To think my SIL is the most selfish mother ever

[suziequeue1]

SIL is pregnant with her fourth child. She lives in a two bedroom council flat and is on Universal Credit. From what we can tell, she’s only having a fourth because her youngest is turning three soon and UC will start pressuring her to go back to work.
I’m really confused about how she’s going to manage four kids in that tiny flat. Right now, the youngest sleeps in the same room as her and her husband, and the other two boys share a bunk bed in the second bedroom.
The thing is, and I would never say this lightly, she’s not a good mum. She spends most of her time on her phone while the kids run amok until she throws iPads at the,, and they’re really badly behaved- they can’t go out in public without causing a scene. Sometimes she even neglects them. Her oldest is six and honestly the most disrespectful kid I’ve ever met.
On top of that, she and her husband constantly ask my husband for money because they can barely afford the three kids they already have.
Her husband is a deliveroo driver and she doesn't work.
AIBU for thinking it’s selfish to be having a fourth when she clearly can’t handle the kids she already has and keeps relying on my husband for help?

That’s appalling

Are you sure of her motives? I think I’d rather get a job than stay at home in a two bed flat with four brats just to get UC.

She sounds awful but people like her are sadly ten a penny. Her kids will grow up to be just as bad and the cycle will continue. I’m shocked that you’re shocked that she’d give any thought to whether it’s responsible to bring more kids into the world.

🤔

Thank you! My point exactly.

If you’re serious about the children being neglected, you need to report that. Beyond that all you can do is stop giving them money. Frustrating as it may be to witness, it’s not your business.

Yes because she has said before how when her second child turned 3 they started bothering her and she was glad to have just found out she was pregnant with her daughter as she doesn't want to work.

@FalalalalaaaalalalalaaaaWell no she couldn’t be a SAHM for long as UC only allows you to be out of work until your youngest is 3. Though I suppose she may just continue having more….

What's appalling?

Two separate issues.

Four children in a two bed flat can be just as cared for and loved as any other children.

Four children in a sprawling mansion with everything they could materially want can be just as neglected as any other children.

All the other stuff is a biscuit bait.

Then he needs to continue to say NO! And perhaps a call to Children’s Services is necessary as it sounds as though she neglecting the children…….you can do this anonymously.

Wow, that's awful on the poor baby. She may go again then 😮

I agree.
It’s heartbreaking to hear of the neglect of the 3 she has.

Why aren't you saying BIL is a bad dad who neglects his kids? Is it because he is the blood relative?

If you think they are neglecting their children report them both to SS.

Perhaps they believe they will be rehoused by the council if an additional child means they are living in a property too small for them once they have the baby.

How is he the blood relative? She is my husband's sister.
And because when the dad is home and not working, he always spends all his time and attention with the kids, unlike her.

Is your DH related to the dad or mum?

Anyway yanbu but not a lot you can do...

His sister is the mum

She can't get pregnant alone op, your BIL could always put something on the end of it, why are you placing all the blame on your SIL?
Why haven't you reported them for child neglect? Is it because you're only real concern is that she gets paid benefits.

Those aren’t the types of activities that long term non-working benefits claimants tend to engage in, sadly. There may be the odd exception but generally not. These kids are fucked obviously. Maybe if the neglect gets so bad that they are removed from the home they will have a chance but otherwise it seems unlikely.

The handouts of cash stop right now, you are not a loan shop. They are making their own very big mistakes & they have to learn a soft touch , such as yourselves will not always be in reach.
it is expensive enough for yourselves to live, so why are you giving money to someone who will never pay it back, They have there own problems & you have yours. But yours are growing exponentially, while they sit down & do nothing. If they sink then so be it, they are adults so they & only them must learn the hard way, They will scream & shout, guaranteed, but why are you supporting adults

The system seems frustrating (for onlookers)

If you genuinely have concerns of neglect then report to SS although in my limited experience I am unsure it would meet the threshold.

I guess they will go on a housing register for a bigger place but it will be a long wait.

Can he upskill ? ( security / taxi driver courses etc)

As for subbing them, only you know if you are able to do that (is buying the kids stuff directly a better option rather than hard cash)

OK you hadn't said in what context she was a SIL ie brother's wife or husband's brother's wife. So it is DH's sister. If the children are neglected this is on the father as well as the mother.

If you think their children are neglected then report them both. Why haven't you already?

I agree re cash. Maybe they can't afford nappies if your example the child has full nappies. Perhaps buy nappies instead of cash?

On top of that, she and her husband constantly ask my husband for money because they can barely afford the three kids they already have.

Don't give them any money and see them as little as possible.

Agree. Have the courage of your convictions @suziequeue1 . If you really think it’s neglect, report. If not, I don’t think you should use the word neglect.