To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

[Chlosbows]

My brothers girlfriend is 25, she’s lovely in many ways. She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away and she inherited a huge amount of money (I know the loss of a parent isn’t a privilege and is a tragedy, but many lose parents and receive no money or very little), so she owns a flat outright in central London worth over 1 mil (I only know as my brother told me).
She is very intelligent, has 2 masters etc.
She now works freelance, predominantly in translation services but also editing etc. She mostly translates academic papers, this seems to be made easier by her having good relationships with the universities she went to.
She earns well, especially compared to other translation jobs. I’m not sure if this is typical for someone with her education or otherwise but I do commend her intelligence.

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc. She is also forever talking about her expensive holidays, expensive skincare, how she couldn’t possibly go a month without a facial etc. I find it all a tad insufferable, she is nice, I don’t believe it’s bragging, I think she is just genuinely unaware of how privileged she is in someways.

I don’t feel I can have an open relationship with her as anytime I mention a part of my life I’m unhappy with she always tells me I must go freelance. Unfortunately in my industry it’s not as simple as going freelance, most freelancers earn a similar amount for more work and as I have a small child the unpredictability of work would make it extremely difficult. Whenever I tell her this she replies with something flippant like “when there’s will there’s a way”. I also mentioned to her that I want to learn to play piano, I was seeking advice really as I know she plays well. She brushed it off with well why didn’t you learn when you were young. My parents couldn’t afford music lessons! She went to an international school, had high earning parents who had the money and time to dedicate to her piano, ballet and tennis lessons when she was young, my parents were struggling to make ends meet when I was young (slightly different by the time my brother was born 7 years later).

AIBU to feel like she doesn’t know her privilege and to not want to do another 1 week holiday with her over Christmas. My brother doesn’t seem to see this, but he was born once my parents were earning more money and in many ways benefited from that (such as he was privately educated in secondary school where I wasn’t).

I read the first paragraph and can see that you are green with envy.

Your simmering jealousy is awful.

So what you are saying is she shouldn't talk about her life because its upsetting to you because you aren't as priviledged. Instead she should stay silence so you don't have to listen to it. Its not fair that you have to listen to her talking about nice things she's done because you are jealous.

I hope you apply this to all situations and make sure if you are around anyone poorer than you, you don't mention that this week you went into M&S and bought a fancy dessert because you fancied it. I mean how do you know you aren't talking to someone who has just been to the food bank. Maybe you should invent a trolley cover so no one gets upset at your fancy shopping this week.

Life's not fair. Its annoying but seriously get a grip.

Why did you feel the need to mention that to her? To try to get one over on her?

Instead of focussing on what she has, focus on what she doesn’t have. She doesn’t have a Mum, she doesn’t have steady work, she works in academic translation where there won’t be any work within 2- 5years (I’m working with several tech companies that are working on that specific problem). A 1m property in central london also isn’t the draw it used to be any more unless you’re able to live there, which it sounds like she can’t. So she’s probably renting out to rent out and doesn’t have her own home. If you have all those things then you should just consider yourself lucky.

Interesting that you frame the situation as her being privileged rather than you being jealous!
I lost my mother at a similar age, and also inherited a substantial sum. Her early death has defined my life in many ways big and small. I’m now not far off 60 and my friends are losing their parents to dementia/cancer etc. they’ve had 35 extra years of having a mother, a grandmother for their children, a family matriarch. I suspect she, like I would trade all our “privilege” for having had a mother around till we were middle aged ourselves!
Comparison is the thief of joy OP, jealousy is a horrible attribute.

I don’t feel I can have an open relationship with her as anytime I mention a part of my life I’m unhappy with...

You sound bitter and begrudging. Why are you moaning to an acquaintance about your unhappiness? That isn't something they need to hear.

You sound consumed with jealousy and attribute everything to the fact this woman had money and you didn't. I grew up in absolute poverty, without a mother, and am now pretty well off through my own efforts. But it comes across that you'd rather wallow in self-pity and expect sympathy from those who are richer.

What do you mean unless you are able to live there? She does live in her flat? And while the industry as a whole may not have long left she’s doing very well by it right now alongside editing work and some personal writing. I wouldn’t say she feels her work is unstable right now.
She’s in the Philosophy, Ethics and Literature world and despite it being generally viewed as not very lucrative she seems to be doing extremely well. My brother makes 50k and he’s told me multiple times she earns more than he does.

I'd have to phase her out tbh

She sounds awful

Bitter nonsense. Focus on the fact that she's wealthy, successful and high earning and living a lifestyle many people on here can only dream of. None of that makes up for losing her mother but good for her.

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc

Sounds like she absolutely does know her privilege and openly acknowledges it.

What else is she supposed to say?

Your callousness about the loss of her mother at a young age is extremely cold and dismissive.

It's all Relative though isn't it. You see her as privileged, others would say YOU are by comparison with their lives.

Do you ensure you keep this in mind in conversation with others?

Your brother’s girlfriend is young and perhaps a little self absorbed but so are quite a lot of 25 yo. It sounds as if she works hard and hasn’t frittered away her inheritance. Your sound quite envious and dismissive of her - suggesting the reason she gets academic translation work is because she went to those universities. I would imagine if her work was below par and she was late with deadlines, etc, they wouldn’t avail of her services. Would you not agree ?

She probably senses that you don’t particularly like her and snipe at her, hence her asking why you didn’t learn the piano when you were younger as you probably used a poor little me voice and said something like, oh I’d love to play the piano, like you.

Your don’t like your brother’s girlfriend, lucky for you you don’t need to have a relationship with her, other than a little chit chat at family gatherings. If you’d prefer not to holiday with her, then don’t.

She’s 25. That’s not an age group that is well known for always being completely mature, well rounded, having their shit together and understanding that not everyone has the same life as they do. For her, her education and her lessons etc have all come very easily to her (I’m obviously not including her inheritance in that comment), so she’s never had to find a way to do anything, regardless of will. And if she’s never been around anyone who is hard up, then I doubt she’d have any real understanding of poverty. Does she even know that your parents finances didn’t improve until later in life? If not, and she’s aware your DB was privately educated, she might think that your parents always had the cash for things like that. Or she might think that being poor meant having to have your ponies on loan, rather than buying them outright. That doesn’t make her a bad person, just inexperienced.

And with the things she buys, or the lovely holidays she goes on, then be happy for her. Her having that buying power doesn’t detract from you. It doesn’t sound like she’s using them to demean anyone else. She also sounds like she works pretty hard for her income, so good for her for enjoying it. I’ve got a couple of rich friends and I live very vicariously through their holidays and handbag collections. If she tells you about a £200 pot of Crème de la Mer or a weekend trip to the Bahamas then be pleased for her. Ask her about it. Show interest in her life. I expect she’d trade it all in an instant for a pot of Nivea and a weekend in Butlins to have her parents back. And if you tell her about your life and she says something daft, then be open with her. Tell her your mum and dad didn’t have the money. Tell her you can’t think of any ways to organise a regular income for your DC.

You don't like her - I might find her a bit of a PITA too.
So just minimise your contact with her and stop telling her your wishes & dreams if she just pisses all over them.

Well your brother should keep his mouth shut and not be bragging about her girlfriend’s income (for all you know he’s exaggerating anyway). Sounds like you’re envious of her and your brother thinks he’s landed on a goldmine.

I also mentioned to her that I want to learn to play piano, I was seeking advice really

I'm not sure what advice she could give you other than, 'get a piano teacher'! That's what I would say to someone if they asked me. I couldn't recommend mine as they are long deceased and would love miles away anyway.

You sound very jealous and I'm not sure telling her that AI would probably replace her job in a few years was terribly kind!

@Chlosbows think you should worry more about increasing your earnings than other people who have more than you as they’ve lost their mum at a young age…

no, of course you don’t have to spend tonnes of time with someone you find irritating.

You sound resentful of how you grew up and her lifestyle and jealous and I suggest you do some work on that.

Take the piano. You could have said parents didn't have the money when you were young. But you could buy a keyboard and take lessons now or do some online courses to learn. You're holding yourself back.

You resent her career. Free lance works for her. She's also taking steps to AI proof her career, which is a really smart move. Ask her for advice. Try some freelancing as a side gig.

You sound like you’re a bit bitter about her background. She can’t help her privileged upbringing. I’m sure she’d give up all the master degrees, London flats, piano lessons etc to have her Mum back. 25 is young for a woman to have lost her mother.

So she's worked extremely hard ( two masters and an undergraduate degree to get those) to get a well paying job she enjoys? That's not privileged and inheritance after the death of a parent isn't either. That's just unfortunate.

She is young and clumsy and has lost her mother. Give her a break

The next time she starts on about wealth facials etc..just leave the room.
If she makes flippant comments all the time .id nother bother to get into conversation with her

You sound jealous and not very nice tbh. She’s worked hard to get herself the qualifications needed to get a well paid job, at the same time as dealing with grief. She has a flat to live in, like plenty of other people her age. It is irrelevant that it’s worth a million. Do you call social housing tenants privileged when they get their rent paid for them? They have exactly the same thing, a place to live, but plenty of people that get housed by the state still have both their parents well into old age, so in the two scenarios, who really had the privilege.

You don’t have to get on with your SIL, but she sounds like a good person, while you’re on here bitching that she has a flat because her mother died young.

She's lost her parents so that poor girl is on her own in the world at a young age. That's not a privilege. No amount of money in and world will make up for her loss the guidance she will be missing. I bet she give up everything she inherited to have her parents again.

You mention about the piano lessons and how your parents couldn't afford them but then your brother was sent to private school as your parents were in a better position- why couldn't you get piano lessons while he went to private school? Is there some resentment there as it also seems you brother has benefited from things you haven't?