To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

[Chlosbows]

My brothers girlfriend is 25, she’s lovely in many ways. She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away and she inherited a huge amount of money (I know the loss of a parent isn’t a privilege and is a tragedy, but many lose parents and receive no money or very little), so she owns a flat outright in central London worth over 1 mil (I only know as my brother told me).
She is very intelligent, has 2 masters etc.
She now works freelance, predominantly in translation services but also editing etc. She mostly translates academic papers, this seems to be made easier by her having good relationships with the universities she went to.
She earns well, especially compared to other translation jobs. I’m not sure if this is typical for someone with her education or otherwise but I do commend her intelligence.

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc. She is also forever talking about her expensive holidays, expensive skincare, how she couldn’t possibly go a month without a facial etc. I find it all a tad insufferable, she is nice, I don’t believe it’s bragging, I think she is just genuinely unaware of how privileged she is in someways.

I don’t feel I can have an open relationship with her as anytime I mention a part of my life I’m unhappy with she always tells me I must go freelance. Unfortunately in my industry it’s not as simple as going freelance, most freelancers earn a similar amount for more work and as I have a small child the unpredictability of work would make it extremely difficult. Whenever I tell her this she replies with something flippant like “when there’s will there’s a way”. I also mentioned to her that I want to learn to play piano, I was seeking advice really as I know she plays well. She brushed it off with well why didn’t you learn when you were young. My parents couldn’t afford music lessons! She went to an international school, had high earning parents who had the money and time to dedicate to her piano, ballet and tennis lessons when she was young, my parents were struggling to make ends meet when I was young (slightly different by the time my brother was born 7 years later).

AIBU to feel like she doesn’t know her privilege and to not want to do another 1 week holiday with her over Christmas. My brother doesn’t seem to see this, but he was born once my parents were earning more money and in many ways benefited from that (such as he was privately educated in secondary school where I wasn’t).

I work in this field and i suspect she’s living off inheritance, as there simply isn’t the demand for that sort of editing and translation to earn anything like that kind of money. I suspect she does it because she enjoys it, like a
hobby job, and it earns her a bit of extra cash. She probably also prefers not to have to announce that she doesn’t need to work (and thus potentially alienate people).

And yes, you sound jealous. Her mother died ffs!

Why do we have to label everything as 'privileged'? I think people don't always know what it means.
This girl is not privileged. She just has a different lifestyle and perspective in life than you do.
She worked for education and her contracts didn't fall out of the sky.
How can you brush over the death of her parents like that? Absolutely awful for her.

You didn't say at what age she lost her mum - do you know?

The inheritance didn't give her 2 masters: it may have paid for them but she would still have had to work very hard to get them. She sounds very driven and like someone who doesn't let much get in the way of how she wants to live her life. It's easier to do that when you have money to protect you from the financial consequences of poor choices or missteps but I would just accept that she is someone who makes things work for her and would do so even without the inheritance.

Try to avoid engaging in direct or indirect conversations about money, privilege or opportunities with her as it will only leave you feeling as you do now. She may also fear you are surreptitiously trying to ask for financial help from her hence her batting you off somewhat brusquely when you talk about learning piano or achieving a work life balance through freelance. She is only 25 and navigating early adulthood without a mum so yes I get she comes across as tone deaf on occasions but maybe keep her at bit more of a distance so you can cope with her on those occasions when you have to be together.

I agree with others that you sound resentful, I think of your brother for benefiting from parents later wealth and then in turn I assume meeting wealthier types having gone to private school etc. That kind of resentment is very unhealthy, don’t compare yourself to your brother or his girlfriend. Your parents had the economic circumstances that they did and nothing can be done about that.
it can be hard having a young child and seeing a seemingly easy life for someone else at a time when you are under financial pressure, lack of free time and more tired than you have ever been.
Maybe she’s annoying, but are you making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be? With a 7 year age gap with your brother surely you aren’t in each others pockets, you don’t need a close relationship with his girlfriend. Be nice when you see her and the rest of the time don’t give it so much thought, same as most people with a SIL or BIL.

Jealousy springs to mind?
This young woman has lost her mother early in life. No amount of cash can make up for the loss of a parent.

Maybe refrain from having the type of conversation around money/lifestyle etc, as it’s clearly grating on you.

She doesn't sound very self aware OP that's for sure.

I would feel a bit sorry for her, she may be academic but she's not very emotionally intelligent. She's still young though so cut her some slack.

At 25 I had settled into to my professional job, was earning decent money and had just bought my first house. Most of it I’d done under my own steam although my parents helped with my house deposit. Life was good but I’d moved from my university network of similar qualified friends to a much more diverse social network.
Either my professional/uni network it was normal to have several holidays a year sun, skiing, activity. Looking after yourself was obligatory so facials, hair, waxing and spa days were part of our social calendar. I soon found out how the other half lived after being cocooned in an ivory tower for 5 years.

It sounds like your DBs gf has yet to mix with the masses and realise that not everyone lives as she does, but that’s not her fault. It’s an accident of birth and your reaction to her says more about you than it does about her.

I lost my DM when I was 30 and my DF when I was 39. Life changed immeasurably. I learned to be happy again without them but there was probably a period of time where life was pretty empty and I wasn’t really aware of the opinion or feelings of others. You go through a period of emotional numbness, steering conversation so it doesn’t trigger the emotions that lie just below the surface. You become an expert in directing conversation to benign shallow subjects so that you are not exposed.

I hate Mother’s Day and will make an excuse to leave a conversation if it crops up. Because I don’t wear a badge saying “orphan” when I was younger very few people knew my “orphan” status, it’s not something you use to introduce yourself. But you do find yourself talking about anything and everything, sometimes without thinking it through, in order to reroute the conversation.

You don’t say what you do for a living op. Maybe your DBs girlfriend is tactfully aiming the conversation topic so you are comfortable with the subject. Clever people are often very aware that their conversation can go straight over the heads of many people so often talk about generic girly/boy stuff if they consider their usual topics of conversation would be over the top. Talking about facials and beauty products is quite safe in the same way football or cricket is often common ground.

You sound very young and jealous . That stupid phrase ‘ know her privilege’ . Really irritating .

You don’t sound very nice. She’s educated, young and childfree of course she spends her money on fripperies. I recommend that you speak to someone about the unequal treatment between you and your brother as I suspect that is the root of your problems.

I’m afraid you come across as very money focused and jealous as hell and that jealousy is what’s stopping the relationship. She’s done nothing wrong. Is doing nothing wrong. You’re going to have to ger over the fact some people have more than you.

50 grand a year for freelance academic translations, and a bit of personal writing at age 25? That doesn't add up..

She is one of those people who are relentlessly optimistic about things being possible because her upbringing and financial status now cushion her from the sort of obstacles us lesser endowed people face.

I know someone whose mum had died when she was younger and she seemed very "privileged" too. But she had no mum, and she herself carried the "Angelina Jolie gene" that had killed her mum. She had a double mastectomy in her mid-twenties. She had children with the help of preimplantation genetic testing, and had her ovaries removed to reduce the risk of her dying before she's 50.

You never know somebody's whole story.

My parents didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up. My mum was a dinner lady and my dad worked in a factory. My sister asked for a keyboard for Christmas and taught herself to play on a little Casio using a book she'd bought with her Christmas money. She asked for a bigger one the next year and got a larger Yamaha one. Buy your child(ren) one and teach yourself. :)

"She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away"

Wtf op??!!!

I think this says it all actually.
The greatest privilege you can have is good health!!

You seem very envious of her. Even jealous. Which is bizarre as she has no mother. Maybe you need to have a think about why you feel the way you do

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc. She is also forever talking about her expensive holidays, expensive skincare, how she couldn’t possibly go a month without a facial etc. I find it all a tad insufferable, she is nice, I don’t believe it’s bragging, I think she is just genuinely unaware of how privileged she is in someways.

Do you talk about your mother in front of her?

OP
Life often serves hard lessons which teach humility. It will happen in time. She is young. Maybe just choose conversation with her more carefully

Wow, what have I just read? Bitter jealousy just oozes from your posts, OP.
And I'm not an expert on prices of flats in central London, but I wouldn't have thought a million pounds would buy something really nice.

You are not being unreasonable in that it’s not her freelance translation job letting her live so carefree! It’s her inheritance! I’ve worked freelance translation and it pays a pittance. Good money at 22, but could not sustain rent/mortgage or family without a lot of hours.

You are being unreasonable to feel jealous, but it is not unreasonable to question wealth inequality more broadly.

There are lots of people like this and not much you can do. I always feel that they haven't really evolved to be fully rounded people yet. I think it's ok to be privileged. There will always be privileged people; however, I do think the ones who don' t have a more balanced, clearer understanding of the nature of life for ALL people are somehow a little narrow and underdeveloped intellectually.

I thought it as her brother's girlfriend not her son's...

I can see why other posters can think you may be a bit envious but as you say she lost her parent which is not something to be envied and also I can see why people who seem to boast and have no self awareness can be annoying. Maybe don't tell her you're not happy if you don't want her to make suggestions. You don't have to be her friend if she's not your cup of tea.

A bit green with envy, it sounds like, OP. Why whip yourself up into a tizzy over her braggart ways?

I think losing your mum is a pretty big obstacle to overcome, regardless of your financial status. It’s amazing how when someone has money, others are so quick to be dismissive and lack sympathy because ‘they have money, what can they possibly moan about.’ Maybe she’s optimistic because she’s realised pretty quickly and prematurely for that matter that life can be short