In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

Very few people have 'told' op she is 'wrong in how she feels'. On the contrary most posters have expressed condolences and sympathised, with quite a few explaining anger is a stage of grief and is a perfectly normal response to what has happened. A person feels what they feel.

Nowhere in my post did I mention me. On the contrary I gently cautioned against taking steps that could cause long term damage to family relationships, which helps no one.

Regretfully your post shows an emotional immaturity that is unfortunate.

That’s fine. But it’s not my perception. OP came back and confirmed that the MIL did mean for the bereaved mum and her sister to run 2k a day in January, 10 days post-partum.

I think, probably due to their generation and differences in the way these things are seen, they probably don’t expect you to be grieving yourself but rather supporting your sister.

I think they’ve been fairly nice so far, just smile and nod and be polite.

It’s really not your job to police other people’s posts. I’m here to support the OP, I’m
not here to pander to your idea of maturity. You do you.

You're being utterly crass and insensitive to a bereaved mother. Leave her alone.

If they had said nothing you would have called them out on that.
You are lashing out because you are in pain.
This is common, but do make sure you rein it in before you sever ties with people. Put your phone down, go and stand outside for 10 seconds, punch a pillow. Do what you need to do.

Are your in-laws generally insensitive ? it’s coming from a ‘nice’ place but just so incredibly dim/insensitive

Oh I haven’t taken it upon myself to ring funeral directors, my sister asked me to take some tasks off her hand, that being one of them as she just wants someone to say “Here you go this place”. I’m also keeping wider family updated as they just can’t face all the messages right now.

And whilst I have totally taken comments on board and have stepped out my body a bit to see that a “fuck you” reaction isn’t going to help anyone, and that I just need to step back for a bit….I’m afraid I still do think it’s bonkers to suggest a postpartum woman runs 2k a day. Even if it was kindly meant, I think a little more thought would make a person realise that, even if someone hadn’t lost their baby, it’s a stupid suggestion for a postpartum woman.

They can be, yes. They aren’t the best at putting themselves in other people’s shoes

The other half of me - this is so true.

People are weird around grief and I think the loss of a child is an area where people get especially weird. All loss is awful, of course, but this is so unimaginably awful to most people that I think people get anxious and say stupid stuff.

Taking on the strain of this is a truly amazing thing to do. I really do wish I had someone like you around.

Please do make sure to take time for yourself, and that you're also getting support though, you're also going through a bereavement as well as going through your own family stuff, and looking after your sister, you also need time to grieve 💐

With the greatest of respect, you don’t know me - I would absolutely not have called them out on saying nothing. In the days following my nephew’s death I barely registered anyone’s existence let alone my ILs. Like I said I got the “Is everyone ok” text to which i replied and which I was mostly fine with. I absolutely would rather they had said nothing than suggested me and my sister start running every day to raise money, or asked about booking a holiday.

I had to tell my boss as I was due to work between Christmas and new year and asked for last minute time off, and explained why. She hasn’t asked me at all about my nephew or sister since she came back herself, and that’s absolutely fine. I’m fine for her to say nothing if she can’t find the right words.

Are you absolutely sure that she meant you should do it this month, and not 'here's something you might like to do (sometime)'?

Like I said earlier, my grief brain meant that I misinterpreted a LOT of stuff.

Thank you I think right now, I’m happier (well not happy but less miserable) being useful and keeping myself busy. I think I’ll break if I don’t.

Yes it’s a January 2026 challenge.

But they’re not saying ‘the wrong thing’. Obviously the death of a child is horrendous - anyone can see that even if they’ve never had a child. Did they know your sister well?

With the greatest of respect, you don’t know me - I would absolutely not have called them out on saying nothing

Most people would though. One's in law's not saying a word about a newborn baby nephew dying, would anger or upset the vast majority of DILs, I'd guess.

But this is what makes death so hard. There is no universal 'right way' to respond (or not respond) and for those of us not good with words when faced with a difficult situation, it's a matter of luck whether our response will match what that specific bereaved person needs to hear.

I got that. I was just hoping that she meant 'this sort of thing' rather than 'this specific thing at this time'.

You sound absolutely unhinged. You are as insensitive as the in-laws. Self-awareness of a shopping trolley.

To clarify, my sister had a son not a daughter, he was her first.

And yes they’ve met her many times. We are not a Gavin and Stacey type set up though where it’s one big happy family always seeing each other so I wouldn’t expect them to come to the funeral or send flowers or anything.

No she meant this month’s challenge. I won’t copy and paste the message but it’s clear she meant this particular challenge.

Apologies, I realised after I posted so edited it to correct myself. Was he full term or premature? There’s a lot of support out there that can help your sister.
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/bereavement-support/practical-advice/places-to-go-for-support/