To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

[Chlosbows]

My brothers girlfriend is 25, she’s lovely in many ways. She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away and she inherited a huge amount of money (I know the loss of a parent isn’t a privilege and is a tragedy, but many lose parents and receive no money or very little), so she owns a flat outright in central London worth over 1 mil (I only know as my brother told me).
She is very intelligent, has 2 masters etc.
She now works freelance, predominantly in translation services but also editing etc. She mostly translates academic papers, this seems to be made easier by her having good relationships with the universities she went to.
She earns well, especially compared to other translation jobs. I’m not sure if this is typical for someone with her education or otherwise but I do commend her intelligence.

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc. She is also forever talking about her expensive holidays, expensive skincare, how she couldn’t possibly go a month without a facial etc. I find it all a tad insufferable, she is nice, I don’t believe it’s bragging, I think she is just genuinely unaware of how privileged she is in someways.

I don’t feel I can have an open relationship with her as anytime I mention a part of my life I’m unhappy with she always tells me I must go freelance. Unfortunately in my industry it’s not as simple as going freelance, most freelancers earn a similar amount for more work and as I have a small child the unpredictability of work would make it extremely difficult. Whenever I tell her this she replies with something flippant like “when there’s will there’s a way”. I also mentioned to her that I want to learn to play piano, I was seeking advice really as I know she plays well. She brushed it off with well why didn’t you learn when you were young. My parents couldn’t afford music lessons! She went to an international school, had high earning parents who had the money and time to dedicate to her piano, ballet and tennis lessons when she was young, my parents were struggling to make ends meet when I was young (slightly different by the time my brother was born 7 years later).

AIBU to feel like she doesn’t know her privilege and to not want to do another 1 week holiday with her over Christmas. My brother doesn’t seem to see this, but he was born once my parents were earning more money and in many ways benefited from that (such as he was privately educated in secondary school where I wasn’t).

Youre jealous sweetie. Its not about her checking her privilege

You just sound jealous. If she isn’t married to your brother, she isn’t your sister in law.

It would be best if you stop confiding in her — don’t tell her about your job or your piano lessons. Just keep it civil. She doesn’t respond in the way you want her to. So stop giving her stuff she can react to. If she goes on about her work just smile and say ‘that's nice’.

I think most people don't recognise their privilege! We tend to think we've earned our place in society and that others could achieve the same. But it's not true. We are born with certain advantages and disadvantages and where we end up is also dependent on luck. Your SIL is being insensitive.

Youre just very, very, jealous. You should hope it doesnt show. If it does, I bet her privileged international school taught her enough manners that she wont make clear to you that she knows how pathetic you are being.

If she’s always saying how lucky she is to work freelance, it sounds like she’s acknowledging her privilege. It sounds like you are envious that she is able to do this and she probably doesn’t know what else to say other than where there’s a will there’s a way. Would you prefer her to say gosh yes it’s so shit you can’t change what you’re unhappy about, poor you. She probably feels awkward and doesn’t know what to say for the best. She might look at your family and your relationship with your mum and be incredibly envious. I’m sure she’d much rather have her mum around than a flat in central london.

She sounds like an incredible person to have done this well at life despite losing her mum at a young age. She's allowed to obsess about superficial stuff like facials. Other people would have let one tragedy ruin their life but she seems to have everything together, successfully working and taking care of herself. Good for her.

So only weathy people learn the piano?

She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away and she inherited a huge amount of money (I know the loss of a parent isn’t a privilege and is a tragedy, but many lose parents and receive no money or very little), so she owns a flat outright in central London worth over 1 mil (I only know as my brother told me).

What an astonishingly dick thing to say.

What some people seem to neglect, when bitching about someone who had a large inheritance from family, is its highly likely that the deceased family worked their fingers to the bone to get where they were. That's not "privilege "
My parents married in the late 1950s and scrimped to buy a family home, went without luxuries, holidays, cars, new clothes etc.
Over 60 years the property rose in value leaving myself and siblings some money, not a huge amount, but enough not to worry too much about finances. My parents worked their arses off to get where they were, it didnt just drop upon them like magic

She’s only 25 and she’s lost her mum , I think I’d let quite a bit slide tbh.
You don’t need to be best mates , you don’t need to discuss personal topics , just show her a bit of kindness.

No matter how old you are you’re jealous

And having lost a parent at the age of 26 you cannot and do not know the impact of something like that, go and get yourself some therapy and give your head a wobble.

No mum would pretty much trump any jealousy I have for this situation.

What? I didn’t say that?

My parents couldn’t afford piano lessons, that’s nothing to do with wealth and just what they could afford.

Families with less money than ours might have been able to afford it as they could allocate spending differently, support their child with self learning, have a relative who could already play, learn through school etc.

It's her brother's girlfriend.

Your brother told you about her wealth, she didn’t. Does she even know that you know? That she isn’t censoring herself exactly to your sensitivities does not make her ignorant as to her financial position compared to yours.

The majority of what she’s saying just sounds like general, casual chat. If you’re sharing about your lives and catching up then she’s going to do the same. What sort of ‘checking her privilege’ do you expect her to do? Sit quietly while you talk, lest she say something that so much as indirectly suggests that she has money?

Try to see other privileges, wealth is just one aspect. I often complain to DH how privileged people are regarding parents, my Mum died when I was this girls age so before I had my family. All the time i would I hear friends talking about their Mum helping out or saying they can't believe i am bringing a toddler grocery shopping / to my opticians appointment etc and then say '°I couldn't do that' followed by a comment that they just drop baby over to mums. Or telling me to stay on for another drink and relax, despite me paying a sitter by the hour and facing into a dawn start where they have baby at a sleepover in Granny's. I'd be lying to say it didn't piss me off and I didn't feel some resentment. Even this past month, so many people going to parents homes for Christmas getting lovely meal served up to them. I'm quite comfortably well off now and am going on a winter holiday soon yet some people will tell me how lucky I am and I want to tell the to F right off..but you have to rise above it and accept the life you've been given.

You're still just jealous. You're jealous of your brother going to a private secondary for whatever reason. I think it's more the prestige you think it gives him rather than the opportunities it afforded him. You also seem to want him to 'see your point'? To what end? He tells his GF off and tells her to stop showing off? Throws tomatoes at her?

The fact that you keep defending yourself by saying that your parents had no money shows that you cant even comprehend how jealous you are.

Her circumstances are not the fault of yours or your parents.

Youre jealous. Get some therapy and stop being so hateful. It festers within you and you'll end up more unhappy than you are now. Youre child will see it. Everyone will know how you feel, even if you think you hide it.

You sound like an envious wee so-and-so.

We all have blind spots on life. But yes if you really can't cope with that then stay away.

She is an intelligent lady who has and is working hard in a job that requires skills most don’t have.
She isn’t privileged she has skills that pay well, be careful as it sounds like the green eyed monster is creeping in.

Scientific translation is well paid as you need to have the right background to understand and translate the paper. Its a good way to keep in touch with what is happening and earn.
While it will eventually be taken over by AI, its going to take a while - certainly more than 2-3 years!
If she’s planning her PhD anyway, she has a good strategy

There are people twice her age who don't realise how different other lives are. As far as family tensions go, this one sounds manageable.

She grew up privileged so she probably is a bit cushioned from financial hardship. However, she has absolutely experienced loss and losing a parent young will have shaken her regardless of her income and wealth now. It will massively affect people who lose a parent in formative years before major life events.