To think my SIL is the most selfish mother ever

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SIL is pregnant with her fourth child. She lives in a two bedroom council flat and is on Universal Credit. From what we can tell, she’s only having a fourth because her youngest is turning three soon and UC will start pressuring her to go back to work.
I’m really confused about how she’s going to manage four kids in that tiny flat. Right now, the youngest sleeps in the same room as her and her husband, and the other two boys share a bunk bed in the second bedroom.
The thing is, and I would never say this lightly, she’s not a good mum. She spends most of her time on her phone while the kids run amok until she throws iPads at the,, and they’re really badly behaved- they can’t go out in public without causing a scene. Sometimes she even neglects them. Her oldest is six and honestly the most disrespectful kid I’ve ever met.
On top of that, she and her husband constantly ask my husband for money because they can barely afford the three kids they already have.
Her husband is a deliveroo driver and she doesn't work.
AIBU for thinking it’s selfish to be having a fourth when she clearly can’t handle the kids she already has and keeps relying on my husband for help?

Cut them loose and move on with your life. They won’t change and some of their kids will end up in the same situation when they are older. Honestly life is too short. Poor parenting and manipulating the welfare has gone on for years and whilst people can do it some will always take advantage. It will just frustrate you to sit and watch

Men with criminal records can get a job and earn very good money. That's not a good excuse.

Well she doesn't sound great but I'm not sure if people realise that on tax credits women weren't forced back into work when their youngest child was 3. Lots of women just can't manage children and a job. People on here moan about people claiming UC but it's so utterly crap compared to tax credits - which offered families a decent life.

UC has changed now maybe warn her. It’s now 12 months old they’ll start chasing her not 3

They both sound feckless and I feel for the children. You'd think with all that free time they'd at least be able to instil basic manners. Poor buggers.

Will the 4th child mean they can get a bigger flat from the council?

Felonies don’t exist in the UK. If you mean he has a record… so do plenty of people. A quarter of the UK in fact.

If you are aware of actual neglect you need to report it.

YABU unreasonable to blame the mother/woman, why not both of them? Why isn't your brother/BIL the most selfish dad ever?

The BiL is working, although in a job that may be part time and irregular and OP has said he’s a more involved father than the SiL.

Someone who states clearly that they are continuing to have children to avoid getting a job, which is what is the case here, is gaming the system and should be held to account. Six people in a two bed flat is going to be very cramped and if she continues to procreate to avoid having to get a job, will be untenable.

I think you and your DH need to distance yourselves OP and certainly not offer any more handouts. If the benefits she gets are almost the same as your wage , she’s got no incentive to look for work.

I agree that you should report them if you really feel the children are neglected. Otherwise, have as little to do with them as possible.

Why is your post all about her? What about the husband? He’s equally to blame here, why aren’t you talking about him?

(edited to correct as he isn’t your husband’s brother)

Why are you blaming her for having 4 kids......she didn't get pregnant on her own. Maybe instead of money you could buy her husband some condoms.

Have you got children, OP?

It doesn't sound ideal but can you and your husband help out more, maybe have the children round for tea or take them out or have sleepovers at yours?

It takes a village and all that...

Don't give them money, up to them what they do with their lives , however you sound very judgemental

I think you’re being negligent too. If you honestly feel the children are neglected, why haven’t you contacted anyone? WHO is standing up for them if their own family can’t?

He may be an involved father (which is basically a father) but he is equally responsible for this shitshow as she is. He has decided to father four children despite having a part-time irregular income. He's capable of saying 'actually we have enough children, with no where to put them, so we are not going to have another' or words to that effect. He could have put something on the end of it, but once again the focus is on the mother. The double standards on MN never fail to amaze me.

Social services is not going to care about anything the OP has written. It just doesn’t rise the the level of them caring. They don’t have the budget to intervene with ever shitty parent who gives their kids an iPad instead of playing with them.

It sounds like you just don't like her so tbh I'm not inclined to take you word for any of this. If you believe the children are neglected, do something yourself to help or report. Otherwise, it's not your business and you're just chucking damaging words about.

The BIL has fathered 4 children he cannot afford, and cannot sufficiently house. He won’t get a proper job and has a criminal record. But it’s all mum’s fault?

Misogyny. Maybe do better to hide how badly you love the patriarchy.

You should have the welfare of the existing children at heart, and raise a concern with social services right now. The family will hopefully be offered alternative accommodation due to overcrowding in their current flat. You shouldn't described BIL as an ex-felon, this isn't America. Presumably he has a criminal record, but this shouldn't stop him from working in a lot of different jobs. You sound very judgemental.

So the father isn't providing an adequate home despite being the sole earner, they don't have enough money generally and he hasn't had either a vasectomy or worn a condom. Why do you think it's all her respinsibility. She may be emotionally and fibancially trapped, have been poirly parented herself and worn down by lack of opportunity and confidence.

It doesn't sound like she's been dealt a great hand.

I know you want to be right on this point, it feels like you just want to accuse the OP of misogyny. She has explained why she is talking about her SIL only, she said when her husband is home he is not neglecting the kids. If you want to be constructive, maybe suggest that she makes sure the husband is aware of the neglect? SS are struggling, false claims are not needed.

Really shocked at these answers blaming the op or the husband who at least works and is hands on, anything to absolve a shitty mother,

Too many bingo markers to be real. Save your breath

They must be angling for a bigger flat as they can’t stay in a 2 bed flat with 2 girls and 2 boys.