To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

[Chlosbows]

My brothers girlfriend is 25, she’s lovely in many ways. She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away and she inherited a huge amount of money (I know the loss of a parent isn’t a privilege and is a tragedy, but many lose parents and receive no money or very little), so she owns a flat outright in central London worth over 1 mil (I only know as my brother told me).
She is very intelligent, has 2 masters etc.
She now works freelance, predominantly in translation services but also editing etc. She mostly translates academic papers, this seems to be made easier by her having good relationships with the universities she went to.
She earns well, especially compared to other translation jobs. I’m not sure if this is typical for someone with her education or otherwise but I do commend her intelligence.

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc. She is also forever talking about her expensive holidays, expensive skincare, how she couldn’t possibly go a month without a facial etc. I find it all a tad insufferable, she is nice, I don’t believe it’s bragging, I think she is just genuinely unaware of how privileged she is in someways.

I don’t feel I can have an open relationship with her as anytime I mention a part of my life I’m unhappy with she always tells me I must go freelance. Unfortunately in my industry it’s not as simple as going freelance, most freelancers earn a similar amount for more work and as I have a small child the unpredictability of work would make it extremely difficult. Whenever I tell her this she replies with something flippant like “when there’s will there’s a way”. I also mentioned to her that I want to learn to play piano, I was seeking advice really as I know she plays well. She brushed it off with well why didn’t you learn when you were young. My parents couldn’t afford music lessons! She went to an international school, had high earning parents who had the money and time to dedicate to her piano, ballet and tennis lessons when she was young, my parents were struggling to make ends meet when I was young (slightly different by the time my brother was born 7 years later).

AIBU to feel like she doesn’t know her privilege and to not want to do another 1 week holiday with her over Christmas. My brother doesn’t seem to see this, but he was born once my parents were earning more money and in many ways benefited from that (such as he was privately educated in secondary school where I wasn’t).

OP, this is Mumsnet, so will you find no support here, but yes, she obviously has privilege. She has grown up with numerous hobbies, an international school, and opportunities many children will never have.

She isn't doing anything wrong. That is the life she has always known. But for people on here to pretend she doesn't experience privilege due to her wealth and background is ridiculous.

It's hard for people who have grown up with wealth to understand that not everyone lives like they do and had access to the same opportunities. It's jarring for people who have not grown up with wealth to see someone who has had such a different life. I grew up 'posh' for my area, but ultimately very working class (grandparents were miners, public sector dad and mum worked in a shop, state school, no hobbies, art and theatre seen as a waste of money, etc) and I remember going to York Uni and my mind was blown by the concept of things like gap years in Asia, and 9k per term private schools. But equally, where I'm from, people's minds are blown by the fact I had a dishwasher and two bathrooms growing up 😂 It's hard to understand privilege without being on the other side of it. For example, I'm white, and will never know how it feels to be a black person.

She doesn't sound like she's bragging. It sounds like she is just talking about her life as she's always known it and lived it. But I think everyone should take the time to reflect on how significant wealth is in terms of things like educational and health outcomes. She has lost her mum young, but it doesn't negate the fact she has had a privileged upbringing. Equally, her privilege in that regard does not change the significant impact losing her mum at a young age will have on her mentally.

It's okay to feel frustrated that you couldn't access the same opportunities as her. It's okay to find it jarring. It's even okay if you privately feel a little bitter or jealous. Why on earth wouldn't you feel jealous if you knew someone had grown up with private schooling and inherited wealth, whilst you were never afforded the same educational and thus life opportunities, through no fault of your own? It won't feel very fair.

It's not however okay to blame her or take it out on her. You have no idea what her views are anyway. She may be privileged, but perhaps politically she is an advocate for underprivileged children, or she is passionate about children from poorer backgrounds being able to learn languages and study abroad? Who knows!

I do however believe we should all reflect on on our own privilege. Not only does it give you empathy for others, and helps you think of the barriers other people face in life, but it makes you more grateful for what you have. There will be things that make you privileged as well, OP.

She’s 25, maturity teaches you to take people all the ways they come and recognise their good points and tolerate the annoying parts. I’d just mosey along and make polite talk.

Amazed by all the criticism you’re getting OP about being ‘jealous’ (what happened to the useful word ‘envious’ by the way?).

It is very difficult - if you’re struggling with normal things like work and bills and financial insecurity- to spend time with people who are much more wealthy than you, & don’t have any of those worries, unless you are very close to them. This is particularly so if the wealth has been inherited not earnt. This just seems like an obvious fact to me and is generally recognised by very wealthy people themselves, & one of the reasons they give money to their children & don’t hang out with the cleaning staff at weekends.

Personally I don’t think it is healthy to be spending a lot of time with people much richer than you, unless you’re really fond of them, so without making a thing of it or being rude I would tend to avoid the girlfriend, at least until your own life is on an easier footing.

I also think it is foolish to assume everyone is heartbroken by the loss of parents! Reading these comments left me quite astonished by the degree of support some people seem to have received from their mothers! I know 2 people in different age who lost parents young (late teens, early 20s): one was devastated; the other appeared absolutely delighted by her large inheritance.

Is losing a parent and working hard to get a good job really privileged?

Please don't give up on your piano lessons dream!
My late mother was about to start piano lessons as a child in Warsaw when WW2 broke out... After Auschwitz, with no family, she arrived in London. She dreamed of those piano lessons - she & my father could not afford a piano for us either. For her 65th birthday we, her children, bought her a piano and arranged for her to have piano lessons. She said that after her grandchildren, this was the best present she ever received.
You might no reach top level, but if it's your dream and it's financially possible, don't give up

I get what you are experiencing OP, in that it's really tough when you've had challenging life experiences and others who have no insight act like you just haven't applied yourself enough.

What I'd say about your situation, is that she isn't your friend - and also that even if she is, that you need to take distance if what she is saying is leaving you feeling bad about yourself.

If she is your friend, you could also gently raise with her that you have a lot to deal with and need to focus on having time to process and look after yourself, but it sounds like this would just produce another talk about how you aren't doing it right so I wouldn't even bother to give her that.

As you get older you will accept people for who they are. She’s still young herself but she does sound quite grateful for what she has. Live & let live!

You think it’s unfair she’s got what she’s got but I’m sure she’d swap it all in a heartbeat to get her mum back.

Don’t compare yourself to her. She had a head start. We don’t all start from the same place. I had friends whose parents had bought them properties while we were still at uni. They would then judge others but there was no comparison as they’d come from a privileged place. I loved them anyway. I do remember feeling jealous of them when I was younger though.

.....and this is why you should never tell people about your finances.

I'm in a position that Commsnet would consider 'undeserving' as well. Like this poor woman, mine also came via other hardship. Not one person in my life knows the full picture and it will stay that way.

Why on earth wouldn't you feel jealous if you knew someone had grown up with private schooling and inherited wealth, whilst you were never afforded the same educational and thus life opportunities, through no fault of your own? It won't feel very fair.

A good life lesson is to accept that life isn't fair, never has been and never will be, much as we might strive to level out the playing field for the most disadvantaged in society. A second useful life lesson is that if you are jealous of what someone has, chances are you are not going to be jealous of how they got it, or what they have had to do to keep it.

I think that you probably also have very little in common with your DB's GF from a personality/interests perspective so I would hold back on trying to create a more intimate relationship with her. You can be pleasant and polite around her but leave it at that.

Your whole family seems very focused on someone else’s money OP, it’s very crass. Talking amongst yourselves about the amount of her inheritance, the price of her house and her income? I’d run a mile if I was in her shoes.

And you should never use the word “privilege” in relation to money acquired through inheritance. I shouldn’t even need to say that to be honest.

Maybe spend less time focusing on someone else’s life and more time on your own career etc. if you want to make more money? And I have never sat down and discussed difficulties in my life with a sibling’s young partner - it’s inappropriate.

The examples you've given don't seem like big issues - you could say something like "piano lessons weren't on family's radar as a priority when I was young. If I do start learning maybe we can compare our experiences learning as an adult compared to child".
The freelance one "yeah I guess so, maybe it's something I could revisit again in the future but right now need to prioritise the stability of a regular pay check to pay the bills".

And think about your conversation topics with her in future - don't "complain" to her or expect her to empathise with you over your different lifestyles.

It does sound like she has a nice life (glossing over the small issue of having lost her mother young) and if you are comparing your own more normal life with bills and childcare and money worries it can be easy to feel a little envious. But comparison is the thief of joy.

What does recognising her privilege actually look like to you? Is she never meant to talk about her travels? Is she not allowed to talk about her work? Does she have to launch into a disclaimer about how lucky she’s been every time she mentions something that may have cost more money than you have?
I honestly can’t imagine going through adulthood without my mum. A flat would be meaningless to me — I would want my mum.

I would suggest that losing a parent at a young age is much more challenging a life experience than not having the option to work freelance and your parents not being able to afford piano lessons.

Most people are unaware of their privilege - I'm sure you come across as insensitive in lots of ways too that you're not aware of. Your post just comes across as jealous. Her mum died, I'm sure she'd rather have her than a million pound flat. Nothing she has said sounds ill intentioned or cruel. People just talk from their own experience. Is she meant to pretend to be poor around you just to make you comfortable?

It’s a disgusting comparison isn’t it? The OP is taking all of her frustrations about her own life, her parents’ lack of support, and the difference in treatment between her and her brother out on this poor woman who by the sounds of it is an intelligent and self-assured individual despite dealing with the significant trauma of losing her mum at such a young age.

I really hope this woman wakes up soon and removes herself from this family.

It sounds like you find her a bit irritating - and who wouldn't find someone who couldn't possibly go a month without a facial a bit pretentious and annoying. Yes actually, anyone can go a month without a facial, literally anyone.

You are allowed to be irritated by anything you like and you don't have to go on holiday with anyone you don't want to.

But on here you'll get picked apart and gas lit to hell and back that you're a crazy, jealous, bitter, resentful cow.

You sound jealous. She sounds intelligent and hardworking. Can’t believe you can include privilege and death of a parent in the same sentence, this says a lot about you and your underlying attitude.