To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

[Chlosbows]

My brothers girlfriend is 25, she’s lovely in many ways. She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away and she inherited a huge amount of money (I know the loss of a parent isn’t a privilege and is a tragedy, but many lose parents and receive no money or very little), so she owns a flat outright in central London worth over 1 mil (I only know as my brother told me).
She is very intelligent, has 2 masters etc.
She now works freelance, predominantly in translation services but also editing etc. She mostly translates academic papers, this seems to be made easier by her having good relationships with the universities she went to.
She earns well, especially compared to other translation jobs. I’m not sure if this is typical for someone with her education or otherwise but I do commend her intelligence.

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc. She is also forever talking about her expensive holidays, expensive skincare, how she couldn’t possibly go a month without a facial etc. I find it all a tad insufferable, she is nice, I don’t believe it’s bragging, I think she is just genuinely unaware of how privileged she is in someways.

I don’t feel I can have an open relationship with her as anytime I mention a part of my life I’m unhappy with she always tells me I must go freelance. Unfortunately in my industry it’s not as simple as going freelance, most freelancers earn a similar amount for more work and as I have a small child the unpredictability of work would make it extremely difficult. Whenever I tell her this she replies with something flippant like “when there’s will there’s a way”. I also mentioned to her that I want to learn to play piano, I was seeking advice really as I know she plays well. She brushed it off with well why didn’t you learn when you were young. My parents couldn’t afford music lessons! She went to an international school, had high earning parents who had the money and time to dedicate to her piano, ballet and tennis lessons when she was young, my parents were struggling to make ends meet when I was young (slightly different by the time my brother was born 7 years later).

AIBU to feel like she doesn’t know her privilege and to not want to do another 1 week holiday with her over Christmas. My brother doesn’t seem to see this, but he was born once my parents were earning more money and in many ways benefited from that (such as he was privately educated in secondary school where I wasn’t).

Most people don't know their privilege - isn't that part of the definition?

I wouldn't say she displays this though. Not only has she lost her mum but has clearly stated as per your OP that she's lucky to have the job she does. No hint of privilege, just a bit of jealousy on your part.

OP's brother earns 50k not his girlfriend.

I actually think that her losing her mum is red herring here. The problem is that she has very different background money wise and as she’s young so she is not very understanding and thoughtful. Her comments about learning piano and others are very telling. She sounds very self centered.
I don’t think you will be able to be close friends with her especially as your brother was raised in different circumstances than you. So I wouldn’t count on her for understanding, moral support or advice but she might be good company for a theatre trip or to visit a new restaurant. You just need to find a way to have a simple relationship with her for your brother’s sake so just stick to basic topics, limit reasonably time together and ignore her bragging about facials or late mornings. And moan here from time to time.

By the way she might change a bit with age, people do sometimes so she might be much more tolerable in 10 years time.

Surprised at the reactions you’re getting here OP - she does sound like an insufferable bragger (and I say this as someone who earns enough as a freelancer to pay high rate tax and go travelling to exotic destinations for 8 weeks or more every year). The sadness of her mum dying young does not cancel out the fact that a million pound inheritance is a huge privilege (and for all we know maybe her mum was a horrible cunt and she isn’t that affected by it).

as for people saying if you grow up privileged and associate only with other privileged people you can’t possibly be expected to realise not everyone lives like that, come the fuck on. It isn’t hard to read literally one news article about food banks or poverty. That’s just ignorance. Never seems to work the other way though, poor people are very aware of the fact richer people exist.

OP you are being ridiculous and this is a non issue.

It’s her sister in law

This isn't problematic.
She has taken the chances she's had in life and she has capitalised on them. She has her shit together and she's set herself up well.

Given the choice of a 1 milly flat in London or your mum being dead when you are early 20s, most people would choose their mum alive. I know I would.

YABU to give the impression that she’s rolling in it. Most 25 year-olds in London who are educated to Masters level will be earning £50k+. When I last worked in London our graduates’ starting salary was not far off that.

I would focus on your life and not waste another moment fixating on your SIL’s privilege.

FWIW I love spending time with people who are privileged as I find discussions about money and moaning about ‘being broke’ insufferable. Give me discussions about luxury holidays and high-end facials any day!

In some ways her life is easier than yours. However I would choose my mum living longer over a million pound flat. She would probably do the same.

For doing what? Making reference to what she’s doing when everyone else is doing the same? By acknowledging her luck when it comes to being able to work freelance?

OP’s brother is also privileged in comparison to OP, so and he’s the one that told OP about his girlfriend’s financial position in the first place.

I hope you changed a lot of the details @Chlosbows as this is horribly identifying otherwise

I got a big life changing inheritance when my mum died and I’d flush it all down the loo to have more time with my mum , when( if) they have kids she will miss her mum even more

stop having conversations with her where she can come out with comments that rile you up

I can sympathise a bit because I have a tricky history with my in laws , they also are much more privileged than us and are a bit smug and make very annoying comments but I limit my engagement with them for this reason

she’s young and getting under your skin but not your brothers so you need to suck it up and keep the conversation in safe topics

I'm sure I read this a wee while back.

At 25 I had not met the wide range of people that I have now (several decades later ) and was ignorant of my privilege. I thought having ballet / swimming and music lessons were a fairly standard childhood experience because most of my friends enjoyed that sort of thing .
I was well into my 30’s and had worked for years in inner city child care before I had witnessed poverty and terrible parents which opened my eyes to what a bubble of a nice community I’d grown up in

she’s young I’d cut her some slack

I think wealthy people have no real idea of what it's like to live with less money. They think it means driving an older car, but they don't realise that that means living with actually breaking down on the road, or your car not starting in the morning, because that has literally never happened to them. They live in a big house with neighbours in equally big houses who run big businesses and can offer your children work experience/internships in sought after roles, and don't notice that your child's work experience was a week as a waiter in the cafe round the corner, or sweeping up at the local hairdressers because those are the contacts you have based on where you live. They don't notice that your house remains tatty because you have no time to decorate, while they just employ decorators. For you to have guests to stay, you have to spend days cleaning and move a child into your bedroom, while they already have a spare room ready and waiting, and the weekly cleaner keeps the house pristine - they just don't notice and think they're just more sociable than you because they have more friends to stay more often. You think their house is boiling hot but that's because you can't really afford heating so have got used to layering up and breathing cold air indoors - they think thermal undies are just for skiing holidays, but for you it's everyday wear!

It's that old saying - you'd have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you really knew what their life was like.

I think this is a very first world problem. Just maintain a polite distance if you feel you need to, but you will encounter far more difficult people in life so if I were you I would enjoy the things you do like about her and just screen out those you don't. She doesn't sound that bad to me.

To give you a bit of perspective, I too had help with the house deposit and at some point I will receive a large inheritance, that will help my children on the housing ladder.

But then on the flip side, I was abandoned by my dad as a young child, suffered a very serious assault when I was 10 and grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive family. I was also bullied relentlessly in school.

I always envied people that had positive ,stable, loving relationships with their family and I still do.

No amount of money can give you that.

I bet she feels the same way about the loss of her mum

Its not her sons girlfriend, its her brothers girlfriend, different dynamic.

>> She has a flat to live in, like plenty of other people her age. It is irrelevant that it’s worth a million. Do you call social housing tenants privileged when they get their rent paid for them? They have exactly the same thing, a place to live,

Ummm…actually, she has a million dollars of capital she can access if needed, and that’s a pretty nice security blanket. Translation work seems amenable to remote working. She could sell the million pound flat, buy a much less expensive cottage elsewhere, and bank the difference in some way to generate passive income. Or use the proceeds to make life more secure during her PhD (speaking as a person who got a PhD, the stipends are atrocious. I did not come from privilege and a root canal during that time wiped out all of my savings…some cash to pay for dental insurance would have come in handy).

OP, You have gotten some horrible comments on here from unsympathetic people. There is a very deep issue here. You and your brother had different childhoods. He had many more advantages. As a result, he moves in circles with people (like the girlfriend) who have lives different enough from yours that, you fear, they might not see you as equal. Even if the girlfriend is nice I can see how this might trigger those fears. You might subconsciously worry that if your brother moves in these more privileged circles, distance might grow between you (or perhaps you secretly fear that your brother is looking down on you). Surely this is not the case!! And the girlfriend sounds kind but simply clueless. But these big, deep fears would be understandable if you have never faced or acknowledged them adequately.

I grew up in a family with lots of jealousy. I’ve envied plenty of people, and I’ve also been the butt of many other people’s envy. In this circumstance the girlfriend is enviable not just because she has a financial advantage - but also because she’s smartly engineered a rather pleasant life for herself. That’s admirable - but I can understand seeing this and wishing that I, too, could have planned things out so wisely. (I would actually interpret her encouraging you to also freelance as a signal that she sees you as an equal.)

It’s never too late to give yourself the things you didn’t get as a child. Please take the piano lessons. I am a serious amateur musician, and a symphonic colleague of mine is involved with a special community orchestra designed to welcome adult learners. Take lessons, find yourself some good mentors, and a place to belong where you can play your instrument with other kind, positive people, and you will be enjoying yourself in no time!

’my brother is dating a beautiful, intelligent and personable young woman who has created a lucrative freelance career for herself, despite the grief of losing her Mum so young, but I think she’s a deluded fool for no obvious reason other than jealousy of her million pound flat.’

Yes yabu, but rant away, that's what AIBU is for!
Remember that inheritance under sad circumstances aside,the harder she works, the more privileged she appears!

Maybe she does know that she’s privileged but so what if she is?

I am sick to death of all this nonsense surrounded by so called “privilege”. Who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️ grow up and stop acting so jealous

She's just talking about her life and perspective openly with you as she thinks you are friends. It doesn't sound like she looks down on you. Honestly I think YABU. It's very hard to lose a parent and it sound like you dont have much insight into that at all. Yet you are expecting her to somehow have this level of insight into the hardships of your life?? You sound a bit mean tbh. It dies come across as jealousy because nothing you've written about what she says sounds as though she's malicious or snooty.

She is enjoying her life, I'm sure it isn't perfect but she's not moaning about it , just sharing the positives , you do seem jealous