/01/2026 16:05

Are they all boys? Maybe she's hoping for a girl?sometimes that longing can be all-consuming.

Pancakeflipper · 07/01/2026 16:06

Tryagain26 · 07/01/2026 16:00

And let the children suffer?
UC is not a huge amount. Anyone deciding to have an extra child just to get it will be disappointed.
I don't understand the point of these posts and hate the judgement that so many people are so keen to pass on these boards as they have no idea about the sister in laws motives or her situation

I don't they mean remove UC, but for the OP to stop supporting the family.

I think you should raise a safeguarding concern if you are worried about the children. They can put in support and help the family.

HighlandChipmunk · 07/01/2026 16:10

Why are you targetting the mother? Surely the father is responsible too? If you think the children are being neglected you have to report BOTH parents.

illsendansostotheworld · 07/01/2026 16:11

Not sure why you are getting a hard time on here op, of course she shouldn't be having any more children, sound like she is neglecting the ones she has got. Everyone saying it's not your business, safeguarding is everyone's business. The 2 bed flat obvs isn't ideal but it's the rest of it that would bother me.

Autumngirl5 · 07/01/2026 16:12

Tryagain26 · 07/01/2026 16:00

And let the children suffer?
UC is not a huge amount. Anyone deciding to have an extra child just to get it will be disappointed.
I don't understand the point of these posts and hate the judgement that so many people are so keen to pass on these boards as they have no idea about the sister in laws motives or her situation

They are not OPs children and why should they subsidise other people’s children? If you can’t afford to have more children, use contraception. It’s not rocket science.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/01/2026 16:12

I would judge too if they don't have space / money /attention and already 3 kids.

suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 16:12

Tryagain26 · 07/01/2026 16:00

And let the children suffer?
UC is not a huge amount. Anyone deciding to have an extra child just to get it will be disappointed.
I don't understand the point of these posts and hate the judgement that so many people are so keen to pass on these boards as they have no idea about the sister in laws motives or her situation

She gets almost my monthly wage lol

OP posts:
suziequeue1 · 07/01/2026 16:16

Stickytoffeetartt · 07/01/2026 16:05

Are they all boys? Maybe she's hoping for a girl?sometimes that longing can be all-consuming.

Edited

No, one girl 2 boys. She's having a girl now and upset as she wants a third boy

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 07/01/2026 16:16

amber763 · 07/01/2026 15:49

Why why doesnt he have a proper job though?

Youre not being unreasonable. Don't give them money.

Don't shame someone for working as a food courier. I presume you do use food delivery services?

Maybe he would like to work as a van driver but didn't pass his test? Maybe he's not educated? Who knows. It's way better than nothing and it's not really him who's most at fault.

YourZippyHare · 07/01/2026 16:17

I guess my question is... what are you getting out of this thread? You don't like her, you clearly disapprove of her choices. Are her children actually being neglected to the point of needing a social services referral, do you think? If so, and you are genuinely concerned, then do it. Make that report. If not, just avoid her as much as possible, no need to stick the boot in.

Falalalalaaaalalalalaaaa · 07/01/2026 16:17

Poor kids. What a waste of an opportunity - she could be a fabulous sahm on UC, teaching them to read at the library, taking them on scavenger hunts and playing in the park. I really do agree - she is utterly selfish to neglect these children.

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