To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

[Chlosbows]

My brothers girlfriend is 25, she’s lovely in many ways. She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away and she inherited a huge amount of money (I know the loss of a parent isn’t a privilege and is a tragedy, but many lose parents and receive no money or very little), so she owns a flat outright in central London worth over 1 mil (I only know as my brother told me).
She is very intelligent, has 2 masters etc.
She now works freelance, predominantly in translation services but also editing etc. She mostly translates academic papers, this seems to be made easier by her having good relationships with the universities she went to.
She earns well, especially compared to other translation jobs. I’m not sure if this is typical for someone with her education or otherwise but I do commend her intelligence.

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc. She is also forever talking about her expensive holidays, expensive skincare, how she couldn’t possibly go a month without a facial etc. I find it all a tad insufferable, she is nice, I don’t believe it’s bragging, I think she is just genuinely unaware of how privileged she is in someways.

I don’t feel I can have an open relationship with her as anytime I mention a part of my life I’m unhappy with she always tells me I must go freelance. Unfortunately in my industry it’s not as simple as going freelance, most freelancers earn a similar amount for more work and as I have a small child the unpredictability of work would make it extremely difficult. Whenever I tell her this she replies with something flippant like “when there’s will there’s a way”. I also mentioned to her that I want to learn to play piano, I was seeking advice really as I know she plays well. She brushed it off with well why didn’t you learn when you were young. My parents couldn’t afford music lessons! She went to an international school, had high earning parents who had the money and time to dedicate to her piano, ballet and tennis lessons when she was young, my parents were struggling to make ends meet when I was young (slightly different by the time my brother was born 7 years later).

AIBU to feel like she doesn’t know her privilege and to not want to do another 1 week holiday with her over Christmas. My brother doesn’t seem to see this, but he was born once my parents were earning more money and in many ways benefited from that (such as he was privately educated in secondary school where I wasn’t).

I think whatever line of work you’re in, there probably is a way to become self employed. Some paths and sectors would be much harder than others; I’d say hers is quite an easy one and she has very little risk. You might be in a different sector where working for yourself would require a large business structure etc; that’s not to say it’s impossible..

You sound like you aren’t happy with your career tbh. Food for thought!

I agree with pp she is young and doesn’t have much wisdom to share so probably stop sharing so much with her.

I swear you're the same poster who pops up every few months changing details about your stepdaughter, even the way you write is similar. She lost her mother and lives in a million pound house in London.
If you're not, I'll say the same, jealousy will eat you alive.

@Chlosbows I think you should tell her straight off; "How lucky for you- I couldn't afford facials/whatever." And if she talks about that all it takes is to "want something to happen" you can say that she ought to tell that to your friend with cancer who wants to get well or your friend trying to have a baby with ivf. She's very tonedeaf and would benefit from someone gently making this clear to her.

Or... she is grieving and tries to convince herself that she's happy by consuming.

She says she is lucky to be freelance so that suggests she recognises it’s not an option for everyone.

Would you rather she sat around being bitter and miserable about losing her mum?

Asking for her advice on how you can learn the piano was a bit weird, what did you think she would say?

I think you are projecting a lot and this is more about your envy than her behaviour. She sounds a bit thoughtless but most 25 year olds are!

Blah, blah, blah "privilege"

It's just pure jealousy on your part OP, which is fine and possibly understandable but doesn't make her "insufferable"

You sound very jealous of her and should probably try to avoid her for both your sakes.

I think there is always a danger in only comparing yourself to people with more than you. I’m sure to many people, you are privileged and may talk about things that seem normal to you but mark you as out of touch to those who can’t access them.

Any post, sentence or statement that makes reference to someone's 'privilege' really grinds my gears, as its generally from someone with a chip on their shoulder.

I also lost my Mum when I was still in my 20s and nothing surrounding that loss could ever be described as a privilege.

I know two women who lost their mum. One was 14 the other 20. At 25 they were both into facials etc. bubbly and a bit empty headed but they were single and enjoying life.

They both married and became mothers it's now the loss has raised its head more. The youngest started counselling at 35. The older one has been working through it alone.

It's no picnic for either of them. I think their youth, university, exciting lives just masked the loss.

Everything is about perspective.

I lost my grandparents at 16, my mum at 18 and my dad a few years later. My mum had a chronic illness so I spent a lot of my time with grandparents who were like a second set of parents to me (hence their loss hurt). I grew up below the poverty line. I was a victim of domestic abuse and became homeless with 4-month-old twins as a result.

Woe is me, huh?

Despite all that, I actually consider myself quite privileged.

Despite my poor childhood and my unwell mother, I was very loved and had a very happy and stable childhood where my needs were prioritised and my dreams encouraged. That in itself is a rare gift many children don’t have. I had no idea we were poor (it was an impoverished community) until I left home. I never went hungry and never realised how much of a worry money was because my parents shielded it from me. I was the first to go to university. I benefited from a grant in those days and was able to pursue a graduate career as a result. When my dad died, my family’s years of careful accounting meant I got a modest inheritance that while peanuts to most on here meant I had a small deposit to buy a house - something which would have been out of my reach otherwise. My experience of DV allowed me to develop my career further, the lived experience informing my strategic approach in a way o doubt I’d have if I hadn’t gone through it first hand.

I have two wonderful, well-adapted adult children now, a great career, a house I (mostly) own and a wonderful DH. I think I’m one of the luckiest people alive, but I could paint a different picture if I wanted.

The point I am (ramblingly) trying to make is that sometimes when you feel lucky you can accidentally say so in a way that sounds smug rather than uplifting as you intend. At 25 this young lady sounds like she’s doing this rather than being blind to privilege. It sounds to me that she is well aware of how fortunate she has been in some respects and might be trying to downplay her position with an “if I can do it, you can too” attitude which is meant to be supportive but can sound a little bit blind to other people’s barriers. I was probably much the same when younger. At least she’s straying on the Pollyanna side rather than the poor me side.

She lost her mum young and that’s something that leaves a mark, so when you feel she’s being a bit insensitive just focus on that and remind yourself shes still very young - it sounds very much like her heart is in the right place and she’s a nice girl actually.

I don't think you're being completely unreasonable, and I don't think she is either.

You just have too many differences to warrant spending a week on holiday together.

She has to navigate the rest of her life without her mother... any children she has will never meet their maternal grandmother and she will have to navigate postpartum without her. Her mother will not see her graduate if she gets her PhD. I'm sure the means to afford a monthly facial makes up for that...

There’s something about this whole “they need to check their privilege” stuff that feels
like you just want someone to be brought down a peg or 2.

She sounds motivated and she’s working/looking at doing a PhD despite having the inheritance so she’s not some brat sat on her arse milking it. She shouldn’t have to apologise for having received money. And I suspect her attitude around staying positive is in some way influenced by coping after the loss of someone so important to her. I think your lack of empathy regarding the loss of her mother is awful and ironic given your comments about her.

She sounds lovely, and brave to be making such a success of her life with her early disadvantage.

Do you recognise your privilege OP? I hope that you are careful about enthusing over something in front of someone less fortunate than yourself.

Just realised that - sorry OP.

It’s just someone at a different stage in her life to you. I recall when some old friends of my husband crashed our anniversary dinner and I thought the women were deeply boring chatting about their kids and suburban lives. We had nothing in common. Fast forward and it would be different now. It’s good she can enjoy her life after such a hard knock so young and as I say I suspect the rapid evolution of AI will overtake the demand for such services even at the most technical levels within to the near future. You don’t have to enjoy her company but she isn’t doing anything wrong from the sounds of things.

OP couldn't even have piano lessons as a child as they were too poor, but by the time her brother came along, they could send him to private schools for better education and connections and life chances.

I don't blame her for being 'jealous' as some are calling it. I don't think she's jealous personally; I think she's in a position where she can clearly see that people who didn't go without, compared to others and even siblings, as she did, can absolutely feel how tone deaf those 'with' can come across.

I'm sorry, OP. Your brother's girlfriend DOES sound completely tone deaf as to how cushy her life is: she grew up privileged and she continues to be privileged due to inheritance with a fully paid off expensive home in a prime location in the country, no worries about money or bills, the ability to go as many holidays as she likes and work when she likes at particularly well-paying jobs. These are not things most people have early in life. Yes, she lost a parent. But so do many people who inherit nothing or it all goes to the other parent in the interim. It doesn't.

Your brother doesn't see it either as he got to go to private schools and no doubt make better connections, including his girlfriend, and will likely have an easier ride in life. Don't suppose your parents have tried to help you to make up for your very unequal starts in life?

A lot of young adults just like talking about themselves tbh. They are wrapped up in their own lives.
I'd find constant talk about expensive holidays, skin care and facials really boring. We all have different interests, which change over time and as we get older. Just be polite and don't bother talking with her about aspects of your life you are unhappy with. Save those talks for someone who can offer productive advice ( if that's what you are looking for).

If it's feasible, don't engage with her too much. Don't share any ambitions, woes, etc with her. Keep things on a very general level with her.

She's been very lucky and is who she is. I've encountered many people who've been to international schools. My friend teaches in one and her sons went to one. They are taught to be ultra confident, not modest, ambitious, etc.

She just sounds like a normal 25 year old to be honest, chatting about what skincare she's using, what holidays she's going on while having different priorities to you and perhaps being a bit very slightly naive about some of the realities of life.

My much younger cousin asked me at Christmas why I didn't buy a Mini if I've always wanted one, whereas I am currently struggling to run my clapped out old Ford. Young people in their 20s do something think a bit more short-term, in the here and now, and focused on what they want. And good luck to them.

Let them enjoy their facials and their holidays and their lease cars while they're young, because mid- to late-adulthood is a relentless grind for most people, whether that is financial, raising children, health problems, or whatever it may be.

She mostly translates academic papers, this seems to be made easier by her having good relationships with the universities she went to. You what?

If you don't understand her work you've no right making statements like this.

2 masters degrees at 25 is no mean feat. She lost her mother ffs!

Grow up before your jealousy eats you.

It could be without a mum she hasn’t had good role models to teach her how to be more sensitive and read the room.

Spend less time with her if you can get away with it but give her a break. I said some silly and insensitive things in my 20s and learned with age.

You may think she is privileged but as others have said, losing your mother at that young age is very tough. She must have worked hard to get the career she has and that shows dedication. Surely you can give her credit for that?

Young girl? She's a 25yr old professional woman!

In most cases if you are born into a privileged life , that carries on through life unless there is some disaster that happens , and yes loosing your mum at that age is a disaster . I was the same age as that when my dad died , but I didn't receive an inheritance from him .
But in life there are the haves and the have nots and she falls into the former . Be pleased for her and if her relationship works out with your db , he will probably become a have as well .